I can’t stop thinking about him. I crushed so hard on him in high school and no matter what, I cannot forget about him. He radiated absolute joy, and no matter what silly or stupid thing I talked about with him, it felt so good. I’m terrified and so saddened that this has happened, or that these suppressed feelings may continue to eat at me. I can’t keep this down, as it always comes back up and I am in tears again. Perhaps it’s stupid, absolutely meaningless and totally irrational, but I can’t deny it, and the fact that I haven’t told him or anyone just leaves me with so much regret and sadness that it actually starts to hurt and make me physically and mentally sick. I don’t want to hurt him or scare him but I don’t want to keep crying and feel the need to die from this loneliness. I just want to know that he’s happy so badly, and I would of course like to be there for him as much as I could to the best of my abilities, but if he rejects me or is terrified, I just don’t know, but I think I want to know. I’ve never felt so hurt by someone or something, I’m just scared of hurting him by intruding on his happiness and that of others in his life, but not being able to try is a pain that I don’t wish on anyone, especially not him.
to say too much?
If this is the only life that we are going to live through, and our only chance at happiness, isn’t it a bit worth sharing emotions and passions to the point that it becomes awkward? Isn’t that what being a human is all about?
My trouble with relationships is the mundane. Fuck the weather. Fuck sports. Fuck fashion. Fuck Hollywood. I’d rather talk about us and the silly memories that we’ve been through, and, of course, the bad ones too. Others in my life, however, do they desire these relationships like I do?
I yearn for passionate relationships but get stuck when someone tells me about something new in the media. I get that we, as humans, like things like sports (unless you’re me), but do relationships formed mainly on interests last? What if you go blind and can’t watch TV anymore? Will your friends still like you if you stop dressing nicely? I’m just thinking here, so feel free to express your opinions and experiences by all means.
I’ve suffered from awful anxiety for the majority of my life, and I’ve withdrawn socially. I’m using Facebook in an attempt to check up on those people who made my life more enjoyable, and hopefully be able to call them and communicate more personally. It sucks waiting for a friend request to be accepted or even denied. My emotional state cycles to a state of hope to a state of resentment and tears. Life gets better? I sure hope so, but until I can talk to them, I feel such great regret and intense curiosity about the wellbeing of those people. Too bad medication can’t solve everything.
Humanity cannot be happy. The developed countries have higher suicide rates, possibly because humans have not adapted to life in the first world. For example, people chop down trees so they can wipe their asses. Surely, one would think that there would be consequences. First world countries have toilets filled with water, where there are other countries that are dry and impoverished. Many countries are rubbish, and other countries are busy making technologies that help destroy the planet just the same. The best way to be happy is to be an ignoramus, and even then, stupid people often tend to be emotional and violent.
It seems like if people aren’t beheading you for being an infidel, you’re being judged for your honesty. I really don’t understand how doctors and other intelligent people can be happy, unless they manage to block out the world somehow. I’ve observed several stories about intelligent people committing suicide, being murdered, or shamefully humiliated by society. I thought that I could be happy by being mean, but I’m just not naturally an asshole like so many others. I feel bad when I make morbid jokes based off of reality. When I talked to my therapist, I often told him what was bothering me, and he never said anything. Are my feelings justified? If so, then why do people think I need help when I mention suicide? Why do people have to blast their heads off with shotguns and leave scattered brain matter for people to clean up? Why can’t people just go out and buy suicide pills, or die in a dignified and less horrendous manner? I don’t fucking understand this world.
Well, it looks like my psychiatrist is going out of business, as if mental health wasn’t already underfunded enough. I don’t know if anyone who worked at the place will start up a business here. I guess wealth and a great education go hand in hand, so maybe those doctors can form a new business, or maybe I’ll just be on my own from here on out. At any rate, nothing has really changed. I’m still bitter and I barely leave my room. I still have no friends because people make me contemplate the ultimate futility and disillusionment I feel when pursuing relationships. Plus, another thing that I’ve noticed is that I use “I” a great bit. I read somewhere that people who tend to write in first person are more prone to depression. I don’t think changing my writing or typing style will cheer me up, though.
Relationships often make me feel empty and hollow. I’ve had friends in my life, and it seemed like the more I knew someone, the less there was to like about that person. Nowadays, I rarely leave the house. The only people who know for sure that I’m not dead are my family members and psychiatrists. I’ve told my therapist that I’m tired of living. Everyone says that I’m just inexperienced in life, and that I’ll be happier later on in life. I’m very doubtful. They think I’m just being stubborn, which is probably true. The problem that I have with life is that it’s boring and predictable. I guess I started failing high school because I wanted to see what would happen if things were different, and now, I’m all alone because it’s something new. All that is left to do in life is work. I’ve had enough fun in my life to be bored by entertainment. I hate that I have to work for no reason, and then die, according to everyone I know. I really wish people were kinder and would be more open to assisted suicide.
I hate how if you don’t go to college, society deems you an “idiot” or a “failure” in life. I tried college, but it just hasn’t worked for me. It’s too fucking depressing. Everyone that I knew in high school seems to be in college, all giddy with their friends and entertaining lives. I have nowhere to go but into the limited career world that I’ve been bred into, and I’m not expecting much. I can’t do anything for long, because I become bored and just want to sleep and never wake up. Therapy is going pretty poorly. My last meeting with my therapist was perhaps the most depressing. I actually started to tear up and become even MORE unhappy. Nothing has changed in these years. Life still feels like this game we play to brag about and shove into others’ faces. It’s not going to change because life is what it is. I still admire people who commit suicide, and hope that one day I can muster the courage to take my own life. I certainly believe that people have the right to die. Perhaps the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of advancing toward the legalization of voluntary and humane suicide methods for all.
There’s no greater way to celebrate the genocide of the Native Americans than with a dead turkey and a tacky parade!
It’s hard to want to live when people are filthy, lying hypocrites that might even kill you if they knew they could get something out of it, or get away with it.
So some studies are suggesting that trans fats can make you dumber. I’ve got to add those to my “diet” so that I can be stupid and happy like so many other people. Nobody wants to be intelligent.
My desire and motivation have been very low for the past couple of years that I have been called “depressed.” I couldn’t go to college for more than a couple of weeks before I started skipping and realising that it was just like high school, where it seemed that the aspirations of everyone were to get drunk and make stupid decisions, which I had a difficult time understanding. (If they hated consciousness so much, why didn’t they commit suicide?) What is the point of living past high school anyways? I always liked learning, but that’s proving to be more trouble than it’s worth. With the Internet at my fingertips, it’s easy to learn about how awful humanity is. It makes me not want to associate with anyone. Plus, nobody is paid to learn, which is unfortunate for me.
I think about suicide every day, but generally not too seriously. I wonder if I’ll be happy in a year or so from now. Life is a random set of coincidences that ultimately has no inherent importance. Being a member of this “life” game is boring. People keep telling me that it’s fun. What exactly is fun about working, coming home, eating, fucking, sleeping, and dying? Relationships are pathetic. They all lead to divorce and disappointment. Work is just a pretty word for “slavery.” Houses are just like cozy prison cells. We’re stuck on this stupid rock, only to die here… so I guess humanity might as well work until it dies. At least, that’s the feeling I get from society. I hate my therapist because he doesn’t give me weed, some dopamine enhancers, or something that could work. Instead, all he has done is give me antidepressants that don’t work and some words to make me feel like an idiot.
I think I may have finished life a bit early. There’s really nothing more that I want out of life. Now that I think about it, I’ve never really wanted anything out of life at all, except maybe to be an astronaut when I was five. People often talk about dreams and so on, but I see those as just DREAMS, and not reality. I’m tired of living and dreaming, and ready to just go back to the earth as a lifeless clump of molecules.
I really want to know why people are so fucked up. Why can’t people do whatever the hell they want as long as they don’t invade the rights of others? Things like weed, prostitution, and so on are illegal or taboo, but seriously, why? Why are we told to look down on people who are okay with doing drugs or having sex with tons of strangers? What’s the alternative but working nine to five until retirement and death? Whenever I tell my mother that we should allow people to do what they want, she acts like she’s okay with it, then, if I rephrase the question, she says that these people should not be allowed to do what they do because she’s okay with her freedoms and sees no reason to expand freedom for everyone else. Why are people such hypocrites who say they like freedom, when they are so afraid to give it to others?
I almost always feel comfortable around others in a business sort of setting. When it comes to casual meetings and activities, I want the fuck out. I remember back when I had friends, and we went out to go eat, but I was bored to death. What was there to talk about? We already discussed poop. We talked about sex and food too. What was the point? Friends don’t last, they just come and go. We all run out of things to say, and being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship is… unfulfilling. I don’t get why people are so happy on the TV and outside in the “real world.” It seems fake. I think that deep down, people are real scum, like the average person could be as bad as Hitler if they had the chance to truly express themselves rather than submit to societal discipline. And yes, optimistic hopefuls will talk about how easy it is to kill people if they really wanted to, but I think that most people are just afraid of getting caught.
I went to a psychiatric testing place last week, and I’ve got to go back again Monday. I’ve noticed that I express far fewer symptoms of depression than I had years ago. For instance, I don’t actively want to commit suicide, but I still wish to stop existing. I sleep whenever I can, because there is nothing to do at all that means anything. I don’t want a job because there is no point, and I’m currently mentally incapable of having one, as I break down about a couple of weeks in, realising how pointless and worthless I am and that my job suggests the opposite, which is total bullshit. I know I’m worthless and that the universe doesn’t need me, but everyone around me suggests otherwise. Why can’t they just let me die? I might have to pay someone off to kill me. There’s a lot of stupid people where I live, and all of them are happy.
I think I’m done with people. I wish they’d at least give me a chance to die without having to suffer with this melancholic mind of mine, but people never fail to disappoint. A peaceful escape is just too much to ask for. I have no friends outside of the family, only feeling okay with my mother and brother. Each day, I feel like I am drifting further apart from them as well. I’m losing interest in talking to people as there is nothing to say. My connections are based on nothing more than materialism. People just can’t connect with me emotionally, philosophically, etc., or I just can’t connect with them, but I don’t really care anymore.
Humanity seems to believe the absurd ideology that all humans are created equal. Therefore, when someone has something like ADHD, or some other disorder, be it mental or physical, of course others will try to ostracise them! We’re raised in a society that says everyone is the same, and that people can do anything if they set their minds to it. This society is fucked up. Many “disorders” or “syndromes” aren’t detrimental at all, but rather, they’re different ways of acting and perceiving. Why can’t they be respected as such, and why do people with these differences have to be seen as inferior to others in society? Then again, this is a society based almost solely off of money and outward appearance, so I guess it’s not too much of a surprise.
I don’t like humans. My main goals in life are to never reproduce and die. Euthanasia should be legalised, therefore all of the nice people don’t have to put up with others’ bullshit. Going to war against others and killing them is okay, but suicide is completely disrespectful to humankind. That just makes me want to die more, because I fucking hate humanity. Everyone has about as much meaning as a rock or a ball of crap that a dung beetle rolls up. People believe in God because they can’t handle knowledge. Everyone likes to be stupid. Just look how popular drugs, alcohol, and sex are. People are fucking and smoking so they can lose their grip on reality, or lose consciousness completely. I remember going to a group therapy thing, and how the other teens told me about how they’d never felt so good in their lives as they had when they were high.