Well looks like I’m back, you can never truly escape depression. Its just a horrible thing. It clings onto you and hides until it feels like striking sometimes it never goes away. I guess mine never went away. It’s amazing. I’m 15 now. Been a while since I’ve been on here. Ha.
Anyone who needs somebody there for them, I am here for you so kik me @boricua_loca23, Anytime I am here. I don’t judge and I will be here for support, help, venting anything! So if anyone needs me or just someone in there life, in there corner, I’m here.
I just don’t get life. I try to change myself to make me feel better and the people around but it only lasts for such a long time. I broke up with my boyfriend so he could do better but apparently he needs the support from someone because he’s a dependent person. And I am not. I just don’t get how he gets mad every single time I meet some new guy or something, I’m always telling him that I love him and I try to show it as much as I possibly can but it just doesn’t seem to work. And I’ve told him I only want him and that I love him and he loves me too, there’s not doubt in my mind that he loves me. He tells me he’s in love with me and I love him very much but I just don’t know. He tells me he wants a future with me and of course that’s what anyone wants to hear but I’m not ready for that. He’s my first real boyfriend, well was, and I haven’t had anyone else. I tell him that I don’t want anyone else, but there’s this damn part of me that does and he told me that he wants me to “test the waters”. I feel like I should to get the feel of that but then he gets mad. And he tells me that he’s not over his ex, well he still likes her. And I tell him that if you love a person you’re not supposed to “like” or “love” somebody else. I keep telling him to go back to her and finish with her but he doesn’t and he say he thinks that I tell him this so I can get a different bf. I am single, but I don’t want anyone else. I just don’t understand it, nobody can ever be happy with whatever change I try to make in order to benefit them! Not only is my “change” for me, it’s for people around me. And I don’t get if I’m right or wrong. I just don’t get this fuckery of life and I hate to say that I hate living, because it’s supposed to be a super fun experience, I mean you’re living! Breathing, Moving. Be happy right? People tell me that all the time. “Why are you so sad all time just get over it” but the thing is, What if I don’t want to live and breathe and move anymore. What if I’m finished with it all. Then I won’t have to change, then I won’t have to argue with my ex all the time, then I can truly begin to live. I can finally be me.
If you ever need someone to talk to, or vent or anything please come and talk to me on kik: boricua_loca23, If you need a friend, talk to me. If you need acceptance I’m right here. If you’re gay, bisexual,transgender, if you drink, or smoke, or anything. Talk to me I do not judge. I’m here whenever. For anything. Please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m here for you.
She’s proud of herself but she won’t tell you why
It has now been a month since she’s last even tried.
The voices won’t stop but today she’s won
She put down her razor and put down her gun.
After hours of thinking silently to herself
She goes and picks up her old friend off the shelf.
Overwhelmed with emotions she picks up her blades
and disposed of the evil that would send her to the grave.
So for the first time in awhile her lips crack a smile
It won’t be easy but in the end worthwhile.
Her cuts will turn to scars and those scars will fade.
But this makes her feel stronger no longer afraid.
With a smile on her face as she looks at her arm
She’s defeating the evil we call self harm.
Being Alone In Bliss
You know the first thing i thought of when i held the household cleaner. Drink It. End it now. Finish it off. The first thing i thought of when i opened the cabinet above the sink, grab a razor; end it. I want to die so bad all i do is fuck things up. All i do is cause trouble and pain. Idk if anyone knows how i’m feeling right now. I want to leave my body. I want no use of my soul. I want to be dead. I’m in my closet crying alone. No one knows how i’m feeling rigt now. Not only because they can’t see me, but because no one will know. I dont care how many times i laugh or smile. I dont want to feel anymore. I deny food to the fullest. I just. I’m not hungry leave me to be. I’m in a state of my own self hate. Happiness is Imaginary.
*This is like 3 weeks old.
The thing I really don’t understand is why certain people on this planet have the indecency to bring other people down. Whether it be there music choice or fashion sense or whatever you can judge on. Believe me when I say i’ve been bullied but i’m not to sad or upset by it because those people that bullied me made me hold my head up a little higher. You will not kick me down because while your over there talking about me and getting these nasty ugly rumors out of your mouth just know that i’m not worried about a damn thing you have to say about me or my music choice or my fashion sense. And for people who say society sucks , WE ARE SOCIETY did you forget that? Remember you can be the most beautiful person on the planet but if your heart and mind are ugly , so are you. A pretty face doesn’t mean a pretty heart. On that note, ou may talk about me all you want, just remember that i’m here in my own happy place not worried about you, while you calculate every miatake and fuck-up i have, Thanks For Worrying about me though. ALSO, you have no idea what kind of demons are killing people on the inside, even white roses have black shadows.
I would like to inform every lost soul on this website that there is hope. I haven’t concord my depression or anything, I know it’ll be back sooner or later but right now in this very moment I can say I’m glad I didn’t kill myself. The scars are there but you know what? I like my scars , they show me that in a point and time of my existence I didn’t want to live and it makes me feel a hell of a lot better that I could figure that out. I am aware that I’ll be on here in like a month or so saying how sad I am but it’s all in a days work. It happens and will continue to happen. But right now I’m in pure bliss not happiness but relaxation. The fact that the blade can’t control me or the voices is something that I like and I will continue to like. Like I’ve said before, kik me if you want to talk or vent , I don’t judge about anything and I’ll be here always. Thanks for Listening
Never thought that I would be on here again but I guess I just need to vent. My grade is shit in math, my teacher treats me like crap btw but I get it at home too. This whole week I’ve been treated likes hit and I’m sick of it, I’ve been called names pushed and lied to throughout this week. If you cross be over don’t come back. If you have something to say , say it to my face direct contact please. And family , my dear family, LEAVE ME ALONE I don’t know if you guys know the concept of alone or space, but that’s what the fuck I need. Fuck it all. I can end it all tonight.
As to anyone if you need to talk, vent, yell, say anything and everything. Kik me boricua_loca23. I will not judge you nor anything you need to talking about. Please if you want to talk. Don’t be shy or scared I’m just here if you need someone.
Once again as the time ticks on my parents ask if I’m okay.
You want the truth mom I’m not okay far from it but thanks for trying.
Dad: do I even call you dad anymore? You want the truth too!? I hate you I never thought I’d get here but bam! Life proves me wrong. Why do I hate you? Your an insufferable, arrogant, asshole that I’ve hated since I was 10, 3 years! This hate has grown stronger. You yell and make me feel worthless, you say all this bullshit about me like you mean it all but you fucking don’t. You know you don’t. Why lie to me and yourself? It’s too fucking late to be my friend my, “my dad”. So fuck you dad of mine. When you grow old I won’t shed a tear and I promise you that.
I ask a simple question and expect a simple answer,
but no I get yelling and arguing back.
I tell you something important,
and you blow it off like you’ve heard it before.
I cry about the biggest and smallest things,
and you treat my tears like shit.
I dream about the greatest things in life,
only for you to be the nightmare when I wake up.
Go to sleep and close your eyes,
and dream of broken butterflies,
that tore there wings against a thorn,
you know the pain that they have bourne.
Sliver metal shine so bright,
scarlet blood that feels so right,
dream of blood trickling down,
and wake up before you drown.
The moonlight shining off your tears,
as you bleed out your worst fears,
so tonight when you start to cry ,
whisper the cutters lullaby:
Hushabye baby , your almost dead,
you don’t have a pulse and your pillow is red,
your family hates you, your friends let you bleed,
sleep tight with a knife cause that’s all that you’ll need.
Rockabye baby, broken and scarred,
you didn’t know that life would be this hard,
time to end the pain that you hid so well,
so down you go baby
straight back to hell.
As I contemplate this thing called life I can’t help but get Sad, Furious, and frustrated. Why would anyone put me on this planet let alone birth me. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE does anyone understand. Cause if you do thats great. I’m pissed off and unstable with emotion right now so I put into my writing. I don’t want anyone knowing my secret. Although plenty do so why not just say it, the world knows anyways. Everyone knows everything because that’s how it is.
This world is not hell. hell is something we walk around with all our lives. It’s basically in my back pocket everyday of my life and the more I talk about/think it. The more it seems true. I want to die I really do, but I know if I don’t stay there will be things I’ll miss out on. So before I die I want to do everything I’ve never done. I’m not invincible or unstoppable but I “stay strong” to survive this world. I think the worst thing in life is when your realize how alone you really are. I feel like such a disappointment to the world all the time, I feel that I could do better in everything I do.
How many times have you heard “Be Happy” or “Smile More” , “Are you okay?”, “You Seem Sad…”, “Is Something Wrong”, “I’m here for you when you need me”. cause for me it’s a shit ton. And my only answers “I am”, “I do *smiles*”, “I’m good *smiles*”, “Happier then ever *smiles*”Not at all everything perfect *smiles*”, “Ill keep that in mind *smiles*” ;we haven’t talked since like 2nd grade chick.
Although you may think of me
as a Suicidal Teen. I don’t think of myself like that.
I think of myself as trying to be saved cause I know there’s still that
one slither of hope.
So next time you see me know I’m really trying here,
and not just letting my fears win ; there pretty damn close to
overcoming me if I do say so myself.
If life is just a game and it’s not fair,
why don’t you sit and stare
at the knife you have lodged in my back,
while your mind still screams “Attack Attack”
So today I found out that I’m failing a class. I’m so disappointed and ashamed in myself cause I used to be the girl in the front of the room telling you the answer to problem 7 and earning good grades. Now I’m the girl in the back of the class room asking you for the answer to number 7 and receiving bad grades. I get told constantly that I could do better , but when I try my best can still get improvement.
I get told to ask the teacher for help but I don’t want to. 1. Because I feel dumb and ashamed, and 2. Because I feel like I can’t get the help. I just wanna be myself again!
-Major Help Wanted.
I’m afraid to ask so I don’t instead
I’m afraid to walk, get out of bed.
I’m afraid to soar right through the sky
cause suicide is my kryptonite.
I’m afraid to tell you that I love you so
cause if I do I’m sure you’ll go.
I’m afraid that if I tell you something
you’ll treat that secret like its nothing.
I’m afraid of a lot but with fear
What do you do when you’re ready to go, but don’t want to at the same time?
What do you do when everyone you’ve ever had love for, turns that love into the hate you have for then today?
What do you say when the person you want to love forever, doesn’t love you back?
What do you do when you want to love, but all you’ve felt was hate?
One day in the middle of class
while everyone was working,
my eyes filled with tears
because I knew
they were thinking about
or after school
but all I could think of
was how much I’d rather
be at the top of a building
about to jump