So quick Story, pretty much my whole Friend Group is online, aka we use Discord and other Social Media to communicate. Due to some personal reasons i wasn’t able to be online that much recently, and when i was able again, i realised how little it mattered if i was there or not. I was mostly ignored (and still am) and it doesn’t really matter anymore if i join or leave calls. Damn this feeling hurts. To some of those people i poured my soul out, and spent hours trying to help them. Is this all gone now, only because i wasn’t online? The worst part i think though is, that they kind of found a replacement for me. A person thats pretty similiar to me, but just… better? Just fucking hurts when you sit there in the call, and realise the people that mean most to you, don’t even realise when u go or how your voice breaks while talking (if you talk even, because mostly you just get interrupted).
“Why can’t you be normal”?
Me and my mom never were at the best of terms, but when i told her, that i was thinking about suicide a lot recently (mostly because a lot of people in my surrounding are suicidal) and that if something should happen to them, i couldn’t take it, instead of beeing supportive as you’d expect from your mother i just hear the words “Why can’t you be normal for once, do you always have to cause such drama?” Not the best responds. I mean is it really my fault, for not wearing anything else than black, or not listening to hip hop or rap music? For not wanting to get drunk every day, chain smoking or liking romantic movies like everyone “normal” seems to like? I am sorry i want to die then 🙂
I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from. I don’t know why they are there. But everytime i try to be with my family, i just feel more empty, more lonely. Maybe it’s because i get even more compared to my perfect family members. To hear what they archieved, what they reached in life. And then to say, what i didn’t. How i failed again. It doesn’t matter what i do, they always just stare at me, with this look in their eyes, almost as if they would tell it to me. The truth, how they would never see me as something else, than a person who rather sits in a dark room with a pc all day, than going outside. It hurts. It makes you feel less of a human. Less worth. Should i be sorry for having different passions then someone else? Sometimes i feel like i don’t belong into this family. The last few days, this sometimes became everyday.