I am officially alone in this place. I don’t have anyone anymore. I’ve been alone for a while actually, I’ve been alone the whole time. I don’t think I’m going to be around for too long.
- Is it wrong to want to be sexually abused? or would it count as a form of self-harm?
- Is it wrong for wanting to be in a relationship that’s more than 10-20 years older than you and being under-aged?
- Is it wrong for faking my age just to be with them?
- Is it wrong for wanting to be a wreck with abusing drugs for suicide?
- Is it wrong to have conversations in my head?
Supposedly, I’m sick for wanting these things. And this isn’t the first time that someone has told me this.
I feel it coming, I know it’s going to happen again. I’m slowly being replaced again. I know it, and I hate it. It always happens. Every year. What is my problem that I’m always being replace all the time?! I don’t tell anyone about my mental issues. No one knows about it other than some of my family. But no one at school knows about the things that go through my head, they all think I’m fine as far as I know. I don’t know, I should be used to this, It’s been happening every year. I can’t keep a friend, and I hate myself for it. I guess that’s one of the reasons I started self harming again.
I went back to cutting two nights ago. I was like 2 months free, but now I went right back to it. The cuts were barely anything, but because of that I kept going. Today I feel like killing everyone and myself included. I hate everything, I hate everyone. I just feel like fucking breaking down. I’m done, I’m so over everything.
I can get away with looking older maybe 17 or 18. I could probably even get away with looking 20. And that’s without makeup. I find it a good thing when it comes to wanting to runaway. I know I keep talking about it but I am not reacting to it. I just want to leave, but I need to talk to a friend first if he would let me stay at his place for a little while. And he knows how old I really am so that’s a good thing I guess. I mean he is older than me by a lot, but I don’t know if he would let me stay with him. I mean if I stay at his place I wouldn’t have to go out in public. I could hide at his place. But if I do go out in public with him I would look old enough to be with him. Or I’ll just stay in the shadows of his place for a little while. But if I can’t stay with him, I’ll look for some other place to stay at. I have not stopped thinking about him, lately.
I thought I was getting better. It turns out I’m probably worse than when I was before. I supposedly getting me phone back from the police after 6 long months. But since I’ve been without it for so long, I just want to use it again, and text people I haven’t spoken to in a really long time. But I can’t text them because my case is still open, and the police can see my phone any time they want. Like, unfortunately I still did not run away yet, for 2 reasons. 1- someone took some of my saved up money and I need that. And 2- the place where I might stay at I have to talk to him and I can’t do that without my phone :/ But eventually and hopefully soon I’m out of my house.
But I have not healed. I have not gotten better, I only got better at lying and faking things. That High Focus Centers program did not help, they only wasted my time, and prescribed me with depression/anxiety meds, and those don’t even work. So, the only good things that I really got out of it was that I didn’t have to go to school for 2 months and I didn’t have to face any of the people from school. After that I got nothing out of the program. I’m still talking with people older than me, I’m still suicidal, I’m still anorexic, I’m still self-harming, I’m still schizophrenic, I still have anxiety attacks, I still want to run away, I still want sex. I still have all my problems, and I feel that it all got worse. And now I even have homicidal thoughts. The other day I took a small handful of pills. I packed to runaway. I have urges to kill people. I don’t know, maybe I’m going to have to deal with all this until I kill myself, or die, which ever one comes first.
I’m thinking of sneaking out to by a pack of cigarettes. I know they are bad for me, but it’s just another impulse thought. :/
There are so many things that I have been keeping from pretty much everyone. and just to cover up those secrets I have to tell lies. Seems to me that, that is the easiest way to go in my situation, and I’d like to keep it like that.
Life is a game. This is not real, everything is fake. Love is a game. There is no such thing as true love, its a joke. Everyone just messes around with other’s feelings. This is all fake, we are all living in somebody else’s imaginary world. This is all pretend, like just think about it… why exactly are we alive if we are going to die in the end? Everyone likes shortcuts, and suicide is a shortcut to life. There is no real point in living, you do something bad in society either you get noticed and then punished and never heard of again; or you do something good for society and you get recognized for a little while but later you’re forgotten forever. Which ever direction you choose to go in, we all end up in the same place; shaking hands with death. Maybe death is the real world, maybe even a perfect world. Where everyone is truly happy, and you can be who you really are, deep down. It’s fun to think of things after escaping this game of life. This is fake, it all is. You’re living in a fantasy world that you can’t control. Why? Because this is not the dream that we want to be in, we are being controlled. By who? Society maybe? Not sure, but think about it… why are you the way you are right now? Why are you standing where you are right now? Most likely because you had to go there. Everything is a game, joke, this place is fake!
I feel that I’m the only one that wants to leave/run away/commit suicide, because I have people that care for me.
I know that many of you individuals could be feeling the way you are because you have been abused or that there are some people that don’t care about you.
But I’m kind of feeling depressed because of people caring for me but at the same time I feel alone when I’m not pushing them away. I don’t know, I just hate these mixed feelings. Yeah they care for me but I think there is a limit with having to care for someone, like my family they are always on my back. They don’t give me space, because they are trying to protect me. But it is just too much and I hate it. I want to run away, so I can be away from my family. Yes, I know a place I can stay for a little while, if I run out of money, I have a few ideas how to make it, food, I just won’t eat anything, I’m fine with that, clothes I’ll pack enough to for a little while. It is planned. I just have to push myself out the door.
has anyone here run away.
I am planning on it and i already have money saved up and some clothes packed.
if you have run away, did you ever get caught? if not how did you do it….?
I was online reading about things of self harm. And I came across sex as a form of self harm. I can kind of understand why it could be but I’m still not 100% sure, why it is.
I have my money, and enough food for me to last me a little while, all I need is a destination far from home.
the pills that sit on the sill haunt me
they taunt me
telling me to take one after another
not to tell the others
the voices make my choices
to take the whole bottle
just because I wanted to look like a model, fine and thin
just bones and skin
if only they had known
how alone I really was
now the bottle is empty
now I’m free
It sucks. Its the same as last year already, probably worse. I wish I was dead.
All I really truly want is to be DEAD. But right now does not seem like the best time to do that unfortunately. So if I can’t wish for death then I would want a bunch of other things.
- run away
- dropping out
- a boyfriend or girlfriend
- eat no meals everyday
I know some of them are bad but honestly that is all I feel like having or doing if I can’t commit suicide. Does anyone else want these things?
Yesterday I was barely even able to eat a muffin because I had gotten full. Lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks already, yay I guess.
I’m not pretty… it’s a fact. The more I stare at the person in the mirror, I criticize everything about myself, I don’t find any good things in myself anymore. I’m not fun to be with, I’m boring, after a while everyone leaves and replaces me immediately. Am I really that replaceable? I am I really that much similar to everyone else? I know I’m not worth anything, and I’m just waiting for death to pay me a visit.
Supposedly, I have daddy issues and that I’m slightly sexually frustrated, even though I haven’t had sex. Is that possible? And what do both of these really mean?
I can’t keep living anymore, I thought I was slightly getting better but I was wrong I feel worse. I just want to die, every night I hope not to wake up the next morning. I hate everything about life there is nothing to look forward to in the future I WISH I WAS DEAD