Who are you?
The water looks cold.
It must feel warm.
I don’t want to be me anymore.
I can’t pretend anymore.
I’m not capable.
I can’t be like them.
I want to, I want to be so much.
I want to be more than I can be.
But I can’t be.
I don’t want to be alone anymore but I have no choice
Being with people just to kill the loneliness isn’t what I want.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know which me is me.
I want to sleep.
I don’t want to sleep anymore.
When can I go home.
I can’t do this anymore, every day it gets worse my anxiety, depression , sleep, my overall state of mind.
I have no real support, but in my situation support is irrelevant so it doesn’t even matter.
I’m the only one that can help myself, I either go out or I don’t and I haven’t been doing the things I need to do to succeed and I’m starting to go back to old habits that keep me stagnant…
I fucking hate not having any motivation, every fucking second I’m reminded of the trouble I’m causing for myself and my family. I feel so sick of myself, I keep screaming at myself to just do what you said you would and grow up.
I don’t want to live, I think about suicide 24/7 even though I can’t let myself do that, my morals are higher than my own life.
Even when I accomplish something there is no satisfaction, the only reason I’m doing any of this is because my only other choice is to let my family down or blow my brains out.
There’s nothing left of me, panic attacks daily, constant self-disgust, and almost a constant state of stagnation.
I thought after I got out of the residential maybe I’d get over my issues, but they just got worse over time. It’s been 2 years since I got out and nothing has changed.
Sure I have an internship, and I’m trying to get my GED- but all of these things keep making me worse and worse.
I hate being so cerebral of myself, I hate knowing I’m the reason I can’t move forward, I want to be ignorant and blame all my faults on the world around me but I’m not fucking stupid.
Although I’m making stupid decisions I know I’m the cause.
It’s true being only 19 I still have a shot at succeeding , but it has been fucking years with no change.
I’m still broken, useless, and a disappointment not only to those around me but to myself as well.
I’ve kicked the alcohol, weed, cigs, I’ve tried being healthier.
I gave medication a shot again but It made things worse like before so I got off that as well.
I keep going in circles always fucking up mid way I hate it I don’t know how to stop it.
I feel like I’m not in control anymore, that I’m just a puppet to my emotions, that I let overrun me.
I know none of you are gonna have the answers, that’s why you’re here, that’s why we’re here.
The only thing I can do is put my thoughts down here just so I feel like I exist.
Why do we let ourselves get this far gone.
How did I let this happen.
I’m really tired of trying.
When can I stop.
I don’t want to sleep anymore.
I don’t need any dreams.
I can’t see it anymore.
I can’t breathe the water is too heavy.
Where did I go?
Where am I now?
As I should
Danger is a perception
Pleasure is an instrument
Pain is a sacrifice.
I am home
There is none.
The sky laughs at me
The water smiles
Waves crashing above
The rain was cold today.
Panic attacks every day so far since I’ve moved up here. I feel like I’m being torn and ripped apart in all this distortion in my head. I knew this would happen. Anytime I think I’m ready, it all falls apart when it actually comes. Only person that understands is my dad but since I don’t live there anymore I have no support here. At work yesterday I overheard a phone call , apparently one of my co workers attempted to jump to their death. I’m not sure who it is as I’m very new and I don’t know the outcome but I don’t think they died. I feel like I’m really close to that point now. I really don’t want to continue anymore and if my father wasn’t around I wouldve by now.
Im scared to go outside
but Im not scared to jump
I wont jump
I cant jump
where did the sky go
i cant jump
i dont want this anymore
I know all the things I should do, I’m aware of what I can do. I’m too tired, and I can not get myself to care. I don’t want to care and the current stagnated goals of mine have no pursuit of happiness. I am not my own person , I don’t exist in reality. I live in my own world where life is devoid and I’m sheltered by a black sun. The earth does not spin , time does not flow, there is only a sense of hollow fears and mufflled rage. I breathe empty air and sleep in a crusade against my own self. I am not broken, I can not be repaired. I am not living , I am not dead. I’ve sank passed the bottom of the ocean and I’ve reached an empty sky. I’ve drowned.
IM SO TIRED AND SICK OF THIS
EVERY DAMN DAY
I JUST WANT IT ALL TO STOP
I KEEP TRYING AND TRYING
AND KEEP GOING NO WHERE
I AM BEING CRUSHED WITH BURDENS THAT DONT BELONG TO ME
I AM BEING DROWNED WITH MY OWN BURDENS
I AM BEING BURNT ALIVE BY MY OWN INSANITY
THE PAIN DOESNT STOP
IT WONT EVER STOP
But it’s okay. I have nothing. So I can’t lose anything. There’s nothing to worry about. Everything is fine.
One day I’ll forget who I am, who I was. I’ll be completely gone from this body.
There will only be pictures left of my sanity, and my body will just be a hollow remnant of what I was.
I’ll keep sinking deeper and deeper because I hate myself and I don’t deserve peace.
I despise being myself, I am just a scared pathetic worthless spec of dust.
Where did the sky go, I can only see the water.