Does this make me a male Jenna Hammilton? The whole school knows all my life because of this blog. #AWKWARD
I don’t remember. I let that shit GO. THEY DON’T EVEN REMEMBER!!! XD…
I don’t think I belong here anymore. ?
I think I’m done here. I posted the type of stuff a depressed person HATES to hear. I Know I freaking HATED that type of speech. I need to get a life now that I feel like being alive. Thanks to everyone who helped. Thanks to all who made it interesting. You guys rock. If I ever said we should talk shoot me an email @firstname.lastname@example.org . I may take a while to respond as it’s not my real name. Or account but I’ll try.
P.S. This last part is irrelevant like the rest of my posts:
To all the fans #haters I got at the end. Thanks so much for the attention. I tested you and you ALL fell for it. I’M flattered that you would leave your daily life to come and try to anonimously make me feel bad on a SUICIDE website. I now realize why somethings I say are taken a certain way. And I’m glad you helped me. You all are the reason why I am going to work hard. And trust me, MY MIND IS SET. Thanks again for… I’m not even sure, I guess showing that some people need a hobby? Or reminding me WHY I stay TF away from people? Lol yeah thanks
If you’re chronically depressed, if your life sucks, if you hate yourself, please don’t give up. I was just there, and thus every part of it is relatable. This is a battle you may face more than once, but it’s Worth the shot at winning.I don’t think my story will be yours, but please use your battle as a pencil to write your own on life’s notebook.
I’m just coming out of it, I’m just learning how far behind I am and that I must raise again on the eschelons of life. I’m just realizing I’m causing a lot of hurt for me, and more importantly those around me. I’m glad I’ve realized it, and what to do about it. I still feel a little down, still are tired a lot and still have trouble with many things. However, with the bounds of depression gone I am now free to crawl and maybe some day I’ll soar through the cosmos of success. For now crawl I must until I’m physiologically ready.
I had no idea how much was going on. The symptoms are brutal in hindsight. The mental fog from other conditions essentially multiplies. My sleep patterns are messed up on accident. The easiest of tasks is so exhausting TO INCLUDE fun activities. Nothing is fun, NOTHING is worth it, NOTHING will be enough. When I was alone sometimes it scream, I’d cry, I’d relive painful scenarios in my mind that couldn’t be solved, nor could they affect me. Knowing this, knowing that the Monday this attitude this way of life was unhealthy and condemned, banned EXILED Even by society, I was incapable of pretending like most, to include some who are in this website. I felt like I head tried EVERYTHING. I even had a plan to commit suicide. When I tell you I KNOW it sucks, I know the pain, trust me I do. And it may come back in an hour, a day years even, but having felt sanity makes the fight worth it.
Depression is a heavy burden, please don’t carry it alone, seek help yes I KNOW you tried, I KNOW you are tired but trust me it’s with the fight. We need you, your friends need you, your family needs you and most importantly you need you. If love isn’t enough to Keep you think about hate. All of your haters will still be around. All the people who talked badly, demeaned you and made you feel badly about your shortcomings will live, and they will survive and maybe be someone in life. No, you can do this and you should. Screw that! If your enemies can do it, you certainly can. Think about it, they can’t even cut you some slack at your down points why should they reap the fruits of life and resilience? Please address the problem, seek a solution and do your best while you’re around here. People know you’re struggling, but if you try it may be with it. I know this won’t work for all, some may be lost regardless and that’s ok, I’m glad you fought this far.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. You are worth while.
Based on my last note, I now realize who I have become, and who I was. My Quinoa came in screaming and throwing ALL KINDS OF NEGATIVITY my way. Little do they know I now make fun of people who do that because it honestly solves nothing. But, it can get the cops called on you lol. This Quinoa said many things they thought were true. I thought they were full truths at some point as well. But this person is someone who I should (idk if this door is still open) talk to more, or at least learn more about them, they have a story that i chose not to expose on here just in case I invite someone to see this. I want to say in my defense that I now know why these things happened, but in NO WAY am I condoning myself for my behavior.
I moved to a different country, I had no idea what I was getting into, I was raised to think I was normal, and I though I was just a lazy peace of shit. By this point I had already lost my will to live at around 7 years of age in third grade. I was now in 8th. I came here and quickly learned how lazy I was tanks to all the reminders I eventually started receiving from my parents. I had no idea what chores were, either A I used to eat out, or B I used to leave the dishes until I felt like it. Thus when I encountered this new place I was STUNNED! But, It was doable, The place i first moved to was convenient, safe(ish) so filled, blossoming and flourishing with opportunity. I almost felt alive. My now sick creator and his now deactivated Proxy were so helpful, I met a (*** Lover Doll *** ) But then we moved. I was alone most of the time, I was working so hard for my schoolwork then mostly watched tv. I was so tired and depressed, I was losing my mind, hungry all the time, then binge eating around my Creators occasions we went out . Thus they didn’t know I encountered a demon who haunts me ’till this day, anorexia. Sad thing is that there was a lot of food, I just didn’t know how to use it. Nor was I suenting VERY important nutrients, but It’s hard to tell. A lot of people do just fine without and I apparently dove that many problems. For someone who is already skinny, this demon makes you go CRAZIER. Now I will tell you what the Quinoa was bitching about:
1 – Ratchet, lice filled, homeless looking
No regards to personal appearance. FYI this is a symptom not just a decision. Don’t believe me? Do some research. Then read think about the people who do that without the need to. Is there a pattern? You don’t truly believe they’re all just lazy do you?
2- Never helps with any repairs around the house nor cleanse up or anything
Lazy, tired all the time, scatterbrained. (These aren’t symptoms lol. Yeah they’re just characteristics of a shitty person. A shitty person is TOATS a medical term btw. This is sarcasm.) A lot of times more than simple laziness I’m not even sure if I should. It’s kinda weird actually.
Hard time communicating, hard time keeping in touch
I suck a this. It’s kind of a symptom not really, IDK why, but it happens.
I’m on ADDERAL now for multiple reasons. I hope you get joy out of cursing and hollering at a mentally challenged person. Good job. 🙂
I had NO IDEA how incompetent I am. So if my now sick creator had talked to me i’d talk to my incompetent creator and then they’d go talk to my sick creator and it would seem like I was backstabbing them. Then the cycle would repeat because of the IQ heights I’ve already discussed. So yeah. Never is it mentioned the times I broke down because I KNEW I SUCKED. Never did my incompetent creator mention that I KNEW I CAUSED MY OWN PROBLEMS. Never was it mentioned that I clearly have issues, What can I do about it? So yeah. IDK what to say about this. It’s my fault, my bad. I should have known. But IDK, I wan’t ready clearly. I made SOOO MANY mistakes. I also pulled a trump MULTIPLE TIMES. Till this day I write things on my FB wall which then someone has to tell me how wrong they are. But Unfortunately, It seems like a lower awareness, and comprehention is part of the symptoms. I honestly no longer care. Not much I can do about it by worrying, however I think I will start keeping all personal statuses to myself. e.e let’s see how long that lasts. Gosh I hate myself.
5 – overall messy
I must most DEFINITELY AGREE! This is me, I need to change, I know so, and you know what, I’ve been quietly rising, slowly working on myself. ANYONE with that much against me, and ALL that negativity can FUCK OFF. Worry about you, because at the end of the day, honesty without tact is cruelty. So there. I honestly don’t hate nor resent it. But truly do want to work on me. That’s why I’m so quiet. Why would I want to spread my negativity to others? I occasionally give advice, but who wants to take advice from a someone beneath them? Idk, I definitely laugh wen my advice would have been helpful. But that’s a different story. L8r folks.
By now, I just became aware that not only the other main Creators also sick, and probably VERY MUCH SO, but I found out through others who have NO relationship to them. It’s ok, I’ve also discovered I’m most likely autistic, and bipolarish which s why it seemed like innatentive adhd. Good news is I’m clearly high functioning (kinda). And that my current job is teaching me MULTIPLE coping skills that my creators, and the Proxy creators thereafter attempted to download onto the traveler’s hard drive. I now know why they couldn’t download it, file was not compatible. I feel guilty, because the other main creator blames themselves, but it is NOT THEIR FAULT., it’s honestly NO ONE’S fault. A healthy diet, exercise, love, and willpower are the things that seem to e helping me heal. I now am closer than ever to own my car, I now am closer than ever to look at houses, and I am now closer than ever to regain social acceptance despite awkwardness. Tomorrow is a Quinoa’s baby shower, I had the opportunity to go, but to go there I’d have to ride with my other Quinoa who has done NOTHING BUT SHADE AND CUSS since I got here. I understand exactly what she THINKS she knows, but I haven’t been honest with myself let alone anyone else. I tried telling her a story she was to blinded by wrath to listen. She wanted to talk all that mess but not listen. I will make a different post addressing that situation, mainly because it’s my fault for now knowing about me, and not taking care of myself. Then again there was NO WAY I could’ve known, such is life. Thanks to her, my anxiety kicked up again, and last thing I need is to show up at a party with strangers and make (MORE OF) a fool of myself. Regardless of what amazing gift life is in this case. Especially through all my cousin has been through. It makes me so happy who she has become. Hopefully her sister and I can one day change and be better people, we’ll see, time will tell. I simply could NOT show up and make this about myself. Especially with what I mentioned on the last post. I don’t think now is the time to tell them that the carbon monoxide incident was ACTUALLY an accident (contrary to how my stupid chicken relative decided to try to call me out). I was planning to kill myself next year. The plan is in one of the many emotion driven posts I have on here and you’re more than welcome to comment on it or any other post if you please. I cannot promise a timely response as I definitely have A LOT of work to do on myself thus I can almost guarantee I’ll eventually outgrow this page, but idk if I’ll delete it, it kinda shows me where I’m coming from, kinda sucks it may be a liability, ESPECIALLY with the idiots who I’ve encountered recently. I don’t expect anyone ESPECIALLY my sick creator the competent one (no offense if the other one reads this sad part is they’ll IMMEDIATELY know who they are without me having to say anything.) to understand my condition is SERIOUS and it’s the cause of A LOT of my behaviours. But, I will still send all those who need to know information about my condition. Not as a crutch, not as a victimization, but as a way for them to understand that sometimes people have issues, and that’s okay. It’s better to deal with the issue at hand early, than to simply yell holler and shun the person which CLEARLY did NOTHING FOR ME nor the other silenced puzzle-peaces not a typo). Idk if I’ll ever show this to anyone, IDK if I’ll ever give this blog name to the people I want to read this. The two competent creators (they don’t even know each other like that. The sick Main Creator, and the Flower creator), definitely wouldn’t show it to the creator of proxy. For they are so consumed with greed, that they failed to see what I was saying. They probably hacked me because they’re too busy playing some odd game ergo they have NO IDEA how to talk to me. They don’t even know I don’t care for the game, nor am I eligible to play it, I just have nothing new or positive to report and HE TOOK THE ONE THING I LOVED AWAY FROM ME at the lowest point of my life. So I kinda died in the inside lol. So yeah, he can suck a dick, thanks for everything asshole, but you kinda sorta almost contributed to my suicide <3 .l. . (insert look what you made me do Zombie Make Up by Taylor Swift here).
But, i grew stronger I worked harder, and I Nickled Dimed. Baby I rose up from the dead I do it all the time.
Read day of the rose if you want to know more about that. This same Creator is one I’m for ever grateful for, as I would have died a long time ago if it weren’t for them. But, make no mistake, there’s 7,000,000,000 others in the world that we can choose to deal with. I love them, but this will now be forever at a distance. Maybe this will change, but this proxy finder Creator and the incompetent creator need to solve THEIR issues before approaching me. I cannot allow that much toxicity around me anymore, no matter how much I love the source. Mainly because I’m toxic and I NEED TO CHANGE. Clearly they weren’t helping, they sent me in route to change though, thank you. 🙂 Again this has become emotional and vague. No consistency, a little substance. And thus I know I need to get off here and pick up a book. Gosh it’s so hard to do >n< What moron have I become, oh well I need to change regardless so at least slowly but surely I'm doing it. If i showed you this, you know NOTHING. TRUST ME! It may look like it, but there's a lot of stories on here you may want to take a look at.I have been dead in the inside for a looooong time. And if I told you next year I would become homeless, think again, the game was suicide, the prize was death and I had a plan. Hopefully you're thankful It won't happen that way now. MAybe it's the moon you must thank who knows.
Addressing one of my Quinoa I mentioned earlier in a note, but ONLY for me. I don't care about their irrational outbursts and lashing out on a mentally challenged person.
Does anyone know what this post is all about? It reads similar to:
Password:Darvin This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password:
Just curious, not really trying to start stuff. If admins are not ok with this or I should mind my business, it’s cool.
I CANNOT BELIEVE the person I was, am, and will strive to change. I’m so lazy, absent minded, and moody and overall RUDE and DSRESPECTFUL. I need to change EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. Starting with my grooming habits. I need to change this life I’m living. I’m taking drugs daily now, started taking showers (yes THAT BAD). doing laundry. Sometimes it feels like i can barely move, others I forget to go have fun at night at an undisclosed location doing stuff I love as a workout. If any of you are trying to work out and on’t know where to start, I’d suggest this, pick up a new sport or skill that you love. It’s good enough if it’s yo-yoing outdoors or simply playing concentration (card game) outdoors on your phone. I do my skill at night people are less likely o speak to me and try to approach me with their fake rederick infused BULLSHIT. Doing fun things alone is so liberating. And I’m learning discipline for when I do things. I’m learning how to be a better son. I just realized all the Damage I’ve caused. I had no Idea how awful of a human being I’ve been. And that’s ok. It’s better for me to realize how wrong I am now, than later. It’s good enought to change. I need to get closer to my Family… SOME of my family. Too many negative people. I cannot believe how much I allowed people to do. I need to read a lot more, and update my mental databases. Today, I ensured I ate and prepared food for the rest of the week. In a healthy body, there’s a healthy mind according to my sensei. I need to bake some bread tonight and then I’ll have almond butter jelly sandwiches. I can then finish this project I’m working on. I’m happy about it even if it took me 50 days to do a 4 hour job. I also want to buy some of the things I destroyed, a storage heart, a boiling temper, and a memory storage. Most likely a skin bar and a talker. I feel like certain results don’t always mean what we think they do. I want Cosmos to heal like I am. I cannot stay here, in this epitome, this nadir this booby. Also I’m scribing for the mistress idea.
I guess I’m not going to give up this time. So many things are easier one the will to live is there. And I hope I can make it, and that I may become who I need to be. I’m so thankful to whatever made me feel like this. I’m overwhelmed, anxious and sad, but I want to live and it feels like I’m fighting. Like I care. I’m glad. I hope we can all feel this. If I’m high and that’s the only reason I can function, SO BE IT. I wonder if I’ll accomplish my goals. I wonder if I’ll restore my brain. I wonder if I’ll be the best. Ig2g but I’m glad I’m healing, and I hope I continue to.
I will make it. I’m having a lot of problems, but for the first time, I’m able, capable and willing even of feeling the will to be alive. I want to live for once and I already see the difference in so many of my actions. I fear my roommates are injecting me with steroids at night. I fear the problem was low T the whole time. But I am getting checked for that specific reason. 🙂
I know I can do this. I don’t know how or why I think I was actually hacked, and people were harrasing online. These people are now calling me a liar and a whole lot of things. They’re upset because I tested to see if it was them, and unfortunately it was. I’m not hurt, nor sorry nor should you. I must say I didn’t mean to hurt or offend anyone. A lot of the stuff I come here and type is very emotionally driven and from how I think right now is at least somewhat or completely VICTIMIZED.
I want to be the best, but I’m not even good and that’s ok. Gotta start somewhere. I know how to do it, but I feel like I’ve burned so many bridges with my idiocy. I want to become a contributing member of society. I want new better faster neurological connections. I want to be smart and wise. I want to be amazing. Make Carlos Pejuan again!!!! I meant great lol.
For anyone who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help and wait it out. <3 I'm glad I did. Even if it set me back, I'm glad I did. I understand if you choose to end yours. For I one was planning on doing the same. Thanks to everyone who came in here and supported a complete steamed expecting NOTHING in return. Whether you know me personally or not, thank you. I'm still gonna post, for I now have a lot of problems that I didn't know I had, and one of them is a lack of friends, and communication. But overall I will update this blog. I'd post videos, mainly because I don't like YouTube. It's so political and capitalistic now, where'd all the fun go to? But, I don't want anyone to see who I am and find me, or anything along those lines. I hope all is well. Again thank you, the suicide project worked. Watch me come in here in a day talking about I lost my job and I want to kill myself lol. Regardless if what happens, at This moment, at this point in time I'm alive, Hacked, struggling, surviving. And I'm sure as hell living.
PS. I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad in a week but it's ok. At least I'll finally address my issues. <3
I think I’m crazy. I’m mad because I may never achieve my goals regardless of what I do. I have a headache. And I’m hungry but I’m lazy. Im so sad right now, but I know I can get out of this. I just need time. Hopefully I won’t get fired. There’s SO MUCH to do. I suck major dick at everything. I need to change. For the best. I can do this? Yes, I can do this. I hope I’m ok. That’s what I pray.
Apparently I’ve lost my mind. I thought I had left it in my head
I better go to bed try to find it
Is that a bolt? Please don’t mind it I’ve gone bonkers
Out of my rockers
It’s so hard to exist. But I’m working on it. It just sucks that I wanted to die next year and out of nowhere now I don’t. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? So now I’m set back 3 years because of that, I’ve carelessly ruined my reputation and I have serious Brain, intestinal and overall physiological damage because of this. This is kind of inconvenient only because it’s (wanting to live) something that should have ALWAYS been there. FUCK MY LIFE RN. For real. WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!? UUUUGGGHHH.
I’m gonna start from scratch, rebuild myself and I just hope I can make it to my goals. The most upsetting part is that losing my job was convenient under the suicide plan, now I’m closer than ever to do that, and it’s not AT ALL an option. I want to swing from the chandelier, but there’s actual reasons for it now. I will follow my own advice, I must first see what bothers me, and then I’ll change it. My problems have solutions except for one which may just be a blessing in disguise. By now I’m probably mentally challenged because of all I’ve done and it’s gonna be a challenge to regain my strength. But, I know I can do it. I Know I CAN DO IT! AND YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!! <3 I’ve known that my coworkers and friends have been reading these notes. If you know me In Real Life XD I KNOW I’M A LOSER STFU at least now I can try!
Peace. I hope it stays.
In fear it may leave me.
Literally cleaning today. This is weird. I don’t understand how in the world this is happening. I really need to get tested for bipolarity disorder. I’ve never heard of this. I’m turning my life around. Out of NOWHERE!!!!! IM CONFUSED ASH HELL!!!
Now that I’m not suicidal, I guess I don’t need to be on here. Thanks for the support <3 guys. L8r
I woke up suicidal as usual the other day. To be honest I’ve only been living to die in a year and to support my family for emergencies. At some point that day and I will never forget it, I just wanted to live to help my siblings escape the shitty situation they’re in. I’m getting tested for BPD (Bisexual disorder, jk bipolar). This makes NO sense to me. How did my desire to live just come back like that? Now that it’s back my life is in shambles dude. Like, WTF!? I’m really upset about this because there is SOOO much I have to fix now, and most of it I’ll have to create. Worse part is that I’ve ostracized myself. I committed social suicide just so they could let me go easier. Why TF would life do this to me? Why not just let me go, or not send me over the brink at all. I don’t even know who to ask for help now, because I’d have to tell them EVERYTHING! I don’t even understand what happened though. Did I have a testosterone spike or something? I just had a shot for anthrax so if anything I figured I’d be feeling worse. Any advice guys? I could use Any help rn.
Lately, I’ve had people who I don’t even talk to tell me I’m playing the role of the victim. Does anyone else experience this? Because I don’t even talk to ANYONE anymore, and I HONESTLY don’t understand why people are so interested in my business.
After reading everything I wrote in the bottom. Wow I feel bad that is horrible. I’m starting to think I’m dissociating which would explain the memory lapses despite apparent intelligence. However, this is unacceptable. This is horrible and toxic as hell. I’m hurt just reading this. I wonder what other things I do that make me sch a toxic person. I’d say I’ll change but there’s only a year left for me. 🙁 so sad
So much people think they know my *****. BUT NO ONE CAN SAY THEY FUCKED!
PLEASE SHOW ME WHOLE FACTS
ROUND THEM UP!!!!!
I’m getting so much shit about who I did and didn’t sleep with. And it’s all by people WHO NEVER GOT THE D XDDDDDD
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . The most they may have is the one dude who was most likely a porn star who may have leaked a video.
But these bitches don’t realize I’m a dude. I’m flattered XD Buahahahha, Fun fact just in case any of them read this I’ve told you some of my experiences, never told you with who. XDD
Also unlike most of the dumb whores talking all that mess, I’m ddf. XD What about them? They should be more worried about their debt to income ratio, or better yet lol how about they worry about the relationships THEY CLEARLY don’t know how the fuck to keep. Bless their little hearts. XD