I wish I could get this feeling away from me but suicide pops into my head all day. I’m 21 years old and feel like I have already lived enough. I’m drained. I sit here now typing this in my bed n don’t even have the energy to pick my head up off the pillow. And I did nothing today. Like I do everyday. But suicide seems so nice right now. Like all this stress and sadness gone in a minute. Â But what’s so hard about it is I don’t want to die. When I think about it I just think of my mom n my dad and my brothers. They would be so hurt n I don’t want to hurt them. Â Especially my mom. She’s lived a tough life. she dont deserve that. But I lived through a lot to. And I’m stuck here in this body. Sure I could stay around and keep dragging on, but my existence is then merely to make everyone else happy. I’m the one that is dying inside. The funny thing is I’m one of those people that nobody would ever no hurts as much as I do. When I was younger, like a baby, I was raped. A lot. And when I turned 13 and realized I was gay the only people I could talk to we’re those on the Internet. And I trusted everyone. And so badly wanted a friend and to be loved. That got me raped again. I never told anyone. But I wanted someone to know so badly. I’d cut myself like crazy and write these insane letters to myself that I’d subconsciously leave for people to see but it never worked. Everyone ignored it. And I moved on and was over it. From the time I was 13 till 18 I’ve had like 50 sexual partners. My only time I ever felt good about myself. And now I think about the dirtbags I’ve been with and feel so much shame. Turned 18, met a 35 year old man and moved out. Thought I made the best decision of my life. 3 years later I’m laying here with no money, confidence, no friends, no job, constantly covering up bruises, and just lost. I live with someone who hates me but won’t let me leave him. I just don’t get why my life is like this. I do nothing but help people & treat everyone I meet with respect and love. I don’t abuse drugs or alcohol. When I worked I was an incredible worker. I just wish I got something back for once. If I could count the amount of times I go out daily even just to the grocery store and get horrible attitude I’d run out of numbers. Yet I’m so nice. I just think at this point I’m done. I believe life is mapped out and I think from the time I was born I was setup for failure. I’m so scared to die. I have no idea if ill just disappear. And I don’t want to not exist. I just don’t want to be me anymore.