I’m 23. It’s been 3months since I’ve registered at this site. 6 months in depression. I won’t bother to type my story again since I’m tired of telling it. All that needs to be known is that I’m tired and sick of it all. I failed so many times and so many people. I failed myself as well. I should have bettered myself, I could have. Would, should, could. I’m tired of everything. The past 6 months has been nothing but darkness and sadness. It’s already been half a year, and I have gotten no where.. I’m trying my best to better myself, to keep myself occupied. I went back to the gym for a bit and then stop again because I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m going to counseling. I’m taking driving courses to get my license, I don’t even care for it but I am doing it. I’m done with trying. I’m done. I know I will hurt people if I plan on leaving this planet, but honestly, I just can’t take it anymore. The only peace I get is when I’m asleep not dreaming. At night all I feel is rage for all I’ve done, in the morning, I wake up and it begins again. I haven’t had a good day in a long time. I don’t care about video games or browsing the internet. As I grew older, those became weightless that they cannot fill the void that’s inside me, and it doesn’t help that the fact that void gets bigger with each month, and it hurts inside. I’ve taken a lot for granted and now it’s too late to correct those. I’ve let go but the pain still festers and it doesn’t seem to subside. It’s not that I don’t deserve to live, it’s just that I don’t want to anymore. I hear on the news that some young people die everyday, my age or younger. These people are said to have had a bright future and many friends, why do they die if they accomplish and hold life very valuable when people like me, the ones who take it for granted, the losers like me who really have nothing to look forward too, are alive? It may sound like I envy them, I don’t because these people could have done so much more better than me who has no will. I give up honestly. I’m just tired and I’m fed up, frustrated with every fucking thing! I have a family who loves me but I can’t bear to be alive one more day. I just can’t do it anymore. Missed opportunities, relationships that I was too ignorant to put in the effort to make better, chances to change and to progress. I will admit this to the world..
I should have been better person. I should have put in everything to be the best I could have been. I am sorry I didn’t.
I ran from my problems and they rolled after me getting bigger as I grew sore from running. Now these problems are crushing me slowly that I can’t breathe without feeling trapped.Â When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero. Then you realize super powers don’t exist,Â which is not a big deal because you grow up, so then your left with hero. But then sometimes, you grow up to be opposite of a hero, either a nobody or a villain. I failed somewhere.. I’m just an irrelevant ghost who is trapped in the vicious cycle and tormented by past demons that I ran from. I don’t harbor hate towards no one but me. I am my own enemy and soon, me, myself, and I, will cease to exist. The sad, meaningless saga called my life will come to an end. I’m sorry for not trying hard enough. I’m sorry for not being the best person people told me I was. I’m sorry I didn’t believe them. I’m sorry I failed them. I’m so sorry that I’m a screw up. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been. I’m sorry I don’t care to see my future. You don’t have to forgive me, because I can’t bring myself to forgive me.
I am sorry.