I’ve settled with the day Im going to do it.
My 20th birthday in September.
Absolutely fool proof.
Now I have 9 months to raise the courage.
UPDATE: I drove off the road today. Stopped myself tho.
Have I mentioned i fucking hate myself. Met a guy that was perfect. Had a wild mood swing where I conviced myself everyone was better without me and I broke up with him. Turns out he doesn’t feel like coming back-ofcourse not, Im a psycho.
Having a strong urge to poor bleach over my fresh cuts. Punishment seems rational right now.
Have i mentioned – I fucking hate myself.
Okay, so I saw a new nurse. I quickly hated her as I do new people. I didn’t exactly trust her, and I hate that she judges me whilst simultaneously knowing that she has to in order to figure out what went so wrong I tried to kill myself. She said some things that had me (admittedly, wrongly) fuming. For example, “when you anticipate a down, you make the down happen”. ‘So it’s my fault’ I thought. She doesn’t think I have Bipolar Disorder, she mentioned anti depressants and ‘Emotional Dysregulation’ which, if severe enough is basically Borderline Personality Disorder. We’re starting Distress Tolerance Therapy which is used for BPD and PTSD clients.
Truthfully, I was pissed that she could meet me once and assume I’m some over reactive, moody child. I couldn’t sleep thinking she thought that about me AND I’d have to see her again. But then I looked up the symptoms. And if I was honest with myself, it made sense. I just hate having to accept the bad bits about me, after all, I don’t act out all the time. However, actions or not, the feelings that I have are still making me feel like shit, and maybe if I have BPD the feelings don’t even need to be there.
It means accepting I’m not always the calm, studious and fun loving, adventurous person I think I am. It means I’m quietly fuming and trying not to let it out because I know I shouldn’t be angry. It means accepting that I fall out with my friends too often if I’m not the centre of attention. It means I still have serious abandonment issues that I try to bury and it means I’m incredibly impulsive.
I resonated a lot with the idea of ’emptiness’. I tell people a lot that I feel bored with life or myself, that I can’t really figure out what exactly would make me happy. Sometimes I don’t feel like a person, I feel like a stranger that no one can understand. I change my mind a lot. Especially about my future. ‘I want to go to University to study Physics. I’m crap at Physics. I want to study English but I hate essays. I’m great at essays, English it is. But I love Physics. What about Maths? To be honest, I dont even want to go to Uni, I’ve always wanted to be a police officer. But I couldnt be a police officer but Ive always like animals.’ And then it goes back to Uni. I’m even more cofused about career prospects.
My friends and family have basically gotten used to my impulsive actions. How I change my mind. How I bought the car because I felt bored. How spending money makes me happy. How I binge eat. How I fall in love with a guy because he looks at me. How I hate the guy because he looks at me. Those things can be funny, or just my personality. But the more serious things are harder to ignore. I think I shield my friends from it by keeping them at a distance. I don’t tell them about my personal life, and I rarely express any annoyance because it escalates too much. But my fosterparents and other family members see it. Me yelling to be left alone, and then crying because I’m lonely. My need to control; worries that I’m going to be left, or abandoned. Actions to push people away. A self-fulfilling prophecy. Whilst I have gotten better, I don’t act out .. as much.. its still there. I still shake with anger at times, despite feeling like a relatively non-angry person. For example, a teacher was 15 minutes late th’e other week for a study session and I left angrily and almost in tears. It quickly passed.
Whilst I think I’m overcomplicating it at times, I’m just a sensitive and anxious person. Or I’m just depressed, I also recognise a irrational, ‘walk on eggshells’ annoying part of myself that leaves me and others extremely tired. Mood swings that I perhaps misinterpreted as Bipolar. Small fights escalating into me needing to leave in order to not be left. My suicidal tendencies because I can’t handle the rollercoaster at times. I’ve always been called sensitive and sometimes I wonder if I’m allowed to feel the way I do. Was killing myself even justified? Not as justified as a normal depressed person I guess.
I can be moody, judgemental and hard to get to know. I’m constantly terrified of scaring people away. Whilst I love my friends and family, and cry at every soppy movie I find it very difficult to empathise with issues that friends tell me about because ‘theyre not as big as mine’. . I feel guilty about some of my reactions. And angry that sometimes its not my fault. I don’t want my issues to be an escape goat.
I guess there are some benefits to my personality. I’m loyal and ‘spontaneous’ but I worry that there’s more bad than good. Feeling numb one moment and then overwhelmed with emotions the next. Obsessions that can’t be put aside no matter how many times you try to distract yourself. Sleepless nights with never ending thoughts, and then being so depressed I do nothing but sleep. It feels I’ve had every issue. Every trauma. Self-inflicted and imposed. Body issues that pop up out of nowhere, throwing up, self-harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, foster-care, alcoholics, drug addicts, physical abuse, sexual abuse.. The list goes on and on.
I don’t completely know whats wrong with me. I function well sometimes. I had a really good spell after the counselling with CAMHS. I was told that because I couldn’t technically be diagnosed with a personality disorder, there was time to prevent it ever occurring. But if anything, I feel bad habits creeping in. I’m not an idiot. I know sometimes my thoughts are irrational but at times they feel so true. And attempts from others cement them even more.
I am good at being private, solitary and looking put together from afar. But even my friends know that under the surface there is some serious crap, and I think they feel protected when I don’t share. I would like to be able to let people into the positive parts of me without eventually consuming them in a negative self absorbed wave of problems. I notice my initial relationships begin well, but as I fall apart, they do too.
I don’t want to be dislikeable, in life or in this room. I try not to be. I’m tired of not knowing how to control my feelings. Pushing them away and ignoring them until I cannot cope.
I don’t know what I expected but I feel let down and alone. Life has went on and I’m expected to aswell, no medication, psychiatrist or anyone to turn too. I was given an appointment with adult mental health for two weeks time thinking I would get properly screened, but instead I’ve been given an appointment for a community nurse that I saw briefly when I was 14. No doubt because it’s thought she will know me better. Except, she caused crazy distress with my Foster parents, stayed up in my room for 4 hour sessions until I was exhausted and then eventually it was thought our sessions should end. Plus she will probably still remember my 14 year old self, with no respect for the adult I’ve become. Its humiliating really, to face a dysfunctional nurse after 5 years to admit that I haven’t actually gotten better at coping. I’m going to cancel the appointment.
Honestly think I’m Bipolar. The past few weeks I’ve struggled to get out of bed, go to school or function. I tried to take my life and my only regret was that it didn’t work. Today, besides the annoying spots of irritability when I take my irrational anger out on friends and family, I feel great. How could I ever feel like that? It feels like weeks ago when it was less that 48 hours ago when I considered jumping in front of a car.
Besides having to pick up all the pieces from my non-functional days, I feel like I have so much to live for. I found out yesterday that my birth mother had a baby boy 6 weeks ago, I saw him and love him so much. Being 18 I feel its my responsibility to be there for him.
Have a good day guys!
Sorry for the spams but I feel like this site has been a lifeline the past couple of days, preventing from the overflow of emotions that eventually get me into trouble when I don’t keep my mouth shut. My liver and heart are no longer fucked so I’m heading home, told the doctors I feel fine when in fact I’ve felt like throwing up since 2am but I can throw up at home. Also told them I didn’t have an active plan, which I guess I don’t. Fantasies of jumping of bridges and in front of cars give me some relief that if I had the moment, I could take it. Apart from that I’m dreading seeing my friends and teachers, going to class and pretending to give a shit about exams. Excited to get my razors back though.
Of course I have to reply with yes but I want to say that I don’t. Yes I failed (major screw up) but I don’t feel guilty for taking action against my own life based on my own personal feelings. If anything, being so close to death has made me more desperate for it.
If I do actually succeed one day, then ask me if I regret it.
I can’t even kill myself properly. Severely overdosed on painkillers and alcohol but got to the hospital before passing out. Just had 5 hours of throwing up as punishment afterwards. Its been two days and I’m still in hospital. I feel completely trapped. I’ve tired myself out of any further attempts but I’m dreading going back to my life. Of course, I’ll have to say I’m fine. Freedom to be miserable is still a lot better than a psych ward, especially when my exams start in a month.
I couldn’t get onto this site the day of my attempt. I think if I could have posted I would have felt like my death was announced to the world, an exit justified and at peace. Instead I texted a friend and whilst she ultimately saved my life I still can’t help but feel like it was for nothing. People think after a death scare you should have an instinctual desire to live, but nothing has changed. If anything I’m more of a failure than before.
People don’t really get it. It’s easy for me to put a smile on my face and tell people I’m fine. It just feels like hell dragging myself out of bed to do it. I get stuck in a situation of ‘no, I haven’t left my bed in four days, haven’t showered or eaten a decent meal but yes I’m fine, can’t you see the smile on my face?’ Lying is easy. Recently I feel completely unmotivated, numb, bored, tired and solitary. In fact, pretending to be OK is the only real relief. At least then I can feel like I’m worth something, others can believe I’m successful, driven and determined, when I haven’t been that in weeks.
People get confused by that though. They expect the façade to have dropped a month ago when morning’s became the real nightmare, or a month before that when I began to self-harm again. They expect failed attempts to smile through tears, public displays of despair. They don’t expect the sudden announcement that I don’t want to continue anymore.
I know I’m living a contradiction. I wake up with the promise I can eventually go back to sleep. I sit through class unable to concentrate and counting down the singular minutes until the bell rings. I talk to my friends in the hope that I’ll find something genuinely funny and sound a convincing laugh. The internal effort no one sees and now I’m scared I’ll piss people off when they see the cracks. I’ve led people on. Given them a false sense of security, a trust in my well being, permission to believe in me. I gave the impression I was on the other side, they’ve placed their bets, but I’ve been secretly losing the battle and now their investment in me has gone to waste.
I tell them, I don’t want to talk to anybody, see my friends or get out of bed. It seems hypocritical then when I go out to parties, or friends houses and have a good time because I’ve taken six shots. I don’t want to talk to anybody, see my friends or get out of bed, but I realise that I need people around me, I need to do my schoolwork and I need to appear fine… and so I must do it anyway. For, how many days can I hibernate before people forget my existence? But would it really be such a bad thing?
How do I even prepare for suicide? It seems sucky enough that I’ve killed myself, but I don’t want to leave my family with the hassle of tidying away my stuff (I’m in fostercare so it’ll probably all get dumped so that a new kid can move in).
So I plan on tidying my room, organising my drawers, throwing out/burning diaries, because even after I’m dead, some things are still private. Delete browser history, online accounts. Take out the trash. Clean out my rats cage (I’m going to miss my boys). Is that it?
I would just throw out my stuff but one, someone will notice and two what if I fail.
I’m scared because what if I succeed but what if I fail?
I’ve failed 4 times before. I was living at my granny’s and the first three times just overnight stays in the hospital, psychiatric reviews, avoiding inpatient, then being on watch all.the.time. The fourth time was different though. An ambulance came, 4 days in hospital and then a new fosterhome.
If I fail this time I don’t want to have to move again. That would just make my shitty life 100000000 time worse. And what if I do go to inpatient?!
My life is so fucked up right now.
I AM SO FUCKING TERRIFIED OF WHAT I’M CAPABLE OF.
I really want to die, because there is no other way. My life is turning to crap. But there are people that love me and I love them. And I know, although I’d be dead, that I will miss them. I’m scared that I’m cutting some amazing things short. But a lot of the time anxiety and depression outweigh any rationality.
I planned on doing it tonight, or at latest tomorrow.
I feel sick.
I’m not really sure if this will get a response. I’m just pretty lonely and need to tell someone what I plan to do.
Today I go by Daisy. They’re my favorite flowers. I’m 16, a good student, aiming for straight A’s and A*’s. I have friends, loving siblings, and great foster parents.
But my life is falling apart.
I’m at the point now where I don’t even know what to say or do. I could share my story of foster care and adoption and abuse and mental illness but it’s all been said before.
Anxiety and depression have made me so tired and worn down that I can’t study or get straight As or Bs or Cs. I’m losing my friends because I convince myself that I would rather stay in bed than to talk to them or socialize.
I’ve been low before. I tried multiple suicide attempts when I was 14. For different reasons. But at 14 you have time to recover. You have time to get help or just stay in bed. To embrace help or refuse it. Now at 16, with a month to exams, I have time for neither. I don’t have time to wait for help or to wait to get better. And I don’t have the time to stay in bed and do nothing. So I’m really stuck.
I’ve decided this is it for me. I truly believe that I have no place here. I plan on killing myself. But not in distress, not in haste. I don’t want to rush this. Nothing can go wrong. I want to come to terms with this.
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