how’s quarantine for y’all? it’s kinda shitty for me, i don’t have easy access to booze or tobacco as i’m living with my family rn. back here after a month. overthinking should be my middle name fr. from over analyzing every text of hers to deciding the title of this rant, i’m a confused mf. i came across this website four years back when i was 15, fuck i’ve grown a lot since then. nothing new in my life rn, online uni is trash (engineering). i met some nice people online in may/june, caught feelings for a girl who lives 2700 kms away. apparently she likes someone in canada and has/had a thing with him from the past three months. but we flirt/get cute in dms. i know the guy kinda well but don’t have anything against him. some days, she gets overly affectionate but the other days are filled with dry and one worded replies. a couple of close, mutual friends told that she might be considering me as a “second option” or contingency plan, as you may call it since my uni is pretty close to where she lives. that part kinda hurt like a ***** ngl. but again, it’s me. i’m a fucking idiot when it comes to relationships or crushes or whatever. it’s like i KNOW i’m gonna get hurt but i put myself through it intentionally.
i’m turning 19 really soon, my sister is 8. i’m currently in my 2nd year of bachelors (living in the middle east, studying in india). my parents have been emotionally abusive and manipulative from 2015. it’s too fucking hard to explain and idh the time to type it out rn. they’re extremely conservative, religious and superstitious. i cannot share any details of my personal life with them as they’ll use it at a later time to constantly belittle me. they openly said they don’t like me as i’m an atheist and haven’t prayed in years. till 2017 they used to beat me up if i didn’t obey but they gave up soon after that. i genuinely want to fucking move out, go to a country far, far away and start afresh. but the only person i care about is my sister and she’s too young to understand abuse. it’s gonna take her at least 10 years to comprehend. my plan is to complete bachelors, hopefully get a scholarship and go abroad for masters. the problem here is that i cannot rebel at home, i have to stay quiet and watch them abuse my little sister. if i rebel or speak up in a harsh manner, they won’t fund my higher education and a higher edu. is my only chance of going far away. how am i coping up with it? i smoke and vape frequently and dive into things i like to keep myself busy all the time so i won’t have to talk with them. i’m always in my room avoiding everything else. no, i’m not going to go to the cops or child protective services or whatever, i just wanna get the fuck outta here soon.
i’m here after two months. feeling slightly better as my second year of uni commenced a week back and i became a part of a pretty good research club. i’m here to talk about fond memories and clinging on to them. this post is mainly about a friend i made in grade 10, four years back. if you’re ever here, N, i hope you come across this.
she transferred from an all girls school to a co-ed school (mine) in 2016. i was one of her first friends. turns out she lived literally two fucking minutes from my house. we bonded pretty well and got close in a month or two i guess. close enough to the point where she was the last person i met before going on a holiday and the first person i met after coming back. didn’t have a crush on her though, moreover she wasn’t interested in dating.
something about her general attitude towards things spiked an interest in me. more on this later. it felt like she had her life on track and did everything according to a schedule. i was always OVERLY sentimental about objects and places and people and probably will be so in the future.
come grade 11, and we stopped talking as much as we used to before. towards the end of grade 11, i started dating this girl. my memory of that is pretty fucking shite but N and i had some beef in grade 11 and we used to diss each other on a group chat. come grade 12 (mid 2018) and i had a terrible breakup with that girl i started dating towards the end of 2017.
i got over my breakup a year back (my weak ass took a wholeass year to get over a 8 months’ heavily toxic relationship). i still haven’t gotten over the friends i lost during high school (grade 10,11 and 12). surprisingly (or to no one’s surprise), they’re all girls. i’m tight and always have been pretty tight with guy friends, never had beef with them and i’m friends with some guys from fucking 2011. anyway so my ex spread some bs all over the school post breakup saying how i “forced” her into things etc. and people bought it (including N). but the ones who really knew me got my back.
i tried a lot to talk to N about it but she wasn’t having it. this was somewhere in the end of 2018. i contacted N again mid-2019, she openly said that she cut off a LOT of people from high school and had only a tiny but close group of friends and she isn’t gonna change that. she said she only wanted people in her life who would help her grow in a positive manner and away from all drama. soon, she unfollowed me on instagram. my dumbass contacted her again on snapchat (Jan 2020).
“hey, i’m going back to uni soon, here for a few days more. would you like to meet up for old times’ sake?”
got left on read.
my desperate fucking ass sent her a follow request on instagram a day back, she accepted but didn’t follow back.
yeah, i’m clingy, i’m fucking emotional (unlikely qualities to be seen in a guy, maybe?)
i genuinely don’t know where i fucked up, but i know i did. i do NOT want to beat myself up over a four year old friendship that ended sourly. maybe i’m the toxic one as i’ve lost over two close girl-friends, notice the hyphen.
i don’t want any “motivational quotes” or “don’t focus on the past” or “focus on the friends you have currently and cherish the time spent with them” or yada yada fucking yada, i could look up motivational shit on google too.
instead, tell me what YOU would do if you were in my situation. i genuinely miss her but i’ve accepted the fact that she’s not coming back. i have a pretty tight group of friends, all from high school though. i HATE my uni life and most of the people there (don’t judge).
if you’ve read this whole rant, ily.
the days just go by. i distract myself by watching a LOT of tv shows. about 12 hours of screen time a day. the routine is so fucking monotonous. i’m in need of some serious motivation. what keeps y’all going? i feel like i’m living just for the sake of it.
interesting analogy^ i came across this article sometime in 2018, thought i’d add a few lines of my own and share it here.
observe the images carefully. the one on the left is A and the one on the right is B.
the black box represents a person. the green ball represents grief/pain that a person undergoes. the red area is the pain box.
A : the ball is too big to move without hitting the red box. every time it moves around the black box, it hits the red box. the grief is too much to handle initially, be it the loss of a loved one, or a failure at something.
B : over time, the green ball doesn’t get smaller, the black box gets bigger. we as people grow over time. experiences make us better people. we broaden our minds to new perspectives and welcome new opportunities.
but that doesn’t mean the grief fades away or reduces. it’s ever present as it was before. the frequency of it appearing it is less because the person has learnt to live with it. it will strike, when the person least expects it to. a song, a familiar moment, a scene or even a place can bring back the grief hidden for ages.
the people you have in your life grow and occupy space in the tapestry that makes up your life. when they’re gone, it makes a hole where they used to be. the memories and love are still there and may always be there. so don’t look at your tapestry as filled with holes – look at it as your own unique lace pattern. the pattern isn’t over, but it is constantly changing. the pain of loss doesn’t ever really go away, but it does lessen over time.
this very analogy helped me through a rough breakup two years back, hope it’s useful to someone out there too.
a big fuck you to my mom who said that suicide is only for “the weak”.
i’m gonna swear a lot, bear with me. it’s 22:22. no one’s enjoying this lockdown. but i seem to like it. university’s shut down, i’m away from toxic people. i’m on my phone, laptop and ps4 for almost the whole fucking day. i’m an 18 y/o guy btw, but it’s super tough living with my family. maybe you’ve heard of a “conservative hindu” family, maybe you haven’t. i REALLY don’t like talking about my family to anyone. not even my closest friends know exactly what i’m going through. i have a strained relationship with my dad from 2011. fucker used to beat me a lot, even for the littlest of reasons. i’d always dread his arrival from the office to our house (“home”, my fucking ass). he wanted to instill fear in me and he did that pretty fucking well. i’m fucking 18, and i still hate his presence around the house. my mom, on the other hand, is an instigator. any opportunity she gets to put my reputation down with my dad, she’ll grab it. i distanced myself from them right from 2017, and it gets worse every fucking day. i know their movements so well by now, i can tell who’s approaching my room and when. sometimes, i hide in the washroom when my dad gets home so that i can avoid seeing him for a few minutes. i have a sibling, she’s only 8. perfect mind to brainwash for my parents. they want to make her the “ideal” indian girl; extremely religious, doesn’t talk back to elders etc. basically, they want her to be anyone but me. i’m not religious or political, and i’m going to stay away from it for all my life. my parents hate anyone who goes against their religious or political views. so much for “open-mindedness”. drinking/smoking is a HUGE no-no. although, i do both occasionally unbeknownst to them. on another note, i fucking hate my university life. never wanted to go back to my home country, but that was our “budget”. stuck there for 4 years till i get my degree. the people are so toxic and i can’t seem to get along with most of them. maybe it’s my fault for being too judgemental, oh well. uni life is supposed to be enjoyable. my uni is a highly reputed one but it’s extremely strict and super conservative. guys and girls together is a big no-no. drinking can get you suspended for 6 months. there are pda (public display of affection) guards posted along the campus. ngl, that’s the creepiest job right fucking there. anyway, the dorms suck, food sucks, people are fucking rowdy-like. maybe i’m super fucking pessimistic. i have a small but tight group of friends back home (not gonna mention where). they’re fucking everything to me, even if they don’t know it. i’m really bad at expressing myself and putting my feelings out there. i’m kind of introverted, maybe? definitely not the kind who’d prefer a night of solitude over a party with close friends, but my social meter runs out really fast. but if i’m close to you, i’d fucking talk all night. oh, and about suicide? i’ve thought about it from when i was 15-16. how did it start? i really fucking don’t know. i never found any joy in living, like most of the people do?? hours and days would just pass and i would sit and wonder, what the fuck is MY purpose? you know, i dated this girl for 9 months in 2017-18, got dumped pretty bad, did NOT take it well. students, teachers etc. got to know, huge scene took place. if you (my ex) ever come across this, just know that i never meant to hurt you. my mom hated me for dating, as if i wasn’t “allowed” to have a crush and act on it. jesus fuck mom, i was just 16. from that point of time, my parents “lost trust” in me and i lost respect for them. the more i got to know about my parents’ attitude towards things, the more i felt disgusted. i get it, nobody’s perfect. took me a year to get over my ex. thought that was the “end of the world”. tried to kms by drinking clorox? resulted in tummy ache lmao. i thought of getting sleeping pills but never went forward with it. other methods seemed too painful. so i finally got over her, idk how. woke up one fine day and didn’t miss her anymore.this world works in mysterious ways. read a lot of inspirational and therapeutic articles on the web to clear my head. all i can say, stick to your friends, your closest ones. you’ll know who the right ones are. the vibe when you’re around them will just feel RIGHT. if you don’t feel the vibe, you don’t need that sort of negativity in your life. i’ve become better at choosing friends. i’ve started to love myself more. yes, i smoke and drink. doesn’t mean i’m a bad person. maybe i’m too selfish as i only care about myself these days, but hey, i never used to care about myself. i get somewhat abused mentally at my house (not getting in detail). i wanna go abroad for masters, probably UK or USA. my family doesn’t have that kinda money and that puts me down a lot. all my friends have gone abroad to pursue their field of interest. wish i had that kind of financial backup. plus my dad made it very clear that he won’t fund me if the fee is beyond his budget. hope i get some form of funding or scholarship lmaooo. do i hate my parents? not really, they’ve done a lot for me even though they act like complete fucking dicks all day. probably that’s the way they were brought up. i knew that my grandpa was abusive, i can see the marks on my dad’s hands. maybe my dad’s releasing all that anger on me? but i know one thing for sure. i want to start afresh. new country, new life. and i want to keep my current friends forever. let me put this out there, high school friends stick with you. in college, people are gonna fucking use you till they want and then dump you when you’re no longer of use to them. i really don’t know what i’m doing in life but i hope i make it somewhere. thanks for reading this really long rant. i will survive, you will survive, we all will survive.