I am crying… crying over a girl… I havent cried like this before. I havent cried in a long time. I am crying because… I dont know. Why do I have to love her, she will never love me. I have regressed so much.
Who else enjoys doing the rubiks cube?
Well I wouldnt say I am sad or overwhelmed with grief. I would say I am hollow. Nothing interests me. I used to have this sweet addiction where I would just buy sweets whenever I can, I used to have 3+ teaspoons of sugar in my coffee/tea. Not even sweets interest me anymore. I used to love life, it doesnt interest me anymore. I used to love being awake and now I cant stand it. I used to love computer games and now they bore me. I am hollow. Holding on to nothing hoping something would come oug of it.
I envy those people who are able to go on spontaneous trips. Its a thrill. I cant do that, not because I dont want to but rather because I just can not afford it. I was traveling for 2 years of my life. I guess I was not always happy in my travels, there were days of just so much sadness, anger, confusion. I believe I will always have this… depression.
For those of you who dont know I am only 21 years old. I have been told that I am wise for my age, I dont know how truthful it is. I know suicide isnt the only way out, but it feels like it is. I look around at this world and truthfully, it sickens me. The way how sex, drugs, money, Alcohol rules us. I know its not everyone but it seems like it is the majority of the world. I feel like an outcast. A nobody. Worthless. I feel like I cant relate to anything or anybody (with a few exceptions on SP). I feel like I should die because I have nothing to offer this world. All I am doing is wasting resources.
If I dont reply or post longer than a week I have probably done the deed.
If I do decide to give SP a break I will mention it.
I often dont reply to posts after a day because I have found most people do not reply.
If you want to chat privately you are welcome to. I apologise to those who have emailed me I totally spaced and may have deleted your messages on a suicidal day.
I am still here. I am waiting for my family to go to bed so I can find a tree outside. I know these words are pathetic… I know these words arent from a strong man… I just need to end everything.
I am exhausted… I have no clue from what because I have been sleeping like crazy… most likely a side effect of depression.
I have so many triggers that I cant sit still. If something on TV comes on I freak. If I walk down the road I freak. If try and do anything my mind goes crazy.
Nothing seems normal… I have had this strange feeling and it was never a good sign. Like I have lost so much… I have lost the girl I love… I have lost my will to live… I have lost my passion in life, I dont even remember what that was… I see no future for myself… I see nothing… it seems like death is my way out… If you want to talk before I do it you can but I cant live like this any more… mustering up energy to get up everyday… getting up to nothing thay makes me alive…
I am tired of asking for help. The only way I can get these thoughts of despair is to keep myself busy… I cant live with these thoughts… struggling to stay alive… the struggle to find a future… the struggle to find love… Im struggling to stay alive… I guess I should say I am not asking anymore, I am taking matters into my own hands… finding my own solution.
I have forgiven Chanelle… how could anyone love an ugly fool like me… sunday will come soon enough and thats when my depression ends. I got paid today and I guess that will help my parents deal with all of this.
So I plan on hanging myself on sunday. I know its not nice for my family but I am just tired of it all. I would do it tonight but I have to look after my parents animals.
The night before last I had a huge fight with that girl. It was more her telling me to get some professional help and how she can not be there. It was odd because at the end of the conversation she said she wants to talk about it but I just couldnt do it anymore so I am not responding.
Please give me a reason to live. Tell me why it is so important for me to stay alive. Whats the point? Every single second is soaked in sadness, every weekend is a war. I am going crazy. Whats the point!!!
The ignorance of people towards depression is astounding. People think we want to be depressed. That it is our own state of mind that we put on ourselves. If that were true the amount of time I spent trying to be happy would have worked. The amount of searching would have paid off. a non-depressed person wouldnt know how it feels to be trapped in a prison where you are reminded about how much of a failure you are. Sadly a non-depressed person wouldnt research what depression is and how its classified as a mental disease. How antidepressants dont always work.
I wonder if the world is so messed up because people turn a blind eye to those who are suffering, to those who are poverty stricken. I wonder if this world is so messed up because people dont take the time to give compassion to these people. Sadly people wont do it because its to much effort. They have to be selfless.
One of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen was in Mozambique. We went into a remote village which had no electricity, no running water and hardly any money. We were packing and about to leave and people and children started bring us food, fruits, etc They had a gathering and took money and they gave it to us. We were adamant against taking any of it because we had enough but they would not hear it. If only people had a heart like those people. Willing to give so much for others. These people showed me how much suffering they have. They have to go over a kilometer to fill jugs of water and they are still so caring.
Well I have a question for all of us sui’s… is this helping?
I know after I ‘scream’ on here I get a slight bit of relief. Give it ten minutes and it is back again.
Well I wanted to hang myself today but it required a taller place where I need to tie the rope.
I have been asking myself this question recently… Why am I suicidal? I understood why today. Everything has gone wrong. I am more alone than I ever was. I seem to have not future. My job trains me but also makes me feel like a complete loser. I cant get any romance in my life. I litetally have nothing to live for. I was asked by that girl why dont I do something about my life, instead of moping around why dont I do something. Thr reality is everything requires money. I cant further my education because I have no money. I cant go visit my friends because they stay about a 2 hours drive away and costs me a huge sum of money to see them. Everything requires mkney which I dont have. My job pays poorly. Its easy for a person who is able to go and do a shopping spree and spend a huge amoung of money to say life is easy but for me I cant get anywhere. I havent centered myself around money though, I would love to see a society without money but sadly I cant.
I guess maybe I am stupid. I guess I am not the most handsome guy out there. I guess I am scum. I dont have a place in this world.
Im going to try and sleep this off but if I cant its over.
Chanelle… I cant go without writing this. I need to share why you mean so much to me. I need to share the truth with you.
Well where do I start. Maybe from the beginning. The day I remember meeting you. It was after school, I remember clearly that it was at your badminton practice. I remember the first thought that ran through my mind ‘Beautiful, so beautiful’. Sadly back then I was a bit different, I didnt see you for who you truly were. It took me a whole year to truly see you beauty, how you are so much more than looks. How you are always smiling and trying to see the beauty in everything. I fell for you from 2012 till now. Its been 4 years since then and my feelings are stronger than ever. I remember in 2012 how every morning I would go hang out with your bestfriend waiting for you, just so I could see you once. People still thought I liked her but in all honesty it was you who I was waiting for. You would barely notice me but I would look for every opportunity to see you.
People keep on asking me why I love you, I struggled for so long to understand why. In a way something about you has captured me. As you know I suffer from depression, I have for years. long before I met you. When I met you my depression started easing up, you made me want to live. You were the reason I stayed alive for so long. I shouldnt really say this, you are the most amazing girl I know. The girl of my dreams.
We may argue, we may have some differences but we have so much more in common than you think. You may never love me, but I will always have these feelings for you. I dont want you to think the reason I am dieing is because of you. You were the reason I hung on for so long and now that you are gone I dont really have anything to hold onto.
I am really sorry. These will be my last words I will say to anyone. When I send it to you that is.
I am truly sorry I am breaking the promise.
Today I might actually do it. Ive gotten over killing myself with blades so I am going to try find some rope.
I still have to write some suicide notes but I will get to it. Im giving up on life. Its not worth this pain.
So I need advice on 2 things.
1. Do you think I am in love with this girl?
Well I believe I am in love with this girl. I confessed this to her and she says she doesnt believe that it is true I love her. The few reasons I can name are:
- The thought of her makes me happy.
- The second is she make me happy- this is really rare for me. Not to many people can do that.
- It hurts, like my heart literally is in pain when I think of losing her.
2-how can I stop loving her?
I cant love anyone else while she is the person I love. She has stated she doesnt love me. I have kind of had these feelings for her for 4 years and I cant seem to shake them. I dont believe I will find I will love someone else like her.
Its kind of stupid I know. If I cant shake these feelings soon Im going to commit suicide. Not because I cant have her but because I have nothing really to live for.
Im just so tired of everything. Of struggling with love… of trying to find anything to make me feel whole again. Im tired of screaming in my head. I am so drained from life.
I have stopped trying to commit suicide via slitting my wrists because I feel I should let my arm heal a bit, I cant go deeper and I think it started getting infected. I tried taking pills last night but all it did was make me nauseous.
Ive hit a wall. No ways I can get back to where I was before. I cant trust anyone I know. I know it sounds odd but I cant trust the person I love because she broke me.
Now its the big question, how can I die? It feels like life has taken all my energy. I want to slumber and never wake that.
This has to be a bad dream, hopefully I will wake up as a 3 year old and make something of my life.
I remember going to Swaziland as a missionary into a village. I was blessed enough to have electricity. I would bucket bath and have to go to the bathroom in a long drop.
It was quiet. It was beautiful. My main goal was to create a report of the area and I was invited to one of the locals one day. They just started singing and it was probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. It got dark and they were just singing under candle light. I left there having to walk home in the dark (they have no street lights) and I felt like there was some beauty in the world.
Help!!!! Everyday has become a struggle. Im at the point crying. I feel so helpless. How am I going to make it through today. Im so broken.
They make it look so easy. Its not. Its realy painful. No wonder the rate of death by this is low. Im getting there though. Wish me luck.