Im so sorry.
And i love you too.
Im so sorry.
I made my Mom cry a LOT. I hitted her. I locked myself on my room and i didnt let her pass. She tried to come in and i bumped her out again. Im so agressive and i cant control myself. She started crying a fucking lot she was ao desesperated and she barely could breath.
I want to die.
Im a fucking poisonous insect.
I hate myself so much. Im a 100 percent conscious about the things i have to change about my attitude, life and relationships. I know perfectly how things have to get done to be finally happy. But i just can’t change. Changing is so difficult for me. Thats the reason i hate myself. I make people suffer so badly and i can’t control it. Im a ugly,slefish and ungreatful woman who only thinks about herself. I treat my parents so badly. I make them suffer a lot and thats so so unfair! They give me everything and im still so ungreatful. I make my boyfriend suffer and thats so unfair! He us the only one at my side every single time and im still so horrendous. I also treat bad the few friends i have and that makes me feel so guilty. I feel guilt because i am guilty. Im a 100 percent guilty for absolutly everything. I just can’t change.
You won depression.
Thank’s for all you’ve done.
Im so fucking sad. I think it’s the worst day of my life .My heart is totally broken. My favourite human on the world,who is my boyfriend, told me he wants to be only my friend. I started crying and sobbing. We finally didnt breake up but he said he wants me to change because im making him suffer and in other words that im destroying his life. He also supoused that i cant be his exception and that he also has a life. He broke my fucking heart so much! I love him so much! He also does … but the fact of me making him suffer it kills me!! Im such an epidemic !! Im destroying everyones life and i will never forgive myself about that. My parents life, my friends life, he’s life … EVERYONES!
I think it all started when my parents got divorced. It was so hard for me! And im still dealing with that, even though it happened almost 9 years ago. Also, it was very hard for me when Mom brought his new boyfriend to our house as soon as she divorced. She never asked me if it bothered me to live with someone who was completely new for me, and it really did. I was always jealous because she was always with him, and they are still like that. I hate that! She replaced me with him. It was always me and her, but when this son of a ***** appeared on my life, it started being he and her. No more me!! I started staying alone in home with the kangaroo while they went out for dinner or to the theatre. Now, im adult enough for staying alone while they go out, but the thing is still the same. I loved my Mom so much!!! So much that my heart was totally broken after all this trouble. It makes me so sad knowing that it always was me,my sister and Mom;but know, it’s me,Mom,my sister and his boyfriend. Why?? I hate thinking that my Mom loves him more than me. A couple of years ago, product of the divorce and the replacement my Mom did with myself, i started developing violent behaviors and depression started growing on me. After all those family problems, i started having trouble at school. People was SO mean. I was labelled as the “weird” one and people made fun of me just because i loved horses and because i was different. I had a couple of friends at that school (And some of them still are) but there were many kids who made my infance very very hard. I don’t want to get into details,but believe me, that school was a hell for me. I was burning in there. In consecuence of my bad experience on that school, i started developing an antisocial behavior, i started having fear on meeting new people and i started closing myself so much that i began closing myself even with my parents and family. Thank god, My parents realized i was really suffering there and they changed me to another school were im comfortable enough and i can be myself with no judgement. But it’s still the same today. I am still closed with everyone (People and Family) and my violent and antisocial behaviors are constantly increasing. That several traumas i had on my life are really destroying myself and my future. Not that long ago, i realized that smoking weed was the only thing that stopped me from hurting myself or even committing suicide. When i smoke, i get very relaxed and i temporally forget of all my problems. Im not saying marijuana is a solution, cause it’s not, but it’s the only thing that relaxes me and helps me out with some stuff. Some time ago, i started developing a drug adicction with herb. I started smoking nearly every single day and i couldn’t stop. At first, weed was really helpfull but then it started taking power of me and i began being very lazy and i also started losing interest for many things. Im still fighting with my adicction. I dont want to stop smoking forever, i just want to control myself and i want to have the power again to decide when i want and really need to smoke and when not.
This traumas i had in all my life are not only destroying my life, but also my Mom’s. As she replaced me with her boyfriend, unconciouslly and unintentionally i started feeling hate towards her. Hate?? Why?? If she pays me a very expensive school,Health care,she mantains all the pets i have, she takes care of me and she gets me everything i want. Why do i hate her? I DONT KNOW! I started being SOOO mean with her. I started being a fucking ***** with Mom and trust me,she didn’t deserved it. Product of my awfull behavior, she started taking less care of me. I also feel she doesen’t loves me more. In many ocations i even got hitted by her and she told me horrible things like that im a monster and that im destroying her life and she even tried to kick me out of home more than once. I provoqued all this negative tensions between us and the whole family. I really hate myself for all this crap i provoqued. Im really desesperated and i dont know what to do and every day things get darker and darker. What the hell can i do? I started developing psychiatric pathologies and now i need to get treated under medication. In exactly 5 days im having my first apointement with the psychrist and im really scared and embarassed.
Not only i ruinned my life, but also others! Some months ago i met someone who i fell in love with. My parents have no idea of his existance and i promissed myself i will never get them to now about my romance. I just feel very ankward they to know that i have a boyfriend, and also i don’t want him to know my parents because they are crazy as fuck. I hate myself for hidding this. I feel so bad for him. He deserves my family to know about him, but i just feel so much shame! I can’t! Im so sorry about that and thinking that his entire family know’s about me and mine don’t even know’s im dating someone, makes me feel so much guilt! Also, i hate myself for being such a toxic. Several times i thought about breaking up because i can’t stop thinking about im going to destroy his life too. When i have anger attacks, i get angry with him to even tough he has nothing to do with my rage. I feel so much guilt and i don’t know what to do. I keep destroying people lives and i dont know how to stop. Concluding this summerized paragraph, i just beg this future medication can help me out. I also hope i can have the same relationship i had with Mom 9 years ago. I love her so much and i hate myself for hating her. It’s all my fault and i will never forgive myself for all the pain i caused.
Im suffering so much … and im unintentionally making other suffer too.
Feeling so much hate right now… I prommised myself i wont have another rage attack, but i just got one!! I can’t control myself and my anger is constantly manipulating me. I feel hate for everyone. Nobody cares about me. I dont give a shit when someone tells me im important or that they care about me, because i know thats not the truth and that everyone who says me that is a hypocrite! I feel hate for literally EVERYONE. Im just so filled up with madness that i fucking want to end up my miserable and hatefull life. I have NO ONE in this world to love or care abouy. NO ONE. People is not good and every person i met in my life, in some way broke my heart and there’s no turn back . There’s nobody who made me feel special at least one. NOBODY. Not even my own family. Nobody cares about me and that’s not a thought, that’s a fact! Im sure that if i was dead it will be much more easier for everyone to keep going with their lives. Im such a creep.
Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that im really thankfull for all the messages and coments. I really apreciate them and i take the time to read every single one of them, and all the advice and personal stuff you tell me, i really take them into account.Maybe im not answering and im really sorry about that and the idea of you thinking im an asshole because of that it makes me sick! I just dont have the time to answer every comment but they are REALLY helpfull and im also gratefull. I even know some of you bc i remember ur usernames.
Im so sorry and i hope u all understand ?
My Mom told me she is afraid of me commiting suicide. With her own words, she said she is afraid of me bumping my head so hard untill i die.Im so ashamed of myself. I had another rage attack this morning while my Mom was driving me to school. I started screaming very loud with a raspy voice while i was kicking the inside car with my legs and hitting with my feast the car’s glass so hard that i almost brake it. She also said that she thinks im using hard drugs and bc of that my temper is getring darker. Im just another pathologic girl … always moody :/
Just had another anger attack for no reason at all. When i do, i start hitting myself and bumping my head against the wall, i start pulling of my hair untill it comes out,i try to scream (but i dont because there is usually someone near),i cut my wrists and legs by myself and i get in a violent mood. I cant contol my rage, and furor is fucking killing me. In exactly 15 days im finaly going to the Psychrist and get a medication. My parents want’s me to get medicated since a couple of years ago, but i totaly refused to be narcotized. But as a consecuence of my constant bad temper increase,im forced by my mother to get doped by a Psychrist.In some way,she might be right. Maybe getting medicated is a good option. Honestly speaking, i did everything to get rid of depression and rage attacks but nothing worked, so i must try the Psychrist’s medication. Im finally getting the help i always needed and im fucking scared and embarassed. I hope it works out. Good Luck for me. :'(
This morning i was fighting with my mother because she is forcing me to go to a psychrist and get on a treatment and also because she wants my father and sister know that,even though i dont want because im totally embarrassed. My mon started beating me, and i got so angry that i punched her back and she fell to the floor. Im so embarrassed about that and i really hate myself for being such a violent. I deserve to die, and even if i dont, i wish i did.
I hate my Dad,i hate my Mom and i hate my Sister too. My mother and sister both says im a psycopath and that i should be hospitilized. My Father once told me im a bad daughter and a piece of trash and my Mom called me a monster. My Sister is constantly trying to get my parents to punish me. She always says that im a weirdo and that nobody likes me because of that, and that i will die alone. She once even cried because she said i was weirdly dressed and that im not into “fashion”. My Father has violent tendencies and i wouldnt be suprised if i got hitted by him,and more than once i got hardly beaten by my Mother. I hate having the feeling that my parents are ashamed of me. I hate myself for hating my family and that’s something i will never forgive to myself. Im a fucking coward and i dont deserve my family. Im guilty and i deserve to be unfairly treated. :'(
Smoking pot became a rutine. I get high every single day and if i dont do,i get really depressed and dark thoughts start eating my conciousness. Im totally aware of my adicction and that weed is slowly converting me in a sloth. Yes,a sloth. And i mean it. Lately im feelling very slothful,my lack of energy is constantly increasing and my enthusiasm for things totally disapeard. Weed makes me so sluggish that sometimes im even lazy to cook and everytime im much more sure to describe myself as an antisocial teen. Is it even normal to cancel every plan with your friends and family just to get a high while being alone? Eventhough smoking herb is helping me with all my struggles and it heals me like nothing else does, i know i should stop my daily smoking as soon as possible because as every drug,its not only developing a big dependency on me, but it’s also making my mind slower and blurred. I can also add other health problems that weed provoques me. Every time im on this substance, i devour the whole fridge even though im not hungry. I eat untill i cant no more, without following my diet.
Im so trapped and i dont know what to do. Should i stop? Or should i continue? …
Im exhausted and i can bearly breath. Im tired of this sick and mad world. Im still facing depression and it seems it will be attached to me forever. I force myself every single day to live,and even to eat! I cant get over my emotions, they are totally manipulating me,as if i were a puppet! A fuckimg meat puppet!
My anger is constantly increasing and i cant control it. I start having agressive responses and violence starts taking control over me. My emotions are constantly manipulating me and i can’t fucking get rid of that !
Im lost . Im angry with the fucking entire world . Im fucking screaming and dying inside. Just please, STOP KILLING ME !!!! AAAHHHGGGG I JUST HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH! WHY THE FUCK IM NOT JUST A NORMAL PERSON ?? WHY?WHY?