blue_dude15

The title sums it up well. People always say; “We’d be sad if you left/we care about you.”

Okay, but WHY would you be sad? WHY do you care? You’re probably just saying this to be polite.

Honestly what I really want, is for people to list any good trait they like about me. If I even have one. It would make me feel just a tiny bit better about myself. This probably comes off as attention seeking, and hell, maybe it is.

I don’t know what my point is. Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense.

I miss him. I miss him so much, even though it’s been months since he passed. He was such a gentle, kind, yet energetic and crazy doggo.

I’ve had him ever since I can remember, he’s been there for me for my whole childhood. It might sound weird, but he was like a sibling to me. No, more than that. If a dog could be a soulmate, then he was mine.

In a way, he lived through similar things like me. He experienced some of my parent’s abuse, he was there for me when they argued or when I got yelled at.

When I was around 12 or 13, I decided to teach him how to be a tracking dog. My parents practically laughed at me when I told them this. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”, they said. Well, 12 year-old me and my dog went and proved them wrong.

I have so many beautiful memories with that dog, nothing can ever, ever replace him.

****, I miss you. I’m sorry for not always being there for you, I’m sorry that sometimes I couldn’t be bothered to go outside to see you. I’m sorry that sometimes I ignored you. I’m sorry. You were always there for me.

I love you, I’ll always love you.

Yep, that’s pretty much it.

Sometimes I wonder what my friends would do if I died. How many of them would actually care? How many would forget about me in a few months? How long would they grieve for, if at all?

My friend announced that he’ll be moving away to another country in a year or two. My best friend. We’re so close, we’re practically siblings. I pretend to be happy for him, but really I just feel scared. He’s been there for me when things get tough, and now he’ll leave? What will I do? What the fuck will I do? I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope, my life will just feel so empty without him. I know we’ll still be able to communicate through technology and stuff, but its obviously not the same. What if he’ll find a friend over there to replace me, and he’ll slowly forget about me?

I know I should be happy for him, and I try to be, but deep down I’m terrified.

A few days ago I nearly went through with my plan. Its taken me a few days to muster up the energy to write about it. Idk if anyone really wants to read all this though, it’s a very long post.

It was the day before my birthday. It wasn’t even such a bad day, and it was a momentary decision. It sounds weird when I write it, but after I decided, I tried to make myself even more depressed so I wouldn’t back out. I wrote a quick handwritten note and another longer note on here (which I deleted). I put the password for the post on the handwritten note if anyone wanted to read it.

I told my mum I was going for a half-an hour walk and then I left the house. I think I was shaking a bit. While I wanted to die, at the same time I wanted someone to stop me. As I walked I noticed a group of adults talking, and a child cycling on his bike. I wished someone would notice something was wrong. My eyes felt damp, but I wasn’t really crying. I walked more, and I saw people walking there dogs, lots of cars, and a motorcyclist. I was getting close and closer to the train station. I wished I could see my friends one more time. In a hurry I got out my phone texted one of them “hey”. The train at the train station hooted, ready to leave. I don’t know if I’m remembering correctly, but I think I started to run. I didn’t want to miss that train.

There was an section where pedestrians could cross the railway tracks, with gates that shut when the train went. I was the only one at the gates. No one to stop me. I waited near the gates until they shut, and the train started to leave the station. I stepped closer. The gates were not very high, I could easily climb over them. The train kept getting closer and closer. But I didn’t move. I didn’t climb over the gates. I just stood there and watched the train leave. As it went past, I imagined myself under those wheels. My limbs getting ripped apart. I thought I could see the shadow of the driver, and I thought about how it would’ve affected him if I jumped in front of the train.

How did I feel? Relieved? I’m not sure. But the gates still didn’t open. I checked my watch. If I wasn’t going to do it, I should hurry home so I wouldn’t be late.

Then I saw another train coming.

There it was, another opportunity! I stepped closer to the gate than I did before. I think I reached out to touch it so I could climb over it, but my hand just froze in mid-air and I ended up watching the train go by again. I was still alive.

Ok, now I really wanted to cry. I waited impatiently for the gates to open and I hurried home. I felt shaky and tired. I saw more people walking their dogs. I saw that group of adults again, still talking. The kid with the bike was gone. I wonder where he went? Home? I saw how the leaves moved on the road in the wind. It all felt slightly unreal.

I saw some other users sharing their vent art a while back, so I decided to share my most recent one. Idk if you can read it because the resolution might be low or if the image even loaded properly but thats fine

I know its not gonna happen, but theoretically if we all decided to meet up, what would happen? Would we talk about depression/suicide stuff and open up to each other? Would it be awkward and uncomfortable because it feels different than talking online? Would we, or some of us, do something drastic?

Because I’m such an idiot and wasn’t being clear through text messages, one of my friends thought I ran away from home when in reality I just left home for a few hours. I cleared it all up, that I’m ok and everything, but now my friend seems really annoyed at me. I don’t blame them, I should’ve been more clear in what was happening, they probably hate me

I wanted to reconnect with an old friend who lives far away, and I managed to get the email of her cousin. Her cousin replied to me, saying that my friend (lets call her J) would love to reconnect with me, and her cousin sent me her email and phone number.

I was so f*cking excited that I’d get to talk to my old friend J again. I hadn’t felt this happy for months. I’ll let you know that I did a little victory dance in my room (don’t try to imagine that lol). You get the idea.

I texted her phone first, but I knew there was a big chance she didn’t receive it. My phone is really cr*ppy, and often doesn’t send or receive SMS texts properly. So I also sent her an email. Now I just had to wait.

But as the days went by, it became less and less likely that I’d hear from her.

I emailed her cousin again, asking if they knew if J had received my email or SMS, and the cousin said they’d find out for me. I was really grateful.

But I still haven’t heard from the cousin. I think they forgot to find out. Idk if its worth it to email them as a reminder.

I feel so f*cking disappointed. I really believed I’d get to talk to J again.

Did I do something wrong? Did she really not receive my email? Is she ignoring me? But if she is, why get my hopes up in the first place? If she had just said “no, i don’t want to hear from you”, it would hurt so much less.

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate myself. But there are a few small insignificant things that make me feel like I’ve accomplished something and grown as a person. I’m going to list those things here, no matter how stupid or corny those things might seem:

– Expressing emotions and talking to other people. I didn’t do that at all before, I was so afraid I’d be a burden that I kept everything a secret. It killed me inside. I do talk to my friends now, and even if they still don’t know I’m suicidal, I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

– I can draw better now. lol, its so insignificant but I find drawing very therapeutic. It makes me happy that I’ve improved.

– I have a few online friends. To be honest, idk if this is good or bad. Its good because I have more people to talk to, but bad because I sort-of miss them, because I can’t actually meet them in real life. And worried too, because one day they could just disappear. Or I could disappear, and they wouldn’t know what happened.

-I’m still alive. I feel like thats an accomplishment.

I might end it soon. I’m not needed. I’m just a burden to the people around me. Its not worth it. Sometimes I feel like crying when I think about what my life could’ve been. Its not worth it.

There’s this one song called “Saturn”, by Sleeping at last. I find it so fucking beautiful. I don’t know how many of you will see this, bother to listen to it, or if you’ll actually like it but I wanted to share.

Idk how I feel right now. Tired, I guess. You may (or may not) have noticed I’ve been less active than usual here lately. But I find even writing exhausting.

I have a cough that’s been lingering for the past two weeks, (not covid), but my mum won’t let me book a doctor’s appointment yet. She says I should wait a while longer to see if it goes away on its own. But that’s just making me more tired. Its a silly thing to make me more tired, but there it is.

Its tiring to pretend I’m mentally ok.

I’ve been considering suicide as an option more seriously lately. I have a method that would most likely be effective.

The only thing stopping me is fear, and my friends. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but I don’t want to hurt them by doing it. They are really awesome people, and I’m so goddamn lucky to have them. But I often wonder how they would react if I died. The truth is, I’m the least popular and interesting person in the group. Would they actually cry? How long would it take for them to notice that I’m gone? And how much would they really care? Not that it matters much. I won’t know if I’m dead.

Damn, I want to cry. I want to cry so much, while someone who cares about me hugs me tight. But the person hugging would eventually have to let go sometime, they can’t hug me forever. And then I’d feel all alone again. It’s a never-ending cycle.

If I were to stand on the edge of a building, wondering whether or not to jump, would that be a suicide attempt?

Or planning to jump in front of a train and backing out at the last minute?

Idk, I’m just curious

Lately I occasionally feel shaky and several times throughout the day some of my muscles twitch. I’ve researched the symptoms and so many scary diseases pop up, like ALS, for example.

Its making me scared. My doctors appointment is scheduled in a few weeks and I’m so scared to wait that long. I’m probably overreacting, but I feel so scared.

Maybe I was in the wrong, Im not sure. I was busy revising for my math exam and then my mum started yelling at me for being useless and never helping enough and stuff. Its left me pretty shaken up, as always

Oh, and just now she walked up to me and said, “Please forgive me”, and then started crying. The thing is though, as soon as she walked away her crying stopped.

I dont know. maybe im just an entitled brat but it really seemed like guilt-tripping to me

i cant even tell anymore. What if Im the bad guy here?

idk, i just need to vent ig

I hate spending my weekends with my abusive parents. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Something bad always happens that brings back my suicidal thoughts. I wish I could turn 18 and so I could just leave already.

Today I saw some people chatting online about how they dislike hugging skinny people because they feel like “a pile of bones”. I have always been really skinny.

I just remembered how a few years back a young kid hugged me and then announced that they didnt like my hugs for the same reason. I didnt think much about it back then, but now Im actually crying because of this. Kids are brutally honest, and this really hurts. I know that its a stupid thing to be upset about, but for some reason it really hurts. maybe because i crave hugs and affection so much

idk, i think i just need to vent

This is more of a fun post, not suicide or depression related.

My bucket list is not very long but this is a new thing I just added, and I think you all should too: Eat a sandwich with cutlery.

Definitely something everyone should experience at least once in their life.