I seem to have been making people angry my whole life, probably before I was even born? I must be addicted to it now because I’m married to an angry man. I try really hard to be positive and see things from a spiritual perspective but all I do is p*ss people off. Everything I do is wrong. I’m so tired. It seems like I can’t get through even one day without upsetting my husband. Everything I say and do is wrong. I just want to die. I know it must be me because people have been angry at me my whole life. Recently I read in Crime and Punishment (F. Dostoevsky) something along the lines of: even the most miserable, suicidal person when faced with death will suddenly start rationalising and even living on a cliff edge, exposed to the elements, alone, unable to even lay down is preferable at that moment of death to…actually dying. I think FD was basing it on his experience of a mock execution he experienced in Siberia (serving prison time). If I really wanted to die I’d do it, right? I guess I still have hope and just want the pain to stop. If I could just get away, have a safe place to live and money to exist then I’d want to live, right?
It’s amazing that I can forget that my husband is an evil sociopath for days at a time until he sticks the knife in again. I don’t really understand why he does it. I guess hurting others makes some people feel better. It’s so unhealthy staying here wanting to die and being abused by this person but I’m tired and have nowhere to go. I thought I should try reaching out to someone so I tried my sister. She went invisible as soon as I messaged her, of course. People are pretty awful. I wonder how bad it can all get. How long will this all go on? Only God knows. God is good, all the time. I wish I were dead.
There really is no point is there? Ten years ago after a suicide attempt they let me go because it was deemed a cry for help. But they don’t give any help? So here I still am, wanting to die. Get sober, give up weed. Return to religion. Try and be a good person. Volunteer. Take care of sick husband. Pray often. Pray for others. Stay sober. Eat healthy. Exercise. What does any of it achieve? Where is Jesus? Where is God? Here I am again, crying my heart out, punching myself, hating myself, wanting to die. Where’s my son, family, friends? My husband hates me. I hate me.
There really isn’t anything now is there? Still too damn lame to kill myself though.
I kept waiting and waiting to see if things would get better. They didn’t. Now I have MS and am dependant on my selfish, nasty husband. I had prayed for death but instead I got a chronic, disabling illness. Today I get an invalidity scooter delivered. I’m grateful for the freedom it will offer but then again…I just want to die. Why is life suffering? I try to hold onto faith, suffering is mercy. Suffering purifies the spirit. When everything is taken away that’s God’s ultimate mercy. I feel abandoned and hated. Nobody cares that I’m sick and all I do is irritate my husband and make him angry. Everything I do or say makes him angry. I’m just so tired. Please God, have mercy upon me.