There are these kind of memories that I have that I try to avoid thinking about by all means, because they give me this extreme anxiety that just comes out of nowhere, that makes me want to scream, to run away as fast as I can. Things that I said or did that seem so utterly stupid and cringe-worthy. It’s certainly not normal that it pushes me into this panic mode, in fact it’s far from it. I literally start whistling or humming as soon as a memory like that comes to mind so that I can somehow distract myself from it as quickly as […]
but I don’t know where to go.
And I keep hating myself, but somehow am not banned yet, am I. Someone in management is going to be fired for not doing their job..
Every damn night now I have this extreme anxiety and my thoughts just keep racing and racing. And I know tomorrow night is going to be the very same way, and the night after that, and after that, and there’s no reason to think that anything would change anytime soon. How am I even supposed to cope with this? It’s starting to ruin my days too, because all I can think about when the sun is up is how it’s going to be when it isn’t.
I just lay there in bed, or pace around the apartment, and all that’s keeping me from losing my mind […]
I hate moments where all of them fail and you’re desperately trying to come up with new ones, but just can’t think of anything. I freaking need a hug.
is the kind of question that one literally cannot answer appropriately. Lying is one option, but it’s really only viable with people that don’t mean anything to you. Not lying is the other, but it reveals a lot about yourself, and annoys people when you do it too often. They just don’t want to be bothered, even close family.
There does exist a third option, namely pointing out this very dilemma to the person that’s asking, in the hopes that they will accept such a non-answer. But in the end it really is no different from the second one, since you do expose your state of […]
If it were, I could take it now and end it, without having to worry about anything. But I can’t. The thought of my loved ones suffering because of me is unbearable, so much so that I literally cannot do it. My conscience just prevents it, it gives me even more pain at the imagination of them mourning than I was feeling before, regardless of how bad I was actually feeling then.
I don’t know if there will ever be a time that this changes, but right now I can’t see that happening, and so my life is not just mine, but it is theirs, and […]
I’ve been using this app for the past year or so that lets you communicate anonymously with people in your city (mostly other students around my age), and I was on it almost every single night for at least an hour, because I could talk about things, good and bad, and people would listen that basically lived just around the corner. It made me feel less alone, even though it technically didn’t really change anything. It has become routine for me to chat on there at night before going to bed, ever since my breakup, because at night I tend to feel the most alone.
I have a hard time accepting myself unconditionally, just for who I am. It is ironic, because it feels way easier accepting others for who they are, viewing their mistakes with lenience, cheering them up when they have self-doubts. I just cannot do it for myself, I need others to do it for me, or else my sense of self-worth drops to negative infinity, like I am only worth what I am worth to others.
My attempt at an explanation for this goes back to my childhood, in particular my relationships to my parents and my peer group. Neither of them (my reasoning goes) gave me […]
I stayed in a mental hospital for 6 weeks, and it definitely was one of the better longer stretches of time of my last 12 months or so. Ironically, the different kinds of therapy there weren’t even the major reason for why it was such a good experience for me, but rather two other things: That I was in a new environment and out of my apartment, and that I was around other people 24/7, in particular people that were going through similar problems as myself.
I guess it’s not that surprising that people going through really hard times in general are more accepting of the […]
Before I kill myself I’d want to spend it on something really stupid and wasteful, because what does it matter anyway. Do something that I’ve always wanted to do, whatever that is.
The thing is, if I ever end up taking my life, in all likelihood it is going to be an impulsive decision that I take at a moment when I am very emotional and have some sort of panic or anxiety attack, and when ending that pain is all that matters. If I were to wait or plan ahead, I’d almost certainly change my mind, because once I calm down, thinking about what it’d […]
is a relieving thought. Not because I want them to be sad, to feel pain over my loss. In fact, I’d very much prefer if no one was hurt by my suicide, and it is one of the main reasons why I haven’t done it yet.
I’ve barely felt any empathy from another human being for so long now, it literally hurts in my chest when I think about it. The thought of someone crying over me is soothing, because the mere image of that makes me believe that I am not irrelevant to them, that they do care about me. It makes me feel less […]
It’s the same every year.
December is like the calm before the storm, where depression is bearable, but I can feel things are about to go downhill pretty soon. There’s a lot of distraction, from Christmas shopping to family visits. At least in principle I do like this time of year, without depression hanging over my head that is.
January is when it hits me full broadside. I always stay with my family from Christmas Eve until just after New Year, and when I go back to my place the drastic change makes me realize what I suppressed before: That winter-depression is here. Usually my sleeping schedule […]
I have this therapy group that I go to once a week, and it’s called a “selfworth-group” because it is supposed to help people who lack a proper sense of selfworth, i.e. people with low self-esteem, people who are self-conscious, etc. We’re currently six members, and during a meeting we usually do some kind of exercise, sit in a circle and talk about ourselves, or just listen to the psychologist explain concepts of selfworth.
What I did learn through that group, what I realized more than I did before, is that I am hugely dependent on other people’s reactions and conscious and unconscious feedback towards me. […]
When I look at pictures of us, I don’t even recognize the face I see there anymore. Was that really me once? He seems content, at peace, happy even. He smiles, genuinely. He is okay with how things are, good and bad. He is okay with how he is, he knows what he’s worth, and knows his place in this world.
Seeing myself like that is weird. It feels so unimaginable, there’s just no way I was that person once. Seems way more likely someone photoshopped those pictures. I am as far away from whoever he is both in the past and in the future as […]
When I think back to the time after the breakup, I get scared, really scared. I never ever want to have to go through that again. The panic, the endless hatred of people that were hurting her, the urge to do something but the inability to actually do anything, having to watch while my world was falling to pieces, this constant sensation like I was being choked, crying and blasting my ears with Linkin Park, begging again and again that the world would finally let me die.
At every moment back then I was scared of the next hour, the next day, because I knew things […]
The question is, can I live without that dream? Can I stay the solitary being that I am now, for as long as my life will last? Can I accept myself as the person I would then be?
I would have to lie to myself, and tell myself everytime I see a happy family that I never wanted that anyway, that what I have is better and that my decision to give up on it was reasonable. That, or I distance myself from other people so much that I never get to witness them like that, although I doubt I could even manage to do that.
It is hard to keep the balance between depression and sadness on the one side and anxiety and restlessness on the other. Both feel like shit, but it gets way worse if I get too much of one for too long a period of time.
The former makes me lose interest in things, makes me not give a shit about what happens in my life, stops me from fighting to get better, and if that stays for too long I lose the few things in my life that still give me some kind of meaning; university, and the hope that one day I will have a […]
No matter how long I can go without feeling depressed, without anxiety and panic attacks, what I know for sure is that it’ll be there again. Doesn’t matter what I do or how I feel; that’s a constant that has existed in my life for as long as I can remember.
I am not the same person I used to be anymore. I am not strong anymore, I get depressed and cry over stupid things that I should just get over. I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy. I have no focus to work anymore. I feel jealous and envious about everything that other people manage better than me. I hate people. I am proud and arrogant. I hate who I am now, I don’t want to be this person. I don’t love myself anymore.