(Insert sad emotional thoughts here)
Hey admins, many times when I’ve tried to log in since the change, it goes to a white page saying error and suggests it has some server issue. It’s happened about 4 times now
Life feels still
My email is devinbelver@yahoo if anyone would like to talk to someone. Or devinx7 as well for kik
Life is lonely
How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?
Hi there fellow broken humans. Would anyone like to talk? My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if youre feeling lonely. Or devinx7 if you like kik better. Or nothing. That works too. I dont know.
Every post i click on, i see you in the comments. Youre a very kind soul. Thank you for listening to and offering kind and supporting words to all of us.
Ive dropped all of my college classes.
Anyone else here by choice give up their chances of a better future?
Every day after i leave school, (3 times a week), I go to this little pizza place. It’s pretty good and it’s cheap and it’s quiet. And I usually eat my food and just drink their mango black tea. And drink more of their mango black tea. And just stare at the table as if I’m in a bar and I’m trying to forget my worries. Sometimes I stay for over an hour after I eat, just trying to loose myself.
The girl that always rings me up has started calling me her depressed customer friend. Friday, when I walked in, she waved me over instantly and asked, “your usual sir? And would you like me to hold the long island in your iced tea?” I didn’t get it at first so I just stared. But then my slow mind flipped the words into its proper meaning and I laughed. And she looked shocked. “Wow,” she said. “That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile.” She slid my 2 slices over to me. “You should do it more often.”
I know they won’t spit the money to her like I would prefer, but regardless, I slipped a 20 into the tip jar before I left, when she wasn’t at the desk.
Does anyone else here have a place that they go, in which they go to forgot or to just “be away”? Even though I’ve never drank before, im starting to realize why late drinking at the bar exists. It’s nice. The world isn’t moving at 1000 miles an hour, and I can just be alone, and let my thoughts calm down. At least for a little while.
(This post is really why I wrote my previous post about stray sheep. Since Catherine takes place mostly in a bar)
Welcome to the stray sheep. I dont drink alcohol but can I drown my sorrows away with tea?
I’m not sure how far I have to climb to reach the cathedral. I’m hanging on to a block right now. The word “edge” rings through my head. The floor is collapsing below me. I should climb to survive. But not all of us have something to climb for.
I’m on my break.. And I’m freaking out.. if I can’t handle this job, I dont think I can handle “any” job…. I dont know what to do
I start work at 11pm to 7am. Then I go to college from 8am to 1pm. I have to sleep during the day. Lucky for me at least my classes are every other day, so I have time to do homework.
My job is stocking a grocery store. And I’ve only spent one day there but my legs are sore and my hands are cut up and my back hurts. So that should be fun.
I dont completely hate my job. At least not yet. And since it’s mostly solo work I probably won’t hate it.
And I love school.. But I have a private lesson with a phenomenon teacher. And despite years of playing and practice, my biggest weakness it sight reading. I typically just learn a piece just by listening to it, because it’s faster for me. A lot of chord progressions I can tell without even playing notes on the piano for reference (simpler ones)
But my biggest weakness is sight reading. And she’s a classical teacher. And sight reading is kind if like the core element to that. So what did she ask me to do when I walked into her office today? (First she actually asked me to play something, so at least she doesn’t think I’m a total beginner). But she handed me a song and asked me to play it. I couldn’t.
I stumbled, I played f’s instead of f#’s. We were in the key of G, I know that key by heart, but my mind turns into mud when I sight read. I messed up almost every jump, I stopped playing for a few seconds after every measure. She kept correcting me, “that’s a 4th, you just played that g why did you play a instead? Your rhythm is getting out of sync.” And the worst part is I was sight reading a piece like, just a step above Mary had a little lamb. It was that bad. I could hear her frustration, her thinking how much of a waste of time I probably was to her. A college professor in a private lesson for a student who sight reads like they’ve never played a day in their life.. and I hated every minute, knowing I had made a mistake for signing up for this class. It doesn’t matter if I can identify diminished 7 chords by ear or improvise over modes and tritone substitutions, the one thing I can’t do is sight read, and that was the only thing she cared about.
I walked out of that class wanting to die.
I guess the solution seems simple, just sight read more, practice. But that’s the thing, I do practice sight reading.. I mean not a lot but over the 5 years I’ve been playing I’ve sight read quite a lot. And I’ve made like no progress. So how is it that I could made substantial progress now, in a matter of weeks so at least I dont feel like a complete waste of her time? She even gave me a piece she wants me to learn as well, which means sight reading practice gets even a smaller spotlight.
This is not even mentioning my group piano class at all. It’s the same teacher, but different pieces to learn. So add that to the pile.
Those aren’t the only 2 classes either of course. I have 4 more with homework and tests and studying.
I don’t know how I could do this. With work and school, I dont have time to put in hours of practice. I can get by the group piano class, but the private one? I made a mistake. I should have never signed up for it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Part of me wants to drop out of private piano. Part of me wants to drop out of school (it’s still the first week so it’s not like I’m looking progress). A part of me wants to find a part time job instead of full (because it only took months to find my current one..) And a part of me wants to find the tallest cliff I can. I’m not sure which one I prefer the most.
Sorry for this useless rant. I know most of you have plenty more problems than just pressing keys on a piano. I dont like posting here. I only do because I don’t have anywhere else to. You look great today by the way!
Today when leaving my violin class, my teacher told me in a joking way, dont die. And i laughed, i thought that was quite random. But then she added “It’s not worth it.” And then turned to her next student and started taking to them. I thought that was really odd. After the second part, it didn’t seem like she was joking anymore. We don’t talk about anything except music so, she doesn’t know anything of my life. I like to think she was just being silly, but felt it was quite out of character for her to say that. Maybe i just physically appear to be a depressed person, i dont know.
Not suicide related, just about life.
I applied for college 2 weeks before the first school day. I was surprised they had let me in considering the small notice I had given them. I’ve never really considered college before. I didn’t want to go, didn’t care for a degree, especially in a field like music where one is rarely cared about. But it was my violin teacher who suggested it. The way she talked about college made me consider into more and more over the weeks. So I just went for it. And now I’ve just gotten home from my first day of college… maybe I’ll post updates?
Day 1: first days sure are boring.. going over the syllabus, going over the syllabus.. in every class. But there were lots of things that were definite hilights. My first class is a music history class. Although nothing of interest happened in it, once the class ended, a student walked up to me. I didn’t recognize him, but he said, “don’t I know you from somewhere?” Once my mind familiarized itself with his face, I grew instant recognition. It was someone I knew from highschool, who I’ve talked to rarely, but enough to remember his name. I said “you’re Omar Laz- something right?” He laughed and said “yeah man. (He says man a lot) you’re devin right?” Since we both had a free period, we walked over to the cafateria together and ate breakfast. We talked the entire time, for an hour which is rare for me to do. But he was easy to talk to. And it felt rather natural as he is very non judgmental and kind of carefree. I wonder if maybe we could be friends in the future. We’ll have to see. He did invite me to a church youth group but it would feel weird for me going since I’m no longer a Christian.
My next class was piano. After looking through the syllabus and seeing the topics we’d be covering in the class, I walked up to the teacher once the hour was over and asked if it would be possible to test into piano 2. It was the easiest test I’ve ever taken as she asked me 3 questions. “Do you know chords? Do you know major and minor keys? Do you know arpeggios?” She said arpeggios with a concerned face, which I thought was strange but I said “yes” to all 3 of these questions. And with that she walked to one of the offices, filled out a permission paper for piano 2, and handed it to me. I thought it was quite funny that she didn’t have me actually do anything to prove I knew those things, she just had me say yes 3 times.
Third class was jazz improv. This was by far my favorite class and teacher. When he actually talked about music, he didn’t talk to us like we’ve never touched an instrument before (even though I’m sure some of us haven’t), he went straight into talking about playing by ear, the circle of 5th/4ths, transposition, key identification, modulation, ect. I’m so excited to be in this class, i has purposely arranged my schedule just so I could be in this class and I feel it was a great choice. At one point in the class he asked us to say a song we might be interested in playing by ear, a simple one. Most people said happy birthday and ode to joy and simple ones like that. When he got to me, I thought, this is a jazz improv class, so I had said “autumn leaves”. “Ohh a jazz standard, very nice.” He then asked someone to give him a key, in which he played perfectly on his sax. Which, I’m sure he’s played it a hundred times. He walked up to me at the end of class and asked, since I didn’t bring an instrument (i didn’t know we were supposed to) what I played. And I said piano, guitar, and violin. I told him I mostly play piano and he said he’d try to bring one in for me. And I said if not, I’ll bring one of my other ones. Hopefully he can though, for my knowledge on jazz scales are highly lacking on guitar and violin xc
my last class was music theory. At the end of the class, he handed out a pretest to see where we all are I guess. I scored a hundred percent on it. I asked if skipping to music theory 2 was possible and he said I’d have to talk to the supervisor guy, who wasn’t in his office at the time. We’ll see if I can. If not, it’s fine because I don’t think I get credit for any classes that I permission to skip..
thats college I guess. It seems like all positive things I guess, but there is a strong negative factor to this as well that I’m very much worried about. In order to have gone to college, I had to quit my job. My classes are Monday Wednesday Friday from 8am to 1pm and in the 2 weeks I’ve been applying to over 12 jobs, none of them have gotten in touch with me. This is my first day being unemployed in 3 years. My dad doesn’t really want to talk to me, he’s actually avoiding me quite a lot since it was his job I quit. He might even threaten to kick me out if I don’t find a job soon. Tomorrow I shall print my reseme and start going business to business applying to various job positions in person in hopes one will accept me. I guess I’ll just hope one will.
Thats all for now. My mom was watching this cute animal show when I got home and it had baby rhinos in it! 😮 it was the best thing ever! .. Imma go now.
I gave a girl at this restaurant we went to a 100 dollar tip. I waited until she wasn’t looking before I put it on the table and basically ran. I love the idea of tipping people lots of money. After watching many YouTube videos of people doing it, I just wish I could do it all the time. But I’m not rich of course. 100 is the most I’ve tipped so far.
I also tipped this McDonald’s worker who was super kind but was being harassed my customers blaming his for their food not tasting right. And he was so kind and generous about it, and looked so dead on the inside, I have him a 30 dollar tip.
I feel sick. Physically and emotionally :c
I’m out of town and I need good books to read.. I like anything with a good story. Maybe not so much sifi related. But yeah. Any suggestions?
Some books ive read and loved are: a gentleman from Moscow, before we were yours, a man called ove, the golden compass series, well you get it..