I am special to no one. I strongly feel, I never will be. I am a good, honest, intelligent person who likes metal and conspiracy theories and facts about governments and the origins of civilization, but I am an unattractive and boring mid-twenties man with small and irregular genitals and no money and no place to call my own. I belong no where. Most of the good friends I had don’t care about me anymore. What is left of my family has become very fragmented and hardly existent on both my mom’s and dad’s sides.Â I have been extremely alone for a very long time and I can’t believe I am still breathing. Women dislike me and they probably feel nauseous just looking at me or hearing my stupid voice. Because I have no hope of ever being with someone , I stopped taking care of myself/health. I don’t eat very well and I look fatter than I ever have. I am almost positive I have heart or circulatory problems and other issues, I just don’t care enough about my life to do anything about it. I just want to love and be loved but apparently that cannot for me. Minus the money part, this is all why I will eventually end my pathetic life.Â email@example.com
My needs and desires cannot be fulfilled. What is so normal to everyone else is like winning the lottery to me. I want Britney so bad but nothing can be done about this for many reasons. I cannot satisfy a woman, I cannot get love, so all that is left for me to do is die. Don’t expect me to stick around while you all wave your love in my face.
To girls: I’m sorry that my ‘bad attitude’ turns you off so much. I’m sorry I have no reason to have a good attitude. Sorry that you almost seem offended by my extremely depressed state. I’m sorry that I was born. I’m sorry that I can’t satisfy you. Sorry that my voice sounds so stupid so you never really know what I mean. I’m sorry if you ever thought I was ignoring you or something like that, I just couldn’t bring myself to speak to you. I’m sorry that I can’t make conversation with you. Sorry that the lack of love and affection in my life has caused me to become a sad, suicidal hateful person. I would say sorry for not sticking around but, you don’t really care, you have no reason to when there are so many others out there.
First: I am hopelessly alone. Second: because of this I think about killing myself almost constantly. Third: so I am trying enjoy what I can (which is very little) just so I can stay content enough not to kill myself. Something specific: I have a very strong attraction to my step-sister, more specifically, her feet (but not just her feet). What I want is to be able to take good pictures of her feet, with her consent, and I don’t want anybody to know about it except for me and her. The problems with this are: She has a long time boyfriend, she is my step-sister, it might blow up in my face and she’ll freak out and people (like my family) will find out, I’m not so sure she even likes me, and like I said I’m really afraid to ask because she might think I’m a freak or a creep and she might tell people about it. If I had money, I would pay her $10,000 to agree, that’s how bad I want it to happen. I don’t have anything to offer really. I thought about just being her slave for awhile and doing whatever she wants but I doubt she’ll go for that because one, I’d have to be a secret slave and two, she might think that offer is just too weird. I should also say, we are not children, we are in our twenties and we have to live in the same house for the moment. I want this so bad, its driving me crazy. When I see her feet I either get really excited because of how damn cute they are or really depressed because I know I can’t touch them or take any pictures of them. I’ve also thought: since I am most likely going to kill myself anyway, why don’t I just ask her? I mean, If she says yes then that’s really really awesome and it will help me survive a little longer, and if she says no and people and my family find out I’ll have the push I need to end my misery sooner. So I just don’t know what to do. I doubt anyone can help, but I’m putting this up anyway. Please, don’t tell me that I shouldn’t ask her or shouldn’t kill myself because “there is someone for everyone” and I should just wait for that someone. That is pure bullshit, there is no one out there for me, so don’t waste your time typing anything like that, it does not help.
I don’t have much to lose. I don’t see how I can gain anything I need While stuck in this body.
My needs/desires are tearing me apart. I can’t handle seeing all the happy people holding hands with their significant others
while I am still alone. I feel like a man who has been lost in the desert for a long time with nothing to eat and everybody is waving food in front of my face, real close to my face so I can smell it, everything but touch it or taste it. I am convinced that there is no girl (who I would find acceptable myself) who will love me, remain faithful, and stay with me until I die.
I’m sick of saying the same crap over and over again and I’m sure your sick of reading it in my previous NRTL (No Reason To Live) posts. But It just doesn’t stop hurting and the same questions and thoughts just keep bouncing around in my head. So I guess at this point I am just waiting. I just need an emotional push, I need something to happen so I can use that in the moment and leave this world.
I wrote this four days ago.
……………….I’m not sure why I have let myself be trapped in this horrible body for so long. Maybe I just need to let go of those small emotional attachments so I can finally get out of this body. I’ve said before that I am not ugly, this is actually not true, I was being nice/lying to myself. I am ugly in many physical ways. My huge head and fat face, my small hands and arms, my awkwardly broad frame, my terrible skin, my stupid stupid sounding voice (my voice makes me sound like a total fucking idiot who is being jerk even though I don’t mean to come across that way) and of course, my small and irregular genitals. I am sure I (my soul/spirit) was not meant to be in this body, this is a mismatch. I do think I am supposed to be male and white but beyond that its all wrong. It seems that my body is like this to impede my greatest human need/desire of needing love from any girl that I might want that from/want to love. On somewhat of a side note: do you women know or even care how much pain it causes someone like me when you make comments about liking ‘big ol magnum dicks’ or liking larger penises at all or negative comments or jokes about small penises? It feels like (without any exaggeration) a knife just got shoved right in the middle of my chest. I actually feel it and it hurts. Its been so long since I had any affection from a girl that I can’t even remember what its like to touch one. I can’t believe I have allowed myself to stay in this body for so long. It never stops hurting, it only sometimes somewhat subsides for short periods of time here and there only to come back strong. Its becoming more and more difficult to keep my composure in front of others, I have to isolate myself often so they don’t see because I don’t want any attention like: “whats wrong with you?” me: “oh you know, I am ugly as shit and have a small irregular penis and I can not be truly be loved and I can’t stop thinking more and more seriously about leaving this body.” Yeah, right there is no way I could ever actually tell someone that I plan on killing myself/shutting this body down. People who want to die just get called cowards and weak. So I’m not going to ever actually talk to someone in person about this because no one likes someone who is never in a good mood and talks about killing themselves. I also can’t trust anyone enough to talk about this stuff anyway. Also, they would not even know what to say because it is apparent that my problems can not be changed as long as I remain in this body. I am absolutely convinced that as long as I am stuck in this inadequate shell, I will never get the monogamous love that I need.
On top of all of this it seems my dog will no longer be living with me because of reasons that are out of my control. He is the only being who shows me unconditional love. Now I have nothing.
Here is more of the stuff I have written recently about why I constantly think about killing myself.
Living to survive, surviving to live. LIVE TO MAKE MONEY SO YOU CAN SURVIVE….AND MAKE MONEY.
For me personally, I see no value for me to continue to survive just so I can keep surviving. I also don’t see why I (or anyone) should have to dedicate my life (majority of waking hours) to continue run on a treadmill (a job) just so I can make money so I can continue to survive for the sake of surviving when I have no real reason to continue to survive in the first place. Some people might have a reason, but I don’t. People often say things like “Its just life” NO, its just control and manipulation of humans. I think it is likely that humans would have more meaningful lives with no monetary system and not ‘just lay around all day’ because the world’s circumstances would be completely different. For more on that, watch the movie Zeitgeist: Addendum.
So, yeah, I don’t see the value in living to make money just you can survive to scarf down food and suck down fluids… ..just so you can survive to make money and do it again and again and again and again…..
F*(k the state of the world and the state of humanity.
Its (hole)ding me back
I think that if I could get rid of my libido and my strong need to love and be loved, I could probably continue with my life with very little stress and problems and actually be able to make some goals and get them done. Maybe I could actually change the world for the better. I doubt that I could ever get rid of those certain human qualities in myself though. Because of this it seems I will remain frozen in the way of typical life advances. So until either the strong need is met or I can eliminate that need, the hole in my chest will continue to grow and I will become….. even sharper.
and this one:
I think of two opposite things a lot.
Suicide and sex. Those seem to be pretty much the only two subjects I think about these days. One of them has to do with the ending of my physical existence. The other is supposed to be a life creating urge even though I have no desire to have children (like a girl would even want to have sex with me anyway). So, when I’m not thinking about killing myself mostly stemming from the facts that I have not had sex in almost seven years and no girl could ever love me so I will be alone for the rest of this physical existence, I am also jacking off at least 3 times a day. I was just thinking that its strange for me to be constantly thinking about those two things that are supposed to be opposites. I have noticed that when I am really really feeling like I’m almost to the point of finally ending it, I stop jacking off for at least one to three days. When there is a day when I am really really unusually horny, I think about suicide very little in that day but those thoughts never completely go away. I don’t know why I breathe now. Maybe its because of that so called survival mechanism or maybe its because I don’t want those few people who would actually care if I was dead (close family) to be sad. Still, I don’t want to exist in almost constant soul-crushing pain just so a few people can have the piece of mind that I still exist.
Hi. I am going to start posting some stuff that I have wrote in the past several months about how I feel and why I feel this way. Here is the first piece of the puzzle that I am going to post here, one of the oldest.
I am a white male in my early twenties and I will likely live a short a life, mostly because very undesirable body and within that, my small hands and arms, bad teeth, huge head, bad stretch marks, fat belly, and my small and crooked penis; Its is roughly 4.8in by 4.8in. Besides this I am ugly but not disgusting. I am now getting fat at 190lbs because I just donâ€™t care about taking care of my body for the sake of finding a partner who will not be satisfied anyway. I have only had sex with one girl and in my mind at the time, it was a very serious relationship. It was six years ago. It only lasted about nine months and its the only relationship I have ever been in. Its was a long distance relationship and I now strongly believe that she was cheating on me most of the time and she defiantly was at the end of it. When we were together she would sometimes say things like â€œit needs to at least go up to your belly button.â€ or she might kind of laugh and point at the tag that was on my underwear that said â€œhang tenâ€. I didnâ€™t get that at the time, but I do now. Its a long, painful story but in the end, the day after I broke up with her (after she was acting suspicious and I heard from people that she was cheating on me) she called me up with some other dude who was saying â€œhey I heard you have a baby dickâ€ and she was whispering â€œbaby dickâ€ and telling me that her past f-buddy was much better in bed than I ever could be and so on. I should also point out that during this relationship she basically forced me to get engaged to her. I never treated her badly, not ever. She would never put any effort into sex especially if it was oral or anything where she had to do something, she would just f around holding it not really doing anything. Whenever I went down on her and a small handful of the times we had normal sex and she seemed to be enjoying it she would tell me that Iâ€™m â€œdriving her crazyâ€ and have me stop. I cannot forgive her to this day. I am not at all open to using any kind of toys or extenders or any of that ****. I, myself have strong sexual desires, but apparently from the research Iâ€™ve been doing using the real world and the internet I will never have a girl who wants to fulfill those desires because I am physically inadequate. So in these last six years I have had absolutely no â€˜more than platonicâ€™ contact with a girl. I donâ€™t want anything but a serious relationship, but I guess when it comes to what I want it doesnâ€™t matter because it seems that there is no one that I would consider â€œadequateâ€ myself, who would have me. It seems as long as I exist in this physical body, I will never be happy and will always feel soul crushing pain/loneliness and feelings of hatred, envy and wrath. Girls probably think Iâ€™m rude because I hardly ever say hi to them or say anything to them but the only reason I donâ€™t is because I feel that it is pretty pointless because either it is impossible for me to ever be with them or they are already so tainted or I know that they have been with guys who Iâ€™m sure are bigger down there than me so I just donâ€™t try at all. I have nothing to offer them that they would actually want and consider it enough reason to stay with me. I also donâ€™t want to be just tolerable enough to stay with for awhile, I want to be a girlâ€™s everything and nothing less so they donâ€™t even consider other guys even in the slightest bit. I know that that is supposedly unrealistic but I donâ€™t care, thats how I feel and I will not be lied to about that. This is the only way that I can express my feelings because I canâ€™t trust anyone enough to tell them what the main problem is because it is exactly the kind of thing that everybody, especially girls, just love to make fun of. And its not like a damn thing can be done to get rid of this problem. My existence is a contradiction to itself: what I need the most, I am the most ill-equipped for. I donâ€™t think that there is a one or anyone (for me) at all. I donâ€™t have enough personality or enough ANYTHING for any girl that I would like. I donâ€™t want to play up the â€˜motherly instinctâ€™ in a girl and I donâ€™t really want pity. What I realistically want now is a permanent rest from this, I want this to end. Also, no religion, it does not help.
So girls, is it wrong for me to feel this way?
This isnâ€™t all there is to know about me and why I want get out of this body but it is a large portion of it.