So I got my midterm back the other day. I bombed the thing with a 50%. Failing. Lovely. The teacher posted some extra credit, but I figured that it would just bring my grade up from an F to a D-. When my roommate asked if I did it, and I said no, he looked at me like I was a failure. So I decided to go ask my professor if I should stay in the class. He said yes and that I should do the extra credit. I couldn’t figure out how to do a problem and when I asked him for help he looked at me like I had forgotten 2+2. Then he proceeded to explain how to do the problem expecting me to just remember how to do it. I had absolutely zero clue what to do until he told me what to do. But his face. His eyes. There was so much disappointment in them. I have gotten that look so many times in life. Like, I’m trying (I truly am), and it’s not good enough. For anybody. It doesn’t bother me so bad to get that look when I haven’t really tried. Like in my band lessons for example, I just don’t really practice before hand and show up unprepared. But when I truly try, and they look at me like I’m not good enough? It hurts. I’ve never been good enough. Always trying, but never succeeding. Always failing. Always. I feel like I should just give up on school but then my dad would always look at me like a disappointment. I don’t know how well this whole college thing will work for me, but hey. No matter what I do I’m a disappointment so I might as well get a college degree to have the memories of it all. If I don’t mess that up.
It’s been a while. I think the last time I posted I was feeling decent. Now I just kinda don’t know. I feel like crap. There’s nobody I can full on talk to about how I feel without making them uncomfortable or without them telling somebody who might worry. People worrying about me and overreacting is the last thing I want. I just want someone to understand where I’m coming from and listen without freaking out or being inconsiderate. As of right now it’s 11:04 p.m. and about half an hour ago I realized how worthless I kinda am. Nobody really wants me. If I didn’t exist tomorrow nobody would really notice. They would just keep living without me. But if I died then everyone would freak out and say how much they cared for me when they don’t even know me. How I was such a great person who always loved to laugh when right now I’m about ready to cry myself to sleep. I feel like I’m just taking up space and nobody really wants me around but they just tolerate me because I’m here. It feels nice to let it out for once without crying so bad or talking to myself. Nobody listens… Nobody…
Why the hell are people so fucking stupid. I apologize for my foul language. Seriously. Some people do not care about rules. Rules are there for a reason, and there are many unwritten rules. There’s a college group that I’m in on Facebook. This one chick (who I do NOT like) decided to add someone to the group. That person may or may not even be going to that school. I don’t know why this angers me so bad. Normally I would brush it off but the group is specifically for people going to that college and graduating with us. You are invited to join when you apply. I think it more bothers me that she just decided to do that instead of the other person asking to join. My friends got mad the other day when someone in the group decided to bring a plus one, who nobody likes, to come see a movie with us. DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THIS UNWRITTEN RULE? You don’t just invite people and assume it’s ok. IT IS NOT OK. I just hate some people sometimes. I’m sorry if this rant made no sense. Half the time they don’t. I just needed to vent.
My parents have always told me to be careful of the internet. That that’s where people steal things from you and commit fraud against you. And in a sense they’re right, but the internet is a two sided coin and they’re looking at the wrong side. I’ve known the people in my school for 12 years and I’ve known the people on Skype for less than 12 months and I trust my Skype friends more. Simply for the fact that I’ve seen people at their best and worst and my Skype friends handled it better. They didn’t run and hide. They cheered the person up. I still haven’t found that in my school and I found that online by playing a game. I found more help here when I was suicidal and couldn’t very well explain it than when I was at a counselors office. True, the internet can be a dangerous place. But, once you look at the other side of that coin, it can be wonderfully amazing.
So I’m back… It’s been over a year since my last post and at the current moment I’m not really suicidal. I’m just in pain and I’m scared. There’s a girl I used to be good friends with and she was kinda like my therapist and now we don’t talk. Over the past year my emotions have built up and now they’re starting to be released… Violently. And I’m scared. There’s a girl I wanna ask out but if she says yes, what if I accidentally go off on her? I don’t want to hurt her. I really like her. I’m just scared to be close to people cause I might hurt them. I tried to choke a kid the other day and I half blacked out. I don’t remember much of what happened. I’m just getting scared and worried. I needed to vent a little so that’s why I decided to come back. Hello darkness, my old friend.
Does it get any easier? Dealing with the pain? The sadness? Resisting the urge to wrap her in a hug and kiss her? How about pretending nothing’s wrong? Or accepting the fact that the thing you want most, you can’t have. Or how about living? Does that get any easier? Does it ever?
My dad and I had an argument last night… He might split me and my girlfriend… He said he’s gonna find me counselling for my suicide… If I lose her, I’m gonna need more than counselling and to stop me.
So I guess I’m staying alive… For her. I told her about it and she started freaking out (which is normal) and made me promise I wouldn’t kill myself. What made me agree though, was that she started crying when she realized, if I did kill myself after the next band concert, we would have less than 10 days. And she doesn’t cry in front of people so that was a big gigantic sign that she cares. So I’m stayin’ alive
She’s the reason I’m alive… My girlfriend. But it feels like the whole world is trying to keep us apart. When I see her smile, I smile. When I kiss her, the whole world disappears. When I’m with her, I’m at peace. But, no matter what my parents think, my friends think, my family thinks. She’s the reason I’m alive. Another girl broke up with me (before this girl) and I really cared about her. We only lasted a month, but I still cared greatly. When we split, I wanted to die. All those suicidal thoughts I had forgotten about for 3 years, came rushing back into my brain. But, then my current girlfriend came. I realized that, the previous breakup didn’t mean anything. But, I’m afraid I’m just falling in love too fast all over again. And, now my parents and the kids at school are trying to keep us a little more separated. They think it’s for the best, but they’re completely wrong. When you’re alive for one reason, you’re gonna hold onto that reason for whatever it’s worth. No matter how defensive you get, no matter how many people attack you, you hold on. It’s not her I’m afraid of losing… It’s me…
I feel pointless. I seriously do. I’ve had people know about me being suicidal and literally, 2, maybe 3, actually acted like they cared. Now I’m probably up to 4. Everyday for the past month, things keep getting worse. School, family, friends. I’ve survived this once. Twice. Three times. I don’t know if I can do it again. Maybe it’s my time to die. I feel like nobody cares, maybe nobody actually does and it’s all a lie. I guess I should say goodbye to everyone. Before I die…
I never thought I would actually get to this point. School’s shit. Can’t even hug my girlfriend without getting into trouble. Barely any friends to talk to. My dad’s pissed cause we started arguing about me bringing my girlfriend home. Apparently, I didn’t get a yes to bring her home. I just wanna die. I’m basically a slave in my own home, can’t do anything anywhere else. I feel pointless. After the next band concert, I’m ending it.