i cant its getting too much i want to finish now ill stall
another rock bottom after crest and trough, conscious choices and emotional choices still kinda confused despite knowing feeling hazy and hit hard unfairly a lot of times, used to think of just delays but now just laying on the ground motionless but also feeling like a rat in a rattrap , knowing rat is outside the rattrap, that hazy disillusioned confusion offered by time alone and pain associated with the same, freedom and desperation and hope in a paradoxical circle. god this is too much. not to add the figurative nightmares at night. and yeah some kind of new i dunno pain in my ribs , and inaction , not being able to move like my whole body is motorile, and wanna donno do im already causing self harm in milder degrees, wanting to have the courage to take it to neck and not wanting to knowing could be better, that oscillation of shit i cant explain taking control of my life. my metaphorical emotional bonds taking a toll. goodness its fuzzy when it most definitely shouldnt be. sad.
For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or
maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time
and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.
funny entities with no strings attached no purpose or meaning to it – life and death
Power through,dredge through is boring.Everything in life is boring.Nothing has meaning or significance nowadays.There is an overwhelming feeling of nothingness which i cant put my finger on.Its just so bland. I dont even know y i should live.Ppl trying to support me or either hypocrites,manipulators,or who i perched on to on a mental construct sort of way to actually find a perch on. I dont think contrary to popular perceptions, any new entity , enviornment wise or barter wise or human wise will ever work , there is emptiness and cynicism and anger and i dont know i feel disable , just like the cup near my lip being taken away and fates laughing at me with mirth which is getting worser than ever. im scared.
I am new to this forum. And despite the anonymity,thanks to innocuous cynicism and paranoia being fed right from childhood,ill keep my story cryptic . Y does some denial despite denial of the denial or perception of the denial as redirection haunt for life…And when life gets through by the throat haunts life or worse looms large or looms subtle to penetrate and compulse or sometimes its just deserved so casually a privilege, which is denied outrageously because of no fault of yours eventually forcing to take the blame and cause obnoxious scandals which could ruin an already existing or non existing life.
Y beyond all the careful cautious steps,should there lie caverns to swallow and digest so there are no traces in vicinity of anything to belong to the self and the worse part is despite comparison being a derailment , comparitive lethargic jerkdom are proferred rights to derision when for the alternate troop, active steps are forced to passivity and induced lethargy despite crawl outs and heave outs.
Troupes that life is unfair,reward and punishment disparities,suffering disparities,survival disparities, be reality denied or vigilante negativity denied, either way even when denial doesnt extend a ray to life, life is scary.