Here I am. Another sleepless night. Staring once again to the white screen in front of me with music in the background. While this has become comfortable I miss the unusual dreams of the night. The dreams where I visit places I’ve never been or ever seen. The dreams where I do things I would never do awake. The dreams where I meet strangers who understand me. The dreams where there’s chaos and adventure. Instead I sit here knowing I would never visit strange places, or meet strange people, or journey through some sort of adventure. I need to fall asleep. I need these dreams to come. I need an escape from reality but I’m battling my body, my enemy, who refuses to allow me sleep. But I know I’ll seen be there. Into that world I dream of.
the taste…the feeling…the escape. hiding away in my prison you call a room. i hide away empty bottles you know nothing about. while you sleep i drown myself in the sweet taste of liquor. the beautiful scent thats not to be found anywhere else. the beautiful taste that only comes from the first sip. the companionship that it gives that its not felt anywhere else. the great feeling it gives that one can only dream off. a disease they call it. well it’s a disease i’ll gladly die from. and die i shall.
i’ve always hated myself. i just never really wanted to believe it. i always felt that things would get better. that shit was only temporary. but shit has stayed the same. why am i so afraid of life? why can’t i be social? why is every body pushing me away from them? everything hurts me. my mind makes things worse than needs to be. i try not to let it but it takes over. i have no place in this fucking world. HELLO!!! somebody please notice me. notice the pain and the hurt, which i hide so well. I’m afraid to live. But I’m afraid to die. well, not afraid to die…afraid to do it myself. why can’t i just not wake up one day? if only it was that easy. one day i’ll get the courage. not the courage to start a life of happiness, that does not exist. not the courage to be part of a group of friends, i’m not wanted. i’m talking about the courage to end it all. how will it be? a bottle of pill? sitting in the garage with the engine on? hanging myself? i really do not know. but only that courage will come. i know it will.