i’m sick ofÂ trying to feel happy and pretending to be happy. I’m just going to go to my f****** doctor and get some depression pills. Maybe they will work can iÂ even get depression pills at 14 idk but if it dont work I hope i choke on them or i might overdose myself on them.
Today I went to church and I felt so guilty. I haven’t thought about killing myself in two weeks I was on a roll I considered myself sober because I had my music on full blast so I won’t think just hmmm to the music. But it ended today because suicide is a sin and being in church seeing everyone going on about how they love god made me sad. All I do is sin every time I think about killing myself and cutting myself. At that moment I felt like killing myself. Yea how sick I’m sinning in church. On top of it I never fit in with the church people they would always stare and or sometimes act like if I’m not there. But eventually they would say hi and give me a hug but I don’t hold it against anyone because I know they are good people and wouldn’t want any harm to them. But I felt like killing myself when I knew I lobed god and this is how I’m repaying him for all the things I have prayed about and got what I wanted. There is no doubt about it that I love god. But how can I when I don’t love myself and hurt him with my thoughts, the words that come out of my mouth. I don’t even pray anymore. All I do every night is thinking about the past, What am is going to happen the next day, and if I’m going to kill myself.
Don’t u hate being lost not literally like when it seems like mostly everyone knows what they are doing. All the time I get ask what I’m i going to do when I grow up? I say the samething over and over I don’t know yet. But what I really want to say is ” Cant u see I’m not going to do shit with my life n if do decide to do something it won’t be now I just going to high school not college.” But as I get up today I thought maybe I should live to make camps all over the world were suicidal people could come n enjoy something. Help us to look forward to stuff n help each other out with our problems. But I said never going to happen I’m 14 I don’t think I will even make it to that so I’m back to say to myself I’m not going to do shit. One more event can be the cataylst to end my life.
right now I want to die n can’t sleep to stop thinking but now I have thought bout it were all scared of wat we are cable of killing ourself everyone is waiting for a sign or someone to pull them out of da darkness if dat wasn’t da case we wouldn’t have been on dis sight we would have already killed ourselfs but everyone is still scared wanting to enjoy da world like most people do. Or waiting for something to happen to push u over the edge and finally kill ourselfs making sure we have a good reason for our own death. We ask ourselfs each day why I’m I still here but we still go on hurting n bringing everything thing in our path down. Why is that I am only 14 and I am wondering why do I feel like this? Most 14 year olds r excited about going to high school have the little crushes and stuff. But me i don’t care if I go to high school and u want to know who my crushes are right now drugs n I am plan on getting them. I want all the hard drugs n achohol that can knock me make me feel happy for once make me feel normal. I guess that’s not the way to go about it finding happiness o well I tried smiling when I am around people most of them I don’t even like including family. I rather be by myself so I won’t have to get excited to pretend to be happy for someone when I really don’t a fuck but I still do it to make them have there moments. I keeping wondering when am I going to have my moment.
Everyday i am reminded that i am ugly and i hate it the best compliments i can have is your starting to get pretty or stop pushing your mouth your just making yourself look more ugly. I was called the most ugliest girl out of my class. One time a little boy stop in the middle of the streets once he got a look of my face he looked scared like if i was a monster or something. Once it was me and my friend she asked her sister and brother if they think i am pretty out of no where she asked them they shook their head no. Also i was compared to many things a dog i was called a thing i was even called shrek i dont think i am green. Boy just look at me in disgust and when i catch someone in surprise they would make this disgusting sound once they see my face. I almost everyday i am told that i will grow up to have no one but cats to live with. I hate being reminded everyday that i am ugly just another reason why i want to die. I just pretend that i am happy and all the comments dont bother me and put on a smile maybe one day if i dont get push to the edge and decided not to end my life maybe i will be happy.
As for now i just got to keep pretending that i am happy and hoping one day before its to late i will be happy right now i will contiune to hurt.
This morning i got up ready to kill myself because i had enough. I got my brother ready and waited until my father took him to the daycare. After they left i went straight to the expired pills i have for about two years now in my cabinet and got a glass of water. I decided at one point to mix three different kinds of expired pills then throw them into the water so it will become less hard when i take it and easy to swallow so i can just get it over with. I started to drink some, i was in the living room and though that my brother and father would find me before my mother does and my brother which is 1 year old will come and hit me to wake up, and i couldn’t put that pain on him he’s just one year old finding his 13 year old sister dead not waking up to play with him. So i decided to stop drinking and start thinking of people i know that can help me. Instead i dump the rest of the pills and water down the toilet and put the cup in a bag to throw it in a public trash can. Then i got ready for school, the whole way there my hand was shaking thinking of all the possible ways i can injure or kill myself . I guess i had no will yet as usual i put a smile on my face and pretended that i was happy which am really good at only one time today i really laughed at something the rest was just me laughing to sound happy.
i read all the comments i got they were helpful ( no im not going to say u don”t understand) i got two best friends who i recently told about my suicidal thoughts but not the cutting or why i have these thoughts because idk even know why but i do know why i feel like this. They look at me differently now and i cant take that if i get help and the people around me knows they will treat me differently and that’s hard when you like being by yourself. Im fine with most people treating me like im nothing because thats what i think of myself and im fine with them treating me like im something they have to be around because of my best friends. I as sick as it is im ok with that because thats all i think of myself. One time i though of running away to a lake or something and handcuff myself to the bottom until i drown but some how i wake up every morning hating myself thinking of ways to die and have to go to school and put a smile on my face as if everything is fine and coming home crying in my room of failure and the sicko i am for hating myself. Maybe someday i will get help or it might be to late i might just explored with keeping most things inside and a secret as for now until i convince myself that i can be that resilient person i will go like i always do smile on the outside but teared up on the inside.