I went to the ward again. My mother was so sad. I feel like I’m at least fighting for my life and I’m seeking help before it gets bad. I think it’s awfully that I made her cry. But what was I supposed to do? I’ve been researching methods and thinking about suicide a lot. I knew it was time to go back. I don’t feel suicidal at the moment. I feel hopeful. I just want to succeed. That’s all I want. I wonder why God is so against that.
Putting a whole bunch of patches on chewing tobacco and tobacco chewing gum. Mainly the patches though. Would that work or would it just be an awesome high?
I’m thinking of buying a gun and offing myself. I don’t feel sad or tired. I just think it’s better if that way. I don’t wanna keep trying. I’m just kinda done. I lived a good life. But I’m done. Can anyone else relate?
I feel like being schizophrenic and dumb are things I just didn’t sign up for. You feel me? I kinda want to off myself based on that alone. I also feel like I’m a burden to society at the moment. And I don’t think I’m down to partake in this life thing anymore.
I want to start posting on here certain visions and stories I hallucinated while having untreated schizophrenia but I’m scared done may be true, and there may be consequences if I share. Probably not, but then again I’m kinda crazy now a days and I was already stupid before that. I’m never gonna be a geneticist. Who an I kidding.
I came to visit. He left me at the airport. I had to get a hotel. He hasn’t done a thing with me since I got here. He goes out without me. Leaving me to rot alone in the house bored. I fester in my sadness and outright in my loneliness. I can’t believe it. You should have told me not to come if that’s how you felt. At least I could have saved my money and flown somewhere else. This may be the last time I come visit. I’m contemplating of suicide, not because of his obvious lack of affection but because he pointed out something important. I doubt any lab will let me work with them knowing I have schizophrenia. And I don’t feel like changing my life’s course. I’m so sad. I can’t believe he let me fly all this way to leave me in the house. At least my cousin is coming to visit. Maybe that’ll be fun.
- I failed again. I have little time left to do the projects for english class and math, let’s not even talk about. I’m worried about me. Idk if I’ll ever succeed in life. I hate feeling this stupid. It makes me wanna cease to exist. I feel so stupid. I feel so wrong. I feel like a burden to society. I feel so unnecessary. But I feel like I have to keep on trying. Just in case there is a chance to make it, I position myself to take it. I’m so depressed right now. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I wish to someday be a geneticist do amazing things with my money and be an amazing person without selling hello from the devil. Is that too much to ask? I just feel so frustrated… Do dumb. Almost incapable seemingly irrational. Why must this be my present? Why must my past be so bad? Why am I here to suffer and be dumb
I’m going to fail math and possibly english. I should’ve only taken one class. Not making the same mistake next semester.fml I’m so sad. I feel retarded. Everyone at work called me that. I now understand that it was true. I have no brains. I’m feeling kinda down lately. The only thing I’m good at is being a friend. There are no jobs for that. I think I’ll retake one of these classes next semester, but only one. I’m so incapable. I just wanted to be someone in life. I just wanted to get out of poverty. And do amazing things for myself and others with my money. Some dreams Don’t come true I guess. What is a dream you had that will never come true?
And for the song Mad at Disney.
I’m mad at Disney, Disney
They tricked me, tricked me
Had me wishing on a shooting star
But now I’m twenty-something
I still know nothing
About who I am or what I’m not
Someone also mentioned they couldn’t even do cancer right. They have experienced one of my fears cancer attacked but the ***** left her alive. Whisper is so relatable sometimes. I may not be depressed but my will to live isn’t that strong anyways.
My first big assignment and I blew it.
I failed again. I failed to turn in my homework on time. I failed to prioritize what I needed to do first. I failed myself. I failed at life. At least my symptoms arent flaring up. At least I’m not falling straight into psychosis. But, still. I’ve failed. The meds made me soo tired i basically slept through monday and tuesday and by the time wendesday came I was already late. I found this guy under the miniclips in the WAP video. I can relate so much to him. I hate how the system doesn’t work. Everything from hospitals to prison it’s broken. America is awesome in many aspects don’t get me wrong. But there is so much that could change. I just wish things got better globally. I just wish things got better for me perpetually. I just hope things get better for the guy in the video. I feel so alone. The group where I was supposed to meet people with schizophrenia who I could relate to and not have to lie about my condition and about being disabled ended due to this pandemic. There is no group therapy other than over the phone. And it isn’t the same. Thus far I met one person on it. Which I am thankful for, but it isn’t what was planned. I’m so scared of failing school and being just another dropout. I’m so scared of letting myself down. I’m so scared of having a relapse. To the point where I actually make it to my appointments on time and I don’t ask for a lower dosage of meds. I’m terrified of getting corona. That is no way to go. It is a cruel virus. It is so cruel. I feel so powerless.
Where are you box car, are you still around swing by and talk for a little
I just failed my second math test. I am now facing the consequences of being a retard. Something out of my control, something I cannot change I wish I was smarter so I could pass these tests and become something important in my life. I think it’s unfortunate when you have big dreams and desires but you’re not capable of manifesting them. I just found two tutors. I wonder if that will help. All I want is to be a great person. I’m on the brink of selling my soul for success. It’s like I want it so bad Idk what year to do. Living just seems to not be my thing. I’m an idiot, I’m retarded, I’m slow, I’m weak, I’m lazy, I’m stupid, I’m schizophrenic, I’m just not meant for this world. FML and then I no longer believe suicide is the answer. But it’s so tempting. I’m also having nightmares lately about demons. Idk what it means. I also have weird dreams about being experimented on and electrocuted. It’s all just so crazy. I miss being normal. I miss being smart. I miss being depressed but high functioning. Now I’m just a leech to society. My roommate still hasn’t payed me ANYTHING but he went to Colorado on plane to fuck his girlfriend. He doesn’t even pay insurance on the car he hasn’t posted me for yet I’m saved he’s going to get in a crash and I’ll have to sue him for the damages. I’m so tired. I’m so sad. I’m so dumb. Why did god make me
I just thought it was relatable at least in my case where I don’t talk about these things to people in my life, but I do talk to people on here and Grindr lol.
So to recap the list was Dumb, Crazy, Stupid, Retarded, and introducing the newest category UGLY. Apparently I am not worthy of of being selected as a mate. No one has ever wanted me. Idk if anyone ever will. It sucks guys. Now that I’m not depressed or suicidal I feel worthless .-. . Like from a utilitarian point of view I am just worthless. There is no point for me to be in this world anymore other that to not cause harm to those who love me. I think it isn’t fair for me to be here taking up space and time. It isn’t fair for me to e taking up Grindr space so I deleted it, no one hits me up anyways. Besides what am I gonna say? Hey I’m crazy and disabled want to be my boyfriend? So no. I need some time to myself. I need to grow as a person. I need to expand my mind. I need to be better. It sucks that I may never be who I want to be. I feel so sad. But this time there is a reason for my sadness. I am so many things I don’t want to be. I am not so many things I desire and admire. You know what I want? I want what most of us truly want in this page. I want to be happy. Is that possible?
I’m looking at this math class the way David saw Goliath… But I don’t have a slingshot. My brain feels like I’m a fucking retard. It doesn’t process math. It cannot get SHIT right. I’m so angry and frustrated at myself for being slow in the head. Fuck my life. I just want to die right now. I’m praying for cancer or a stroke. But the truth is I’m healthy. I fucking hate myself at the moment. I have so much homework to do and so little time. And I can’t even get it right apparently. I’m tired of life’s trials. I just wanted to be successful. Why is it that life punishes me with shortcomings at every mother f-ing step of the way. First depression then ADHD, then schizophrenia and now learning disabilities. Fuck my life dude I’m so angry my head hurts. I’m so sad about it all though. I think I’m going to sleep. Not because I’m tired but because I don’t see the point of trying anymore.
I need to find an apartment ASAP. But no one wants to live with a crazy person. I can’t believe how unfortunate I am. To develop a condition that doesn’t affect most people and that is so frowned upon. I think it sucks to be me. Now I have to opt into certain areas I don’t want to because I’m technically disabled. Fuck my life. I hope none of you ever have to go through this. I hope your children aren’t cursed like me. And I hope I can find an apartment soon or else I will be another homeless veteran. Who’s mind is not quite there.
Fuck you schizophrenia
Would you pay a suicide note out not? Before I head no reason to. I was chronically depressed with no apparent cause. But now if I killed myself there would be a cause. How about you? Would you leave a note behind? And what would be the premise of it?
What if I never make it? What if this is it and I’m bound to be in debt and poor forever? What if this is the sole epitome of my existence? The nadir now far behind me. A glimpse to the past reveals all I can be with a future looking nothing but dismal. I had it all except a brain. Gee now I have nothing. I’m studying, but will that be enough? Will I perform? What will I do? Now I cant even have sex very well. The medications ruined my stamina and my drive. They also ruined my hardness in case anyone was wondering. Then again nobody is trying to sleep with me so no need for Viagra. I am so pathetic. If all goes well and I finish school what will I do? What if I don’t finish school? What If I end up as a poorly paid prostitute due to the lack of looks? What if I lose both my parents and it makes me go psychotic? What if I lose my impulse control and end up doing something I regret? What if I get accused of a crime I didn’t commit? What if I end up actually commiting a crime or hitting someone on the road on accident? What if I never find love? What if I get a traumatic brain injury? What if I’m clarivoyant? What if I’m just paranoid? What if I’m never good enough to be a mason? What if secret societies are best left alone and kept secret? What if what I really want is something different than to be part of a group? But, is that it? Is that the highlight of my lowlife? I wonder…
Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Just started school. My essay didn’t save in the proper format so now I have to fix it. It did not get seen by the tutor and if it did, idk how tf to view it corrected. The book i need for class arrived… at my old address which I have no way to get in contact with. So I had to it again, but there’s no overnight delivery nor E-books available. I needed the book for a paragraph I have to write which OH BY THE WAY is a graded Quiz. JUST FUCK MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.’
I feel like this song right now. But no one can fix me. I feel roken beyond repair. Why can’t I just be better? Why did I have to be this shitty stupid person.
So many people who take for granted how intelligent they are and waste their life. So many people who do the bear minimum knowing they could do so much more and succeed. So many intelligent people with eidedic (photographic) memories and not a care in the world. Why can’t that be me…
I hate my shortcomings. For the song? Creep by radiohead. I’ll probably post this a lot. I got the blues
First off this song is fire.
Roses are dead, they’re violent like you. Poke you with thorns and leave a scar too.
I feel so sad, i feel ugly, i feel useless
I feel like now that I’m not physicaly depressed I’m getting emotionally depressed.Iused to be incredibly sad all the time. It used to be that for some reason, somehow, I just did NOT want to live. I just wanted to die. That is no longer the case, but now I’m starting to face reality and that is getting me depressed. I’m poor, my parents won’t live forever, I’m schizophrenic, my memory is terrible, my social skills are bad, I’m kind of retarded and I’m gay (that last one is only bad for me personally due to certain circumstances in my life that made being gay suck a little I know It could’ve been worse). So These realities are hitting me like a ton of bricks because I’m trying to get out of a bad situation and I need to help others on the way, but I honestly don’t know if it’ll happen. I’m taking steps towards it, but again IDK if it’s possible. My mind now shattered, now broken, lies in the care of itself. Isn’t that Ironic? Anyone who can and would take care of me is so far away. ANd I chose to stay here in order to study. I wonder if this will pan out. I wonder if I’ll make it. I’m trying o hard, but IDK if it’s going to happen. This pandemic makesit harder for me. I wanted physical classes. I neededto be able to witness my teacher and be able to stay after and ask stupid questions that he already gave the answer to. But, no. It’s all online now. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m scared. I’m trying to create a support network here, but as an adult that is incredibly hard. Especially without school or group therapy to attend. I feel alone. I feel weak. Seeing this, the state of the world and the riots is making me sad. I’m feeling a little down and this time with reasons. How unfortunate