If it’s a surprise I’m gay… wow right? Sometimes I think I can find love but I know I’m never gonna get it, my mind plays tricks on me saying “He likes you” but then just have my heart ripped out and broken into pieces. Turned into dust, having dreams where I’m happy and everything is right but it can’t be like that can it? So why do I care he’ll never like a disgusting broken boy, yet I still want to try. Whenever he wanted to ask me to go somewhere with him, see him at the park, or even when he acted like a dog to make me smile, when he see’s me sad and has to say “Hi” and make a joke to just make me laugh. I think I love you even though I don’t know what love is but I still want you, but I can’t even have you.
I knew I wasn’t better at all, I just tricked myself like the idiot I am. I cut myself today cause I thought I deserved the pain, but I liked it. I felt right…
I haven’t posted in a while but… things are getting better less crying, less sadness. I hung out with my friends which made me feel like I’m worth something, needed, wanted, which makes me feel actually no a worthless piece of shit. But I know something always makes go downhill, I hope it doesn’t go wrong this time.
I can blame people for why I’m so broken, my abusive father that I escaped from 2 years ago, 3 boys that ruined my life child self. Little old me all alone and scared if he’ll mess up and get a hit, act a wrong way, say the wrong thing, hell even walk the wrong way. Maybe if he looks at him the wrong way maybe he’ll beat me up. Also too small and innocent to stop what happened to him, not knowing what the boys took from him that’ll never be able to get back, something that doesn’t have a price or a replacement.
I feel happy sometimes maybe once a day, but the rest is filled with pretending to be something I’m not. I act all confident and strong but all I am is weak and scared, I put a smile on my face so no one is ever worried. I don’t want to pretend anymore…