I’m 32, I failed at life. I suffer from PTSD because of sexual abuse during my childhood. I’m seeing a therapist, I’ve had lots of therapy in the past and I just can’t seem to get myself together. I hate it, I feel lonely. I know I don’t want to die but this is not living either. Ptsd symptoms started showing about 10 years ago when I fell in love, we broke up 1,5 years ago. I just felt like I was getting worse and worse. It’s hard to come by financially and I’m just tired of fighting of feeling like this . I’m done with the feelings of shame. I feel like a total failure, I’m constantly crying and I have felt like this for so long now, I’m so done with it. I’m looking up for instruction on how to extract nicotine from pipe-tabacco, if I make enough extract it will kill me in a short amount of time. If it will work, if it doesn’t I will be in extremely physical pain. I tried to kill myself before when I was 18, it failed because I did not know how to do it. I used to be glad that it didn’t work but I don’t feel like that anymore for quite some time now. Actually since the break-up, I do not want him back. I just feel totally messed up because of this relationship. I don’t know if he was emotional abusive in a way or that I was triggered so badly by the relationship that I projected my childhood abuse onto him. I most of the time think it was both. During the relationship I just learned myself all kinds of tricks to cope with the constant stress I used to feel. And now I’m 32 and I just can’t seem to make a decent living. I’ve waisted my life and I don’t know how to turn things around. I just want to give up on everything and leave everyone behind. I don’t care anymore if my closest friends are going to miss me or will be hurt, I don’t care anymore if my family will lose a sister, daughter, niece or aunt. I really don’t care anymore, I used to care because I didn’t want to hurt them but now I just lost this feeling. I just want to stop the pain. I want to stop the shame, the lonelyness, I just want to stop the feelings of feeling unlovable, or the feelings of being broken. I just want it to end. Maybe I will just hang myself, all the methods will be painfull and scary.