I hope this to be my last post ever on this website. For me, things did not get better. I know now that they will not get better. Anytime something good ever happens to me, it gets taken away from me. It is always a matter of time before something knocks my happiness off course. I hope tomorrow I can end my life. I pray for it. My parents will be working and it my perfect chance to end it all. Maybe sometime this week. Even though things did not get better for me, it may get better for whomever is reading this. Stay strong. Keep fighting. Love yourself because you are all you have in this world. Hopefully this is goodbye to everyone forever.
My first post on here was in April of 2015. It is now April of 2016 and I am back on checking this website for the first time in months. I wish I could say that time healed me, but I cannot. I am doing better some days but I know that is because I rarely leave my house or my room. I turned 20 at the end of March. I needed that birthday. It was a good day. I still want to die. I still think about it regularly. I’ve been getting out of the house a little bit more now. I actually have a girlfriend now which is a big testament due to my trust and commitment issues. I still have almost no desire to live or to better myself. I finished a college application, another huge testament to my recovery. I have not submitted it yet. Baby steps. I do not have a real job yet. I’m back to losing hope though. It’s been since October-November since the last time I have cut myself. I still have a hatred for therapists. I still do not know whether I am going to kill myself. I hope I grow some balls to do it one day. Time will tell. I hope everyone is doing okay. I wish nothing but the best for everyone. It is night time for me so that is why I say I hope everyone has a good night. If it isn’t night where you are. well, then I hope you have a good day.
I’m running because I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel
But when I reach the end of the tunnel it’s just another puzzle.
And that’s when I understand there’s only one way to end this struggle.
And the pain and the sorrows I can no longer juggle.
And now my body’s empty and lifeless I can no longer move a muscle.
And a 6 foot hole for me they are digging with a shovel.
And people are wondering why me I always met life with a chuckle.
Will I miss some people in this life, yeah maybe a couple.
I’m home alone. My parents are gone for the weekend. The urge to kill myself while they’re gone is as strong as its ever been and I fear I might do it tonight. I’m breathing heavily and my heart is pacing. I’m scared…
I’m jealous. Not with what you would think, but I’m jealous of the people that gained enough courage to end their life. I’m jealous of the people that have cancer. Believe me, I’d trade my healthy body for yours. I know I don’t want to be here. I’m 19 and I already have my will written waiting on the day I finally muster enough courage and kill myself. I actually laugh because I like to cut myself to feel the pain and see me bleeding but I want a painfree death. I try to be happy but I fool everybody but myself. I’m not happy. Even if I do have a good day, I come home and the pain comes back. All the different ways I die in my head, constant strong feelings of committing suicide, and hatred towards my life until I get frustrated and grab my knife and put my scars on me. This is no way to live. No one deserves this.. even if I tell myself that I do. I never tell my friends how I feel anymore. I’m tired of telling them because I feel they’ve been listening too long and are tired of it. Plus, who knows how long they’ll be my friends. I just bottle it in until I take it out on myself again and I love it. I love cutting. Here’s to hoping I finally get enough courage to kill myself.
I like to write so I wrote a fake verse to Stan by Eminem. It’s stupid, I know but it’s way to release how I feel because I have no one to talk too.
As I wake up in the morning, I see the world that I’m in.
And how I’m not the carefree Jeremy that I used to have been.
I hate seeing life sober that’s why I take these hallucinogens.
As I put the knife to the skin I’m beginning to grin.
And my patience with this life has become paper thin.
I feel like I’m broken like poor little nemo’s fin.
Now the gun’s to my temple and im counting down from ten.
“Did you really wanna die? No one commits suicide because they want to die. Then why did they do it? Because they wanna stop the pain.” – Tiffanie DeBartolo
Found this quote and thought of it to be very true. I’m done. I’m sorry mom, dad, and brother but I need to do this. When I get the chance I’m hanging myself. I have no motivation to get a job, start a career, or just live in general. Nothing appeals to me in life. I’m a broken soul with no home here. I have parents that love me and I have a roof over my head and I should be grateful for that which I really really am but I don’t want it. I just don’t want to be here anymore. The depression hasn’t been as bad as it normally has but the feeling of wanting to kill myself has become quite stronger. I don’t really feel depressed anymore because I’m at piece with the decision of ending my life.
They’ll see the scars that they don’t know about when I’m dead. I’m just not normal. When I cut myself it sort of feels orgasmic. That’s not normal at all. When I’m done cutting, I rub the edge of blade across my neck gently as well because it feels so good. That’s not normal either. I fucked up the one night and cut my leg open because i used a different knife than usual. It was an accident. It was very deep. I could start to see tendons. That’s not normal. I dream of the day I die. I just want to go out quickly. No one knows anything is still wrong with me. It will all be unexpected. I don’t belong here, I never did.
I’ve received alot of love in my time here on this website. I appreciate all the love given my way. None of you know me, but I might as well say that I have decided I will take my life. I don’t know when, but I will. It seems so peaceful. I’m at peace with the decision as well. I think it is what’s best for me, to be honest. I’ve had too much happen to me in 2 years and I’m left with no will/desire to live. I’m going to try to enjoy the time I have here left with friends and then I’m going to go. Once again, I appreciate the love I’ve received in my time on this website. You people are some of the most caring people I know and the funny thing is, I don’t even know you. Take care everyone!
I use to be haunted by my dreams and thoughts. Now I embrace them and love them because I always die in them and they always offer peace. That’s all I want. Peace. I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of what comes after death. I’m starting to just deal with whatever happens afterwards cause I’m done with this life. I think I’m finally getting the courage to hang myself. I’m trying to learn how to tie a noose. The thing is, I don’t care about me. I care about random strangers that are on this website that feel like me. There’s a whole website dedicated to this, that just shows there’s that many people like me. I hope you guys get better, I do. If you are reading this, life is a piece of shit I won’t lie but alot of the people on here are the strongest motherfuckers I know. You guys want to break so bad but you haven’t. Do you know how strong that makes you? Do you know how much of an inspiration you guys are? I don’t know any of you on here but I feel like you guys are beautiful people. I just want everyone to take care. Even though I don’t believe it for myself, I believe you guys can get better.
I apologize now because this will be a long post. Doubt anyone will actually read it but I need to just find somewhere to put my feelings. I see a therapist two times a week. Every night I’m too scared to go to sleep because when I turn off the lights and try, that’s when the thoughts get the worst. “You’re a f***ing piece of shit please kill yourself.” “You’re burdening everyone, you’re gonna do them a favor by doing this to yourself.” Thoughts like that constantly. Those are more of the calm ones. Sometimes i hear almost like a voice screaming at me to kill myself. I have images of slitting my throat to watch myself bleed, laying my head on rail road tracks so that it decapitates my head when a train goes by, standing in front of a train, crashing my car into a tree as fast as i can get it before i hit the jump by my house, stabbing myself and screaming hateful things at myself, blowing my brains out, hanging myself. The images are so gruesome in my mind. I use to cut my stomach. It started off as scratches that didn’t always draw blood, but i would scratch my entire chest and my entire stomach until there was really no where left to keep doing it. My friend eventually told my parents everything and I had to give up that knife to my parents and start seeing the therapist i do now. I cleaned my room recently and found one of my old knives. It’s small but its still quite sharp. I’m backing to cutting and I love it and i missed it so much. I do both my thighs now and I make sure it bleeds. I love the burning sensation so much. It’s the only pain I can control. I wake up tired every morning no matter how much sleep I get. The thoughts are exhausting, the images are too. I plan on giving up soon. My friends that I have told about this all say that I can get through it, but the thing is, I don’t want to get through. I wanna finally hit my boiling point, snap, and finally end this bullshit thing i deal with every day called a life. I was born with pneumonia and i wish all the damn time that i died when i was born with it. I hope this next part doesn’t offend anyone if someone is actually reading this, but i wish that I had cancer so that that would kill me and i didn’t have to do it myself. I’d trade my life for a cancer patient. I hate waking up every morning. I’m pretty sure, on top of depression, suicidal thoughts and tendencies: that i also have anger problems too. I can get angry over the littlest things. Sometimes i can control it. Other times I can’t. Who knows how much longer I have here. I hope I dont have too much longer. If one of my wishes come true I pray that it is this one: I pray that no one ever has to deal with this anymore. No one deserves this. No one deserves to think like this. I swear to God, if i could, whoever thinks like i do, i would take their pain away and bring it all on me. That’s a little bit of my story. Kinda feels good to talk about it.