Peace. I hope it stays.
In fear it may leave me.
Peace. I hope it stays.
No longer depressed, schizophrenic, stupid
I woke up suicidal as usual the other day. To be honest I’ve only been living to die in a year and to support my family for emergencies. At some point that day and I will never forget it, I just wanted to live to help my siblings escape the shitty situation they’re in. I’m getting tested for BPD (Bisexual disorder, jk bipolar). This makes NO sense to me. How did my desire to live just come back like that? Now that it’s back my life is in shambles dude. Like, WTF!? I’m really upset about this because there is SOOO much I have to fix now, and most of it I’ll have to create. Worse part is that I’ve ostracized myself. I committed social suicide just so they could let me go easier. Why TF would life do this to me? Why not just let me go, or not send me over the brink at all. I don’t even know who to ask for help now, because I’d have to tell them EVERYTHING! I don’t even understand what happened though. Did I have a testosterone spike or something? I just had a shot for anthrax so if anything I figured I’d be feeling worse. Any advice guys? I could use Any help rn.
After reading everything I wrote in the bottom. Wow I feel bad that is horrible. I’m starting to think I’m dissociating which would explain the memory lapses despite apparent intelligence. However, this is unacceptable. This is horrible and toxic as hell. I’m hurt just reading this. I wonder what other things I do that make me sch a toxic person. I’d say I’ll change but there’s only a year left for me. 🙁 so sad
So much people think they know my *****. BUT NO ONE CAN SAY THEY FUCKED!
PLEASE SHOW ME WHOLE FACTS
ROUND THEM UP!!!!!
I’m getting so much shit about who I did and didn’t sleep with. And it’s all by people WHO NEVER GOT THE D XDDDDDD
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . The most they may have is the one dude who was most likely a porn star who may have leaked a video.
But these bitches don’t realize I’m a dude. I’m flattered XD Buahahahha, Fun fact just in case any of them read this I’ve told you some of my experiences, never told you with who. XDD
Also unlike most of the dumb whores talking all that mess, I’m ddf. XD What about them? They should be more worried about their debt to income ratio, or better yet lol how about they worry about the relationships THEY CLEARLY don’t know how the fuck to keep. Bless their little hearts. XD
I AM ANGRY! All day today, first I had no energy,
then when I did i got in my car and got NOTHING FUCKING DONE.
SOO MUCH TO DO. The simplest of tasks is daunting to me.
WTF IS MY PROBLEM?
BUY ALL THESE FUCKING GROCERIES AND THEY END UP ROTTING IN MY GOD DAMN FRIDGE!?
I HAVE ROOMATES FOR FUCKS SAKE.
My car looks like shit again.
I feel like I'm having an autistic breakdown, about to hit my head, scream, bash my head into the walls and shit.
I fucking hate everything rn.
Thinking of telling me therapist in suicidal, taking to my friends and family about it, “reaching out”… But fuc that. I’m tired if doing that. Still want to kill myself, still losing brain cells, will got stupid assed haters XD and still am in a better situation in MANY ASPECTS than a lot of them. I love my haters though, they are great for personal development and to laugh at. Besides I’m not even sure if bonding is the problem here, If I needed to bond, wouldn’t I stop pushing people away?
Today the asshole essentially told me that he’s going through my stuff. If I didn’t need to Save money I would have dropped his ass right then and there. I hate how a lot of people seem to be turning against me right now for NO FUCKING REASON, BUT I’m killing myself in a year so I don’t give a damn tbh. I will never see him or any of the other people who are trying to annoy me again. Most of these people, can’t even live their own lives and then they want to tell me what to do. Like that one stupid ***** who can’t even keep her husband, the other ***** who is a LITERAL slut shamer who has cheated on all her boyfriends (none of them clung on too hard either lol), or that other asshole who cheats on his wife with men, women and prostitutes. Almost forgot that other chick who talks mad shit about everyone because of how sad she truly is cheating on her boyfriend, getting abortions, lying about a Lot of her certificates, lol and there’s so much more IDK she knows I could expose if I wanted to. 🙂 . My Creators act like they don’t give a FLYING FUCK about me except for one. One of the Creators of intervention literally said I was bragging about my life, and banned me from seeing the other cherubs (one of them which hates me thanks to them). The Demon creator never did care for any of it’s creations in an expressive manner, thus its hard to tell whether or not they care. But I know they don’t, so I for myself upon them. The other Creator, the Vampire is a little much, but I think they are only pretending to care for something they can get from me now. The Vampire was dumb enough to talk to people who don’t care and don’t need to know, and in some cases hate the vampire with a passion our personal arguments and I will never trust them again. One of my friends was throwing shade, I laughed because I’m only acting the way I do currently because I’m killing myself. So I don’t take offense to that. God bless their heart, they mean well. Anywho, I’m done venting about cluelessness. I don’t even mean any of this. But I’ll post it anyway.
I’ve pushed that particular creator away for a reason. They are a toxic mess who blame everyone else for their problems. Like no, you caused your OWN problems. On top of that, that creator hates ANYONE who is on a better financial situation than them. In one word… Jealousy, and it’s OBVIOUS. They are unhappy with their own life and kinda choose to say that their mistakes are the fault of people who told the vampire NOT to be become one of the demon’s concubines. I now understand that the vampire was blinded by love, it’s very sad how years of abuse led this creature to believe someone cared for them when they obviously didn’t. The Creator now constantly apologises to it’s creation for making it. The creation no longer broods, and they no longer care. They just would love for the vampire to move on and be humble. Creation had an unstable isotope, and pushed the Creator away so it would not be damaged as much when they exploded.
This was written in anger, idk about the accuracy of it
My right eye cannot hide it anymore. It’s busting out in years every chance it gets. The rest of my body is ok with it, but my right eye is just crying and it makes me feel sensitive even about rough jokes, but ONLY in that area. It’s weirding me out. Psichiatrist tom. Idk if I’ll ever see a therapist again. I don’t care anymore. I just wanna die. Haha. I’m done.
Also someone suggested low T may be the cause for my depression. Idk, I’ll give it a shot so people can’t say I didn’t try everything. Besides.y suicidal tendencies have LITERALLY no cause, so it would make sense
I’m currently annoyed by having to try and live. It’s getting VERY hard to make it through this year. Idk if I can hold on until I’m done with my promise to finally go and kill myself. The winter blues plus Adderall withdrawals and lack of sleep are killing me. I’m so tired all the time. Too lazy to make food and get energy to function.
I’m unfortunately suicidal, and I do find it to be a weakness. I think I should die. XD haha I think the world would be better off without my genes. How pathetic. XD how sad. Other people seem to live with it, don’t people overcome it. And they need to breed, and make more ” strong” babies. I’m done talking to people, because it doesn’t help. Solving my problems helps. But I don’t want to. I am not willing to. I’m not down. Just one more year, and I will commit suicide. Can’t wait. Finally won’t have to deal with anything.
It seems like people love me. It seems like I was an incredible person. It seems as if I have some qualities specific and unique to me. And It’s odd, for I am in a place right now where that is pointless. Those qualities that once worked for me, no longer do. I feel bad for the people who really don’t know I have a year left. For those who feel like I am now happy, and living life to the fullest. For those who want me to be part of their life, and I’ve pushed them away, because I’m about to die, and the less attachment the better. I wonder if people understand this. If I spoke up, would anything be different? Would life be better and worth living all of a sudden? I doubt it. 🙂 I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’ve loved, hated, been betrayed, betrayed (still do but not on purpose, apparently there are many negative things I need to work on, which I am working on but that’s a different story).
I’m starting to talk a little more, but I keep on saying that. Also the winter blues came pretty strong this year. So I’m not really talking to anyone I don’t have to. Funny how my friends have no suspicions. 🙂 I pushed them all away anyway. I want NO obstacles haha. Work is sucking again, but it’s just because I slacked off. I honestly don’t care if I get fired anymore. XD I really don’t, but I need to try my best while I’m here, I hate lazy people and I shall go fighting.
It’s insane how many blessings were stolen from me by jealous humans. If only they knew the consequences of doing such things. I don’t know that it’s called Karma, but trust me, everybody takes a fair cut of the cake. Those who you know are evil, yet seem to be living life to the fullest… they are so empty and dead in the inside It’s pathetic, and LAUGHABLE. 🙂
I don’t want to make it past 25, everybody seems to die in the inside, and It’s sucky. But, at the same time I guess it helps in dealing with everything. However, I love feeling, happiness, sadness depression, those moments hen adhd is fun, those times when life lets you experience small victories like catching something that’s falling, like a hug from someone you miss,. I love when I’ve failed and I’m sad, because those are the times I learned SO much. Those times, they made me stronger. Looking at a sylvan paradise, looking at a painted paradise, I feel great. I want to die remembering the Great, the good, the random, the bad and the ugly. I want to stop all this which has made me feel. Why? I don’t know, I simply lost the desire to live at some point and my mind accepted that as reality. I’m glad it’s not because of problems like when I was younger, because problems have solutions. How silly was I. Problems ALWAYS have solutions. And It’s because of that that I was able to enjoy so MUCH in life at my young age. But I’m so done. there’s so mamy ways to go, I’m not sure the method I wanted before is what I’ll do anymore. But we’ll see, It’s just suicide lol, not like something I really gotta plan out. XD jaja. I’m happy to say that soon people who hate me will find their joy, and people who love me can rest assured they know I’m ok. XD Kinda sucks I’ll miss all the suicide jokes, but that’s ok. The jokes of the tragedies are ok with me, as long as they aren’t ill willed.
I’ve ranted enough. To anyone readin, please write the simple things that make you happy, and those that have helped you grow.
The date is tuesday 5SEP2017
The reason for you being added to this despite not being that relevant is you forgot something.
On this day we were supposed to do something somewhere. I didn’t forget, Did you? Just to let you know I was excited about this,
not because i believed it would change anything. But because I knew it would be a nice relief from everyday life. Thank you for offering though! ^_^ I appreciate you.
Now I know this will Certainly not be the thing to make me stay 🙂 . Thanks for trying ^_^
And as you always say in a tone of social engineering,
Love you :*
Nobody cares, and no one is listening.
I have no ambition, nor drive. My motivation a some point died. I hate myself no energy to strive. But alass all you guys care about is if I’m going to a college tribe. Don’t worry, in a year I’ll stop being a problem. In a year I’ll stop moving and stay still no emblem, no mascot
I want to stay, but it’s just not for me. I see it all and it looks so sweet. But it all plays out one things on repeat. The words I want are rest in peace.
The other day I stopped taking, it’s like my voice got tired picked up and started walking. The only ones who were worried was those who contributed to my coffin. Just kidding they’re just not relevant, I got a little more voice than what I’m offering.
I don’t feel like being, don’t feel like doing, don’t feel like moving, don’t feel like living. But with the pop of a pill I give my life a new beginning. Not really all I did was do my job which I hate but it allows me to have a certain lifestyle I enjoy, And go back home.
Not only that I associate with someone with promised myself I would never talk to her again cuz they’re a piece of s***. I also spent way too much time with them and didn’t get s*** done yesterday. I am so tired because I’m most likely depressed, and Adderall feels like a lower version of what my friends always describe the crash from cocaine is like. I have so much stuff to do for work and on top of that I haven’t sent a for school and my credit card is maxed out. Apparently I can’t just do a partial payment on it. Way to go. I’m hoping I can finally get out in about a year and worry about other things because whatever I’m worrying about right now kind of sucks. And I’m pretty sure my incident last week is affecting my brain. Lack of oxygen to the brain is a serious thing apparently it happens you in if you’re not trying to die so kind of hate myself and my life at the moment. I really really need to get everything done but I have no energy left to do it and I don’t know where all this energy went why I feel this way. I’m concerned because I don’t know if I had AIDS or I’m a diabetic now or if there’s a problem that I’m not aware of and I just can’t do it anymore one more year. And it’ll all be over. ^=^
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