So it’s Christmas. I have a heart condition and MS (I am only in my 30s). I can’t work so I live with my mom and the rest of my family ignores me or outright hates on me because I take moms attention from them. So now it’s Christmas. We have no money. I can deal with no gifts — not one, not even a candy cane filled with m & ms. I can deal with no calls to say hi because I’m used to it. What I can’t deal with is shopping for groceries and having my moms card declined (we are just over the income level for food stamps) and having to leave the store without food and, when I cry on the way home because I’m sick, alone constantly, and have nothing (not even boots for winter in Erie PA) having my Mom tell me I make her life hell. Why am I alive? I am a burden, I hurt all of the time, I don’t matter to anyone, and I make no difference in the world. Everyone, including me, would be better off if I were dead.
youll talk yourself into it. Don’t you see all that I do for you. I’m working mySelf into the ground and then I have to come home and deal with you complaining. Your life is so bad. What about mine. Shut up I’m tired of listening to you
im dying inside mom. I’m dying.
I shut hut up like she wants
the lies. The promise that things would get better. The belief that someone understood or cared. I knew better. I was still dumb enough to hope
why is it when I say I need life to get better than this to not be this empty I get yelled at and called selfish
i have never been this depressed or truly suicidal. When I explain my feelings I get told I’m driving people crazy. Really. That’s their response to my legit cry for help.
i can’t do it any more. I need more than the nothing I have or I’m done,
I have so much I want to say. You don’t know me at all. But for now all I’ll say is this.
i asked my mom for three things for Christmas. Three little things. I wanted to drive an hour to see a light display. I wanted a small tabletop tree to decorate and I wanted no gifts, from anyone. She did none of this. We have no tree. I didn’t and won’t get to see the light display. And I have gifts from my grandparents and am elderly great aunt and uncle waiting. I don’t feel worthy of gifts from these people. I am chronically ill and we are poor. The people who gave me gifts pretty much already support us and I want no more from them. Ironically, I have no gifts or cards or even calls from my brother, sister, or father who do not live with us. They are not poor and don’t otherwise help. In fact, I was left off of a Christmas card my sister sent to my mom, but that is no surprise. She disowned me (hasn’t spoken to me, told my mom I was not welcome in her home, etc) when I got sick. There is also no gift, not one, coming from my mom. I would be okay with that if she’d honored my requests, but she didn’t.
i don’t think I can handle this. On Christmas Day it will be worse. I will try and ignore the day entirely but I am not sure it will help.
may post my full story later, but had to vent now.