depressive episodes right now, life is stupid really Im not having it today. F*** everything I’m having a combo of sad and angry idk why, i was fine yesterday but today my mood changes and yeah maybe I am mad at myself. I can’t live a normal life and I have to hear people who don’t know anything about me saying “im scared of you, your mood always change” “you don’t smile” “talk to me” “what’s wrong” I can’t be answering to them “oh i have bipolar disorder, does that help?” they will surely either give me a look or talk to me like they understand what it’s like having this sick f***ing mind.
Do you know that feeling where your chest tightens and you can’t breathe, can’t sleep, can’t even talk and you just sit there and cry because you’re tired of this?
The room is quiet but you can’t seem to focus because your mind is too loud, you cried but no one can hear you and you smile but no one see through you. When you’re outside all you want to be is your bed and when you’re in bed you can’t sleep because these whispers become louder than your own voice! And you are struggling to keep yourself together although you’re already broken apart and the only question left is are you worthy of saving? can you truly be saved by all these? As much as you want to believe you can, you know that you fall too deep to find help because you’re alone.
this is so frustrating!!!!
I found comfort in this darkness, they say it’s mind over body but is it really? There are days I could be laughing all day and crying all night, pouring my deepest emotions when I am alone. I used to say I am so tired of feeling like this but now I’m fine being like this, nothing can actually save me right now and it is more than wanting to be dead because I feel lifeless already. My energy is draining, I’m left with a few percentage before my mind shuts down and I am not afraid if that happens. I am giving in to whatever that wants to happen, I don’t want to control any of it because I know I am never going to win this battle. I am okay with losing because for once I just want to close my eyes and fall free.
- Surviving another day
- Going to work
- Keep up with a smile
- Try to be positive
- Can’t wait for the week to end (but it’s never ending)
- My cat, Sora (she means the world to me)
- I just want my day to end earlier so I can go back home
- I want to be on my bed
- Drawing and painting helps me relax
- Listen to FKJ all day (helps me to calm sometimes) I love Amsterjam
- Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts think happy
- Self love
I just hope tomorrow gets better even if it doesn’t I hope I will survive tomorrow
I feel like giving up, I do not want to feel this emotion over and over again. I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel so alone even when I am around my friends. I don’t like to be around them anymore, I just want to be alone!!!! I am supposed to be grateful to be alive but I don’t even want to breathe another second. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I tried to love myself but I really hate myself. I can’t keep up with a smile for 9 hours at work and cry the whole night, I can’t cut, I can’t kill myself and it hurts me even more deep inside because its a whole fucking mess in my head. It is always so noisy! All these voices in my head i just can’t keep them away, I am loosing myself and my sanity! I need help but how do u help someone who can’t be save
those tiny voices in my head speaks louder than my voice
i hear them talking about me everyday
sometimes i cried and plead to make them stop
at first i didn’t think much i thought it was just me
i am always left alone so i wandered around myself
but i never knew how dark i can be and it is scary
i want it to stop so badly!!!!
I didn’t know how and why it happen, we were fine before but without me realising he distances himself from me. I can’t even remember what we were arguing about sometimes because he wasn’t happy with whatever i do or say, he will say i am wrong, selfish, slut, ***** and i begged him to stay everytime. Even if it wasn’t my fault i just took the blame and this has been going on for 7 months, i missed him everyday wishing that he will see me as myself.
I made a mistake that he can’t seem to forgive me and he seeks revenge, he made me feel like i am a horrible human being and i deserve it. i broke his heart and i wished i can fix it ;(
We haven’t met for a month and within that month i’ve always asked for a meetup but he always gave excuses, we argued a lot too. I came to his place a couple of times and he didn’t want to see me even when he knows im waiting for him, on the 4th November 2016 i couldn’t hold it much longer. I can’t get a hold of myself i tried to locate where he was from his friends, and when he got to know he was so mad and flip out on me but still he didn’t want to see me. I cried everyday hoping for things to get better but nothing was ever gonna be better, it was almost a year.
On the 5th November 2016 i was on my kitchen window (i lived in a 12 storey apartment at level 6) at 10am i wanted to end my life, my neighbour saw me and he called the cops. i was taken to the police station then a night at the mental hospital, that night all i could see was how i disappoint my mum, my sister and my step father. That moment i really wished i act sooner to just jump and end my life, now im trying to survive each day holding that guilt.