Dear Anon( u kno who u are),
I hope you still get a spark in your eye when you think of me. I’ve went through all my journals and there was a lot of things that I wasn’t proud of writing so I ripped out the entries I’d written that were penned in anger and I’m summing up the rest here. The things that still stick in my mind had the longest entries. Like the time we first met and the time we first made love; those two moments bring tears to my eyes and make me forget any bad stuff for awhile. I also have a vivid memory of us waiting for the ferry on the way back from the mainland by the dock where we cuddled a bit and skipped stones; that’s one of the most romantic times I’ve ever had and I often wonder if you think of it yourself ? <3 It doesn't matter if you don't, you showed me so much love that day I feel crazy love just thinking back on it, automatically, it was amazing and magical. I miss the times we shared and the promises we told each other we'd keep. I wish I would have made you proud but I really got lost in my mind and didn't recognize things were going downhill and before I knew it everything was in shambles and I knew I had to take responsibility for my part in what occurred. That's the reason I called off our relationship, I was a basket case and it was too damaging being around my soulmate(I still believe heh). I didn't want you to see me break apart piece by piece which is what happened. You needed someone to lean on and I was hanging next to a cliff, i would have tumbled over and you would've stumbled down with me.
I've completed drug rehab and even got locked up in the psyche ward for a week because of withdrawals and attempted suicide. The belt never held up even with partial suspension! Lucky me I guess 🙂
I feel more stabilized now but still not well enough to show myself off to you or anyone else. I know everyone who used to know me wouldn't recognize me now. I sleep better now but my daytime and social anxiety still holds me back and I want to be open and carefree if I get a second chance to make things right someday down the road. You'll always be my big amazing lover bear and I want to be your cute, carefree ,curious, slightly emo kitteh boi( I'm trying not to be emo anymore, it's hard :/ )
I plan to live back in Ontario as there's more support for me there and I won't have to navigate everything on my own which isn't possible for me in my current headspace. I need helping hands till I feel confident enough in myself to show more independence. Bless your heart for sticking by me for so long as you must have gritted your teeth at my shy and fickle persona lol I wasn't always so broken, i remember when we first met in the flesh I still had some spunk. Now I'm on a mission to find that spunk and cherish it and hold onto it and never let it go! Please just think of me not in terms of how I am ATM but who I am deep inside 🙂 I'm determined to get better and eventually share my health with someone special (someone like you heheh x3) . It hasn't been an easy road to discover my flaws but now I can polish them out and create new beauty from the junk left behind.
I truely hope you find what you want in this life, you deserve it! I hope you find someone to make you happy even if that someone isn't me, I just want you to soar and be free! I love you unconditionally and you're the only person I've ever opened up to. Don't worry about what anyone thinks of you, your amazing and your one hell of a guy 🙂
I have some growing up to do or I will CatchTheBus if I try my best but make the world worse for wear. I have no illusions about how much of the world I've stepped my foot on and had it burn to flames. I've come to peace with whatever destiny awaits me and if time has already advanced too far I may have to let the flame burn away till it's a tiny point of withering heat in the infinite void. I hope not! I hope I'll be around to adopt a kid with a hubby and have a wonderful life and I'm giving this life everything I have left in me to make something worth holding 🙂
Love always <3,