My only wish is that my best friend were still here or at least the universe would let take me back a year ago.
I’m stuck waiting out the pandemic. I know I have the privilege to stay in my home compared to others who has to risk their life to work and have money to purchase basic necessities. And here I am feeling depress and reminiscing all the fucking negative thing that happened to me this year. Now it’s not just me who is cursed. Perhaps, if I perish everything would go well. Self-centred right?
I’m just me … tired and depressed
I didn’t expect that the earning I got after 4 years of writing stories and campaigns for videogame developing would be expend for my recovery with the uncertainty of my betterment.
Fuck… Got robbed… By my own weak-willed mind
I saw her clearly with my blurred two eyes… It fucking hurts… how the hell could she do nothing or act like nothing is happening infront of her eyes, to let me suffer like this?
Then, I told our debate adviser that I would be withdrawing from the debate as my psychiatrist had told me.
To add up to my depression, I didn’t do anything to help my council in preparing for the university days and I feel so awful and useless. However, I also felt good, I love how I could do things whenever I want or do things without giving much effort.
Also, I met with Mr. X (psychiatrist) today and like the other day, I don’t know what to make of this.
2 days ago at 8am I asked my 2nd subject teacher to excused me in his class for me to visit our guidance counselor. Well… it’s no longer hard for me to talk about what happened and about me being depressed and all. So we talked for an hour about my problems and she gave her input. And like all conversation to soothe or attempt to comfort me didn’t reach me.
After class, I went to see my first ever visit to a psychiatrist. I’ll just call him Mr. X and I don’t have any reason to why. Anyway, I discussed the things that happened and after hearing me out he suggested some methods and things that could help me. Among his many suggestions, I chose the used of hypnotherapy for a hefty price, and I didn’t mind as long as I could leave this lugubrious reality.
Today, it was tough acting okay and happy. All in order to not make people around worry about me. ‘Cause they’re really wasting their time for me…
Although, I can’t deny that I’m touched by their concern.
Just like any other day… I spent more time studying and reading. Maybe the only unusual thing I did today was visit and take a look at a local book store. I was hoping I could find some books of Joy Chambers. Although, I did not find what I was searching for. I unearthed some good books and hid them in a corner where I could buy them when I’m able to.
Well, I’m still thinking whether I would really go for the hypnotherapy.
He mentioned that I will change, that I will forget some things for a side effect. Anyway, a part of me is not afraid to lose things anymore.
I give my all every day, but it’s getting to be too much. It feels like I’m being driven into a corner, and it just keep getting worse and worse. Still, I have no choice but to struggle on and fulfill one more promise. The only other option… is to admit defeat.
I’m really tired like every small thing requires a lot of effort especially after receiving my friend’s last letter… The day after, I told my subordinates that I’ll be quitting and leave completely, but people asked me not to and they’ll handle the council activities and duties while I take the time all I need to heal. But, it is still up to me if I will completely leave.
My long rest away from being the chairman of the council starts next week yet half of me is glad and another is disagreeing of the idea of leaving the council. Until when?? I’m not even sure if I will be coming back.
But 3 days after telling them… Today, I smiled and laugh, genuinely after staying and witnessing a segment that isn’t part of the program that probably made the whole night of the program of the university student council breathtaking and memorable.
It made me realized that maybe if I stay and continue doing whatever I’m doing right now. I might just get my own happy ending, or will I?
But even if I end up in a good situation or being happy, I’ll still mourn for you my dearly friend. I’ll never forget you.
Today, I find it very peculiar for me to open up myself to people that I don’t really expect that the words that I need to hear would be coming from them. I discussed it to my organization adviser, the school Dean, and the person that I didn’t really like…
Yet the words that I needed to hear came from them with sincerity and assurance… They assured to me that they don’t mean to invalidate of what I’m feeling… That whatever happens to me is still my own choosing. And somehow I feel better.
Still… I can’t believed that she’s gone and I’m here still standing. I still am feeling sad and guilty. Guilty of being able to do more for her but I wasn’t able to. Even though I want to cling to her last words for me to live for her and always do my best is too difficult for me now. The emotion and shock is just too heavy for me to bear now. It left a hole in me and will definitely leave a scar.
I believe that this is a perfect situation for me to become strong again and become another hope and inspiration to someone… And this time I’ll do better.
The terrible thing that my mind and gut been telling me finally happened…
I lost… I lost a huge part of myself after receiving her letter yesterday… her one last farewell and confession…
I was not even able to say or do anything… or to reply to her feelings properly…
I failed as her best friend.
I failed as a psych student.
I failed as a person.
I failed as her hero.
I failed the only person who might only be the one who believed in me and at the same understood me…
Now… I feel nothing except the throbbing and aching pain and chaos that is rapidly surging throughout my body; veins that could burst at any moment; heart that could fail; the sane mind into madness; and my soul that is now truly damned and irreparable.
I’m now nothing but a walking corpse…
IF, I’m really sorry… I failed you…
Just like any other previous days, I still don’t feel any changes in my mental health except I’m falling deep into despair..
All I did today was study the whole day and played my all-time favourite online game in which I have no other choice instead of doing nothing and feeling depressed. Then, a friend of mine messaged me about my mental health and told him that it’s worst and I stupendously told him that I don’t want to talk about it. Yet this is what I’ve been asking for… And now someone took noticed but I guess it’s too late for that – I’m beyond saving.
One more thing were the school activities that are required to be submitted on Monday.
So nothing… I feel nothing today except the despair crawling under my skin, and later I’ll just silently drown in my tears again.
Today, exactly at midnight till morning I had a drinking session with my so called friends. I was really waiting for this moment to come in which I could strongly admit that I’m not okay and tell the reasons in hope that they would understand.
However, all of that didn’t happen not even one, a false hope. As mentioned, I had hoped that someone would understand me and let me hear the words that would eventually save me… but no… because even my parents don’t. They confidently said that I chose wrong, that my desire to become more will only breed problems. I told them that I’m tired of being mocked, thrown or pushed away… I’m exhausted of doing things alone… I’m terrified of people I love leaving me.
I told them that everything that I have been doing or acting for the past few weeks was an effort of mine, hinting or giving clues that I am definitely not okay, but again no one noticed or no one bothered to. ‘Cause maybe people had always perceived me as a strong person that helps those who suffers, but now that I’m the one in agony… I got no one.
Perhaps it’s my fault in the first place… maybe if I have been more accepting towards my feelings and more opened to people about it… then maybe.
What a night…
No definitely not a good night, well if it did I wouldn’t be posting it here or even be here… But it feels like I was always end up here one way or another. I could confidently say that good no longer exist in my life. Especially tonight, a usual night where we would go out for dinner, but they didn’t… they didn’t see their child – me worn down and torn. Suffering from something that could never be resolve.
I’ve been deliberately giving hints and clues around me like the music I listen, the way I behaved, and the things I post or share in my FB, and still they don’t really care or they just don’t bother to. Even my so called friends… No one did, and this time. I’m sure I willl not be able to save myself this time.
Please someone or something… Save me from myself, save me from being devoured and enthralled by my own frightening mind.
I’m really tired of losing… Tired of feeling the weight of my failures and more than that is losing my friend… I don’t know how to get back up from these things…
I just wanna bleed out and die… Will my suffering end there???