Hi suicide project people.
I haven’t written in awhile. I have since my last post, given in to taking medication,Â andÂ got a new therapist. I amÂ spendingÂ a lot of money on therapy and psych appointments and medication. I am still depressed. Still lonely. AndÂ theÂ only person that makes me feel better (a little) is not really interested in getting to know me. I am disorderly attached to someone at work, basically.
I have alreadyÂ expressedÂ to this person that I’d like to get to know them outsideÂ ofÂ workÂ andÂ they sort of skirted around giving me an answer. They are nice tome Â at work, but then when I leave work I dwell on whether or not I got to talk to them. IÂ justÂ feel so lonely, so I am looking for affection and affirmation in places I shouldn’t be… like at work. So today was another one of those, kicking myself moments. Why do I care? I guess it is because I feel that nobody cares. For whatever crazy reason I want this one person I like to care…. and well it is not exactly an ordered relationship. It is definitely more one-sided. In the way that I was totally bummed when this person just left and I didn’t get toÂ talkÂ to them atÂ theÂ end of the day.
As you can guess I’ve burnt up a lot of relationships with people….friendships, romantic relationships, because I am too hard to be friends with or be in a relationship with of any kind. I get really depressed, threaten to commit suicide for attention, etc. etc. At least I am self-aware that I am disaster. Help, anyone? Thanks.