So to recap the list was Dumb, Crazy, Stupid, Retarded, and introducing the newest category UGLY. Apparently I am not worthy of of being selected as a mate. No one has ever wanted me. Idk if anyone ever will. It sucks guys. Now that I’m not depressed or suicidal I feel worthless .-. . Like from a utilitarian point of view I am just worthless. There is no point for me to be in this world anymore other that to not cause harm to those who love me. I think it isn’t fair for me to be here taking up space and time. It isn’t fair for me to e taking up Grindr space so I deleted it, no one hits me up anyways. Besides what am I gonna say? Hey I’m crazy and disabled want to be my boyfriend? So no. I need some time to myself. I need to grow as a person. I need to expand my mind. I need to be better. It sucks that I may never be who I want to be. I feel so sad. But this time there is a reason for my sadness. I am so many things I don’t want to be. I am not so many things I desire and admire. You know what I want? I want what most of us truly want in this page. I want to be happy. Is that possible?
I’m looking at this math class the way David saw Goliath… But I don’t have a slingshot. My brain feels like I’m a fucking retard. It doesn’t process math. It cannot get SHIT right. I’m so angry and frustrated at myself for being slow in the head. Fuck my life. I just want to die right now. I’m praying for cancer or a stroke. But the truth is I’m healthy. I fucking hate myself at the moment. I have so much homework to do and so little time. And I can’t even get it right apparently. I’m tired of life’s trials. I just wanted to be successful. Why is it that life punishes me with shortcomings at every mother f-ing step of the way. First depression then ADHD, then schizophrenia and now learning disabilities. Fuck my life dude I’m so angry my head hurts. I’m so sad about it all though. I think I’m going to sleep. Not because I’m tired but because I don’t see the point of trying anymore.
I need to find an apartment ASAP. But no one wants to live with a crazy person. I can’t believe how unfortunate I am. To develop a condition that doesn’t affect most people and that is so frowned upon. I think it sucks to be me. Now I have to opt into certain areas I don’t want to because I’m technically disabled. Fuck my life. I hope none of you ever have to go through this. I hope your children aren’t cursed like me. And I hope I can find an apartment soon or else I will be another homeless veteran. Who’s mind is not quite there.
Fuck you schizophrenia
Would you pay a suicide note out not? Before I head no reason to. I was chronically depressed with no apparent cause. But now if I killed myself there would be a cause. How about you? Would you leave a note behind? And what would be the premise of it?
What if I never make it? What if this is it and I’m bound to be in debt and poor forever? What if this is the sole epitome of my existence? The nadir now far behind me. A glimpse to the past reveals all I can be with a future looking nothing but dismal. I had it all except a brain. Gee now I have nothing. I’m studying, but will that be enough? Will I perform? What will I do? Now I cant even have sex very well. The medications ruined my stamina and my drive. They also ruined my hardness in case anyone was wondering. Then again nobody is trying to sleep with me so no need for Viagra. I am so pathetic. If all goes well and I finish school what will I do? What if I don’t finish school? What If I end up as a poorly paid prostitute due to the lack of looks? What if I lose both my parents and it makes me go psychotic? What if I lose my impulse control and end up doing something I regret? What if I get accused of a crime I didn’t commit? What if I end up actually commiting a crime or hitting someone on the road on accident? What if I never find love? What if I get a traumatic brain injury? What if I’m clarivoyant? What if I’m just paranoid? What if I’m never good enough to be a mason? What if secret societies are best left alone and kept secret? What if what I really want is something different than to be part of a group? But, is that it? Is that the highlight of my lowlife? I wonder…
Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Just started school. My essay didn’t save in the proper format so now I have to fix it. It did not get seen by the tutor and if it did, idk how tf to view it corrected. The book i need for class arrived… at my old address which I have no way to get in contact with. So I had to it again, but there’s no overnight delivery nor E-books available. I needed the book for a paragraph I have to write which OH BY THE WAY is a graded Quiz. JUST FUCK MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.’
I feel like this song right now. But no one can fix me. I feel roken beyond repair. Why can’t I just be better? Why did I have to be this shitty stupid person.
So many people who take for granted how intelligent they are and waste their life. So many people who do the bear minimum knowing they could do so much more and succeed. So many intelligent people with eidedic (photographic) memories and not a care in the world. Why can’t that be me…
I hate my shortcomings. For the song? Creep by radiohead. I’ll probably post this a lot. I got the blues
First off this song is fire.
Roses are dead, they’re violent like you. Poke you with thorns and leave a scar too.
I feel so sad, i feel ugly, i feel useless
I feel like now that I’m not physicaly depressed I’m getting emotionally depressed.Iused to be incredibly sad all the time. It used to be that for some reason, somehow, I just did NOT want to live. I just wanted to die. That is no longer the case, but now I’m starting to face reality and that is getting me depressed. I’m poor, my parents won’t live forever, I’m schizophrenic, my memory is terrible, my social skills are bad, I’m kind of retarded and I’m gay (that last one is only bad for me personally due to certain circumstances in my life that made being gay suck a little I know It could’ve been worse). So These realities are hitting me like a ton of bricks because I’m trying to get out of a bad situation and I need to help others on the way, but I honestly don’t know if it’ll happen. I’m taking steps towards it, but again IDK if it’s possible. My mind now shattered, now broken, lies in the care of itself. Isn’t that Ironic? Anyone who can and would take care of me is so far away. ANd I chose to stay here in order to study. I wonder if this will pan out. I wonder if I’ll make it. I’m trying o hard, but IDK if it’s going to happen. This pandemic makesit harder for me. I wanted physical classes. I neededto be able to witness my teacher and be able to stay after and ask stupid questions that he already gave the answer to. But, no. It’s all online now. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m scared. I’m trying to create a support network here, but as an adult that is incredibly hard. Especially without school or group therapy to attend. I feel alone. I feel weak. Seeing this, the state of the world and the riots is making me sad. I’m feeling a little down and this time with reasons. How unfortunate
I like my avatar but I’ve noticed they are all kind of random. Can you choose your own avatar? And who makes these dope avatars? These and many more questions to be answered by hopefully the admins if those mythical beasts even exist.
Today OI’m actually kind of sad. MAN FUCK THIS WORLD. I just had to buy an expensive car that lord know how I’m gonna pay for due to my roommate needing rides. I wish I was already in a good place in life where I could afford this but the truth is that I’m not. Literally don’t know where else to post this. OH and as for the old car it took a big old shit on me and my life. FUCK PATRICIA ( MY OLD CAR) the repairs will cost me about 3500 plus 600 for a miss fire she has. So I need to get rid of the *****. IDK how. Nobody’s buying cars and IDK where I can dump it to just let that be someone else’s headache. I hould have sold her sooner. Too bad
i didn’t know better. Ignorance is a sad thing. Take it from an idiot. I am so stupid and easily used. I just wanna disappear now. honestly fuck my life.
As for the song. Today all the good girls go to hell. Fuck me, fuck EVERYTHING.
‘Cinnamon isn’t sweet. My thoughts they are filled with fear over this future. Sure I’m not depressed, but I am schizophrenic, jobless and stupid. ‘m afraid there isn’t a better future in hand. But, I want there to be. When did life become so complicated? When did the things we hate become that which we need in order to survive? When did Taxes, jobs, educations become life? What happened to games, and playing, and loving, and cheerfulness? What happened to our childhood? Why is this so hard? I mean now that I’m not depressed life hits me like a ton of briks. Can’t win for losing with this. It feels like there’s so much to this and I cant make ends meet. I don’t know what to do. I’ts like I’m constantly drowning and the little progress I make is when i slap the water. But that isn’t progress, I’m not getting safer with that, I’m not getting closer to shore or out of the water, I’m just trying not to sink. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Maybe it’s just me.
Just signed up for a class. I think it’s for me to be able to say I tried more than anything. Still schizophrenic still on disability, still kind of a loser at the moment. I’m trying to read more. My mom and I try to learn new words together. Things are pretty stable, but I really want to find my calling. I’m so frustrated with myself for not being more. I’m so frustrated that I am single, I’m so angry that I lost touch with beautiful people. I feel so sorry for myself. But, I’m working on it. I need to succeed. I need to get out of this rut. I suggest if you read this and you feel stuck, work on it. 🙂 I believe in you. Besides you’re gonna die anyways. Die Trying
And again it dawned upon my mind ( aka I had the epiphany that) I just lost my job because if my mental illness. And I sucked long before I was gone. I am now literally and legally crazy. Who will want to hire me? Who will want to date me? I wonder this and so much more. Will I ever study what I want to learn? Will I be good at it or will I have to give it up for something easier? Something different, something more at my “capabilities”. All I want in this world is to be a geneticist. Why must I be so dumb and lazy. Why did I have to be schizophrenic? I just lost my job because of it… And it’s never coming back. Hopefully this is a lose you to love me type of deal. Hopefully there is a better future in store for me. I didn’t know who to talk about this to.
There’s a guy I met on Grindr I think he’s cute. He’s nice and he seems to be on my wavelength. But, at what point am I going to tell him about my schizophrenia? How will he react? Will he tell everyone he knows? Will he warn others? What will happen? What if it slips that I’m on disability due to that when I meet him for the first time? I feel so scared, so vulnerable, so unlovable. I wonder what will be of this.
Have you ever thought maybe it’s not a lack of antidepressants in your body that’s causing you to be depressed?
For some of us there may be another underlying cause to it. In my case it was a vitamin D deficiency. There was a dude on YouTube that had low testosterone. Some people just need a little abilify in their life and some people have a thyroid problem. Please get tested if and when you can.(we’re in the middle of a pandemic when I’m writing this). Hope this helps l8r
Oh and here’s a video of the dude with low T
I’m so lazy. I think my psyche is affected. I don’t do anything but play league and sleep. I’m tired all the time and I gained weight due to meds. I can’t even go on Grindr because when asked so what do you do for a living guess what? Disability due to schizophrenia isn’t it exactly a catch to anyone. I should be reading more but I’m not. I should be studying doing crossword puzzles or something, but I’m not. I’m so frustrated with myself at the moment. I’m such an imbecile. I doubt I’ll ever be a geneticist like I want to be. Gosh this sucks. I’m just hoping I’m wrong… I’m just hoping school comes easy to me the way it used to.i want to make it so bad it’s not even funny. In my depression I just wanted to die. Now, I just want to succeed. I want it bad, like I’ll do anything except for part with the devil. I hear there’s a price tonpay with that one. I just don’t want to be the one guy sober not making it in school. And I want a boyfriend gat darn it. Shouldn’t have been so promiscuous when I was younger I guess. Oh well. Just a little rant to show life ain’t perfect on my end. Thank God for this place where I can rant and rave. Idk what song to post this time so no song today
I now avoid this place because it kinda brings me moredown than the hope and light I feel I can bring to it. But I don’t know where else I can write this and keep it somewhat personal.
I feel like people love me. And that is good. I was so afraid people hated me and couldn’t stand me. I feared people wanted to kill me even. At some point the paranoia had taken over me, but it wasn’t true. I’m not a monster. I’m not evil. I’m not that horrible of a human being despite how I may have felt. There’s people who love me. My mother loves me. And I am doing ok. Thanks for life to have given me a second chance. If you’re reading this far and are planning on killing yourself don’t. Tommorow may be the day you overcome depression. And trust me, that will make life worth living. Hoping for a cure. Carlos out. No song today. Instead this video of how I kind of feel at the moment. Only difference is I don’t feel like a diamond, I feel inferior. But, I’m sure with time I’ll overcome that. I hope I can watch the full season of Steven universe future that show is awesome. My ex used to love it, now I know why. To bad he lives too far, I think I loved him without knowing. Kinda still would love to be straight. But that is another story. Carlos out
- If only there was a second step to this place. Like an I’m not suicidal and I want to give hope project. I’m getting depressed again visiting this place. I think I’ve graduated and hope others can do the same. I’ll miss it, maybe I’ll check in once in a while, but it’s affecting me negatively and thus I must digress. L8r
I guess we can’t all be the superhero of this story we call life on Earth. But, that may be ok. Turns out a lot of millionaires feel empty and they do heavy drugs. Turns out the guy this post is about is kind of a douche. But at the end of the day millionaires get to have all their money. And Russ gets to be always on point. I don’t get why I can’t be like him. I don’t understand why I’m so inept. But it’s ok. I don’t know what battles they may have. Maybe we are perfect just the way we are. Depressed, bipolar schizophrenic etc. Maybe it’s better this way. To be a misfit toy. Maybe the mountains are better off conquered by others. I mean we can’t all be Superman. There were also spectators and villains. I think I sound mediocre but I don’t care. Screw the standards society put on us. It’s not like we’re making it anyways. So why not give ourselves a break? Maybe we are meant to be the little people that make the world go round. Maybe reincarnation is real and it’s our turn to suffer a little. Maybe it’s better this way…
Welcome to being a misfit. I accept you for who you are. I hope it’s mutual and I hope you also accept yourself.
If people can suggest new music for me that’d be great.