Even though you don’t love me
Just tell me you love me.
I can give you what you need.
Even though you don’t love me.
“I think its better if I dont come over today. I dont really feel like being used and treated like a whore today”
“Thats fine, ill see you another day. Maybe somewhere next week”
I mean. This was an expected answer. It still made me quite sad. I dont know why. Like I said. It was expected. Our agreement basically is that I let him use me like a whore. It makes me feel usefull. Slightly less worthless than I am when Im not being used.
Still I sort of hoped he would tell me I could come over anyway and we could just hang out, maybe play some mortal combat and then have normal-people-sex maybe.
I regret cancelling him now. I know I dont want to go but I really do rather have that Im being fucked when Im not into it than not being fucked. Why did I just cancel my only few hours of feeling semi-worthy.
Im so stupid. And disgusting.
Fucking anxiety. For fucks sake.
I just had an awful dream. Where one of my biggest fears actually happened. Thats not a first, no. This time it was in my house though. I cant remember if some parts actually happened before, because thats what it feels like, or if its all made up.
I have to pee but its still dark. I woke up about an hour ago. Around 6:10 am. Ive been waiting for it to turn light. I cant sleep anymore because then Ill return to the dream. I actually just got myself to move so I finally got on my laptop. Havent gotten myself to move more than 5 cm though. Luckily my laptop was on my bed. If I could just turn on the light I could at least do something productive like roll a joint. To turn on the light I have to get out of bed. Its still too dark and quiet to get out of bed.
Im pretty sure 1 aspect of the dream really happened last week and it makes me anxious. Which is silly of course. Im aware of that. I guess Im pretty much aware of how insane I am.Im aware that being afraid because you had a bad dream is something a child would do. I am fully aware Im a baby.
I feel sick because im incredibly thirsty. Also hungry caus I barely ate in weeks. My bladder hurts like a mother. But even though I know my mom is up Im afraid to walk into the dark hallway.
Why does it always turn light so late in winter. Anxiety was better to handle in summer.
I feel sad. and angry. and scared. Im an angry, scared, little baby. Im pathetic.
I am a mess.
Inside and out.
The most frustrating thing is always to know that you have created your own mess yourself.
No one did anything to me , ever. I created all this shit myself.Every bad thing that has happened, has happened because of me.
I either deserved it or asked for it.
And now I have to go and complain about it.
Im a stupid ****.
I have not been eating much lately.
obviously on the night my mind decides to create even more visions and noises that arent there Im getting hungry.
Usually I like the scratching feeling you get when youre hungry.
I just want some food now.
I need weed. I cant sleep without it.
But I cant move. I cant leave my room. I need to stay where I am.
Its stupid. You know the shit you see is not real. Yet it is terrifying as fuck.
I have not been moving – except for my hands to type – for quite some time now.
Not sure what I will think will happen if I do move. I do feel it cant be anything good.
Im afraid to turn around.
I hear noises, like vaguely somewhere someone is screaming, the entire time.
I know someone is watching me right now and it terrifies me.
Sometimes I can be rather silly.
Sometimes I actually think people can enjoy talking to me because they like me. I know its a silly thing to think. Because it’s not true. And there has never been any evidence to prove I am worthy of being treated like a normal human being.
I guess people can sense when youre willing to do everything for them. Because I am, basically.Â Give me some attention and Ill worship the ground you walk on.
Its rather pathetic.
I just wish someone would want to talk to me because they find me interesting, and not because they want to fuck me and/or hope I will send them videos/pictures of me for free.
Some people forget that youre a person. Which is ok. Only when I’m being silly I think I am worthy enough to be treated like a person anyway.
It gets very tiring being an users-object all your life.
I dont want to be one anymore. Im ready to give that title to someone else now.
I always make schedules.
According to my schedule I had to have readen all three books I needed to read for the two exams I had. According to my schedule I had to finish them last friday. Which was possible if I wasnt just a complete ****.
I already decided to do only one exam because I thought that would be easier and I would at leats get to finish reading for 1 subjct. And I cant. I cant get to finish it. And its not even that hard.
According to my schedule I was supposed to start studying an hour ago. And I didnt do it. Because Im a ****. And now Im freaking out because I have that fucking training to go which my therapist wants me to go to. And I wont be back until dinner.
I am gonna fail so bad. Im such a pathetic failure. Fuck.
If I just wasn’t so fucking stupid it wouldnt be this fucking hard.
My mother told me once when I was about 11/12. That she gave more care to my brothers because she saw that I needed the attention less. I could take care of myself.
I guess that is sort of how I lived the next 10 years. I dont need anyone. I can take care of myself. Except for this site I never really talk about my shit.
I rant a lot. I am probably one of the most moody people you will ever meet. I nag about pretty much everything I see.
Im a negative person.Â The glass is always half empty.
Still it would be nice from time to time if someone would give a fuck about you, you know.
I really am not as tough as I pretend to be.
Im sitting on my bed. Not knowing what to do. I wish I had some friends to do nice things with. Or just hang out with..
I need contact with the outside world to feel a bit more sane. But I cant get it.
I dont know how you make people to like you. How do people make friends?
I hate being alone all the time. I dont want to be alone.
I really wanted to leave. But I didnt. I just lay here in my bed crying, curled up in a ball. Which is how I spend most of my days, actually.
I texted my only friend. I dont know why. The conclusion of that conversation was that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. There were various reasons: I’m selfish. I live in my own world. I have a lack of respect. I treat people like shit.
Thoe all sound like very legit reasons. I just spend the last hour making sure I absolutely have no contact with the outside world whatsoever except for this site.
I feel worse now. I want to kill myself more. For fucks sake. I want to die. I want to die. Why cant I just get out of bed to go and kill myself already.
Every time Im on the edge, but dont act on it I just hate myself more. Im so repulsed by myself. I am so disgusting.
Maybe I dont even deserve death though.
I kept on telling myself I was not worthy of living. But maybe its the other way around: maybe I’m not worthy of death. I live a miserable life. Miserable as fuck. And that is all I deserve. I dont deserve freedom. I dont deserve peace.
All I deserve is this. Being here. Miserable as fuck.
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