I think I will start posting everyday that my depression acts up.
Ive been depressed since I was 3 years old on and off. It’s really quite odd though to think of a depressed three year old. Lately I’ve been getting worse though. I thought I had been cured of my depression for a while because I hadn’t felt it there. I think the reason I’m feeling depressed is because I stopped taking my antidepressants for a few days…. I know, not a smart choice.
Im gonna see my therapist at one o’clock today.
I haven’t seriously thought of suicide. I’ve cut myself quite badly though. The wounds are healing up nicely though. I’ve thought about how everyone would be better off without me. How I’ve ruined my family. I don’t deserve any of the people in my life because they are too good for me. I’ve thought of breaking up with my boyfriend because I love him so much that I know that losing him would surely kill me. He is too cleaver for that though. He would figure out that I’m sad again and try to help me. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I love him more than anything, he is the only reason im alive. Lately ive been wishing he would break up with me, ive tried to break up with him before but it never works, we both end up in tears and telling each other how much we love each other.The reason i wish we would break up is that i want to kill myself. i know i can not kill myself if he is in my life and still loves me. I wish i could just commit suicide and get it over with but i dont. I don’t want help anymore. I’ve tried to kill myself several times… Too many to count…. And I usually will end up in the pyhc unit at the hospital, costing my parents a small fortune (I’m 17). If I fail to kill myself I wouldn’t be able to cope with the consequences. That is why I am too scared to kill myself. I’m pathetic. I wish death on no one. I feel that people who are suicidal need help and can be helped. But I’m the outlier. I’m the exception to the rule. I can’t be helped anymore. I’m to scared to self harm too. I’m scared I will cut too deep and need stitches or get an infection. I don’t know what to do. I need help but I don’t want it. God I’m such a fuck up.