Sometimes I wish I had something horrible happen to me just so someone that “loves” me would notice that I am not okay. I’ll thought of the typical poison,cutting,drowning. But now everytime I’m by a road I want to jump infront of it. I’ve even thought o0f how much love and care I would feel if I got cancer. . . I feel selfish and on the right track all at the same time. Am I the only one?
Hm, this is my first time so please bare with me.
I am a young woman just turning 18. I have my group of friends. Active with school. Well liked overall.Â I only have all this because I thought that if I didn’t I would be tortured by the same kids that I try have love me. I live in a small town so everyone thinks they know all about me.
But in all honestly no one knows how fucked up I am.
I claim to stay positive,be strong,be your own person. The sad part is I don’t all the follow that. I’m a hypocrite. Last yearÂ one of my close friends committed suicide. And I’m slightly jealous that he had the balls to do it and I don’t right now.Â This that bad? Oh well.
I just wantÂ to be gone. Its not for attention or for more friends. Its that I feel like I have maxed out on life. I have finished what I needed to do and now its time to stop. I am veryÂ unhappy and don’t to get help because then there will be more stress put on others. I am actually moving from this small town soon and I was think get rid of FB,Twitter,Instagram. Just disappear and no one will notice.
Some will think I am a whinny teen. But let me break it down a bit. I live withÂ my abusive stepfather and my spineless mother. I am just beaten down emotional and sometime physically. My self worth is shit. That probably explains my whorish ways and makeup now. My father is now brain-dead vegetable due to OIF (operation Iraq freedom), Cocaine,And the alcohol.Â Family? Alcoholic,judgemental dicks.With thickass northern accents. No support, just they will help you in the community but as soon as you show a bad name you are BANNED FOR LIFE! Lover/Boyfriend? He well, there was one but he left for military and came home got my hopes up for a happy future.But I guess when he got exactly home I was enough.Friends are not really realÂ for me they are people who I bum a cig off of when I’m broke and when I get kicked out I crash on there couch. Of course I haveÂ two good friends. Their names areÂ Lauren andÂ she is the only thing that keeps me here for now. And Em. She is just as fucked up but doesn’t know how fucked Iam. I am herÂ rock and she is secretly mine. For some reason I refuse to look weak around the society. So I joined this site to weak.Â College? Fucked up in high school. Military,if I can get through all this I will enlist.
But what is weird is that I beg for my opportunity to come for death everyday. EVERYDAY. IÂ just don’t want to steal it. I feel as if mine will not come soon enough. So maybe being a thief won’t be so bad this time.
I just thought someone should know.