anyone know another sight like this i can post on?
Standing by myself I see a car go by with my husband and two kids in it. It keeps speeding up and there is a turn ahead. It only travles faster and faster. It rushes into the lake. The front windows are down. As soon as I realize what is happening I jump into the lake to help them out. I see the scare in my kids faces. They are too young to survive and breath in the water. Their eyes turn to glass as their bodies move in the motion of the water rushing in. I take my husbands in mine and he grabs tightly. I try to unbuckle him, but look straight into his eyes. No hope in his eyes. I see that he dose not want to be saved. We strap our hands together and let out the rest of our breath together. Sinking to the bottom. We all die.
I’m sick of people. I’m always getting in their way and there always getting in my way. I’m sick of them telling me to be myself and then setting all these rules of this and that down that make me not be who I am. In a way I guess I am this this person. I mean, since I do act like this person they want me to be, that I am in fact this person. But I’m not happy this way. They say they want me to be happy… I do no think they do. If they wanted me to be happy then they wouldn’t tell me how to act or when to be serious or when to laugh or cry or smile or to frown. Those reactions should be of the own free will. Not as one to wait for someone to tell you to do.
We hide emotion under our skin as long as possible. We stay under the emotions. Trapt inside our own minds. Not dead and cold, but as if in a living coma. You are there but wishing for it to end. Unable to speak with the world. The opposite of amnesia. This disease crippling but not killing. It will end one day.
I haven’t been on here in a while an am not so sure what all I want to really say. My life was getting better. A lot of things were going wrong, but I was handling it. I tried to not think of it I think. Maybe that’s why all of a sudden I have been all depressed these past few weeks on and off. I’m not so sure really. It worries me that I am this way. Not for me, but for my mom and my boyfriend. My mom has been busy with the holiday things and the people staying here. I think she knows I have been acting a little different but that’s pretty normal when there are a lot of people here or about to be here. I’m just not a people person. Not that I mind or anything, I’m just that way. My boyfriend sees right through me though. I wish he couldn’t. I’m not going lie, it’s nice that someone notices. But, I worry him and I hate that. He played the guilt card yesterday. It hurt, of course. I felt, feel, so bad. I know I hurt him and I keep thinking about it. I know certain thing that upset me are stupid things and I shouldn’t let it get to me like that. I never did tell him, which hurt him even more I’m sure. He doesnâ€™t look at me the same all day. I know I should just tell him but I can’t seem to do it. I hate my words. They always come out wrong and make things worse. My words push people away. I just got him and I don’t want to lose him over something so stupid. I can’t seem to hide things from him though. It’s really not like me to not be able to hide what I’m feeling from people. The reasons I’m depressed, or get depressed. I hide my face in his shirt and he lifts my face up and brushes the hair out of my face. He looks at me with those eyes that are almost black and he is so concerned about me and wishes I’d tell him what’s going on in my mind/head. It’s so hard to not tell him. And it’s not that I don’t want to tell him. It’s that I just honestly don’t know how to tell him. One of his biggest things is communication and I can’t seem to tell him anything about what’s going on with me. Am I poisoned? I struggle to hide my face but he always finds me. I don’t want to be rude or anything so I don’t want to just run away to my room or anything where he can’t go. I don’t know if I should just run away or not because either way it hurts him. Then I feel even worse for hurting him like that. I didn’t know I could mean enough to anyone to actually hurt them.
I have it so good! I have a family that gets along good enough. I never have to worry about bills or food. I know we will be taken care of no matter what. My parentsâ€™ house is great. Everybody loves it. No one yells and screams at anyone. My parents are pretty understanding when it comes to big things. Big yard, TV. internet, everything needed and more is here. It’s all the stupid things that add up. I put them out of my mind and suck it up and I’m pretty damn good at it… most of the time. This is so much more than what most people have. It’s not fancy, it’s not ruin down and dirty. It’s a comfortable place to hang out at. Yeah, I’m sure it could be better, but there doesnâ€™t need to be anything more here. There is more than enough here.
Itâ€™s just me, I think. Things get me depressed too easily and eventually it becomes a problem. I donâ€™t know how to get it out. I canâ€™t seem to just tell anyone anything. I donâ€™t know how to. I donâ€™t want to or need to be trapt inside my own little world of depression. I donâ€™t need to hide and run away from anything. I donâ€™t want to either.
My boyfriend likes to dance. He always tries to dance with me. I donâ€™t dance so I just kind of play around it most of the time. Heâ€™ll pick me up and dance around with me. Itâ€™s not like I donâ€™t want to dance, because I really do want to dance with him. Sometimes I try to. Like a few minutes ago I actually tried. But he just said I never try and I should. That was me trying for once. Apparently I have four left feet. Thatâ€™s what he said anyways. Then he gave me that disappointed look, and his eyes looked sad towards me. It wasnâ€™t long because he just went and did something else. I guess he didnâ€™t think of it long. Donâ€™t know why but it stuck in my mind. Iâ€™m sure Iâ€™m over-thinking things and putting them all wrong and out of proportion. Iâ€™m not sure. Not about anything. I just feel that somehow this will end. Maybe badly and over something so stupid. That would cause so many problems. I think I need to stop going on and on. It isnâ€™t getting me anyplace new. Iâ€™m still depressed. Still feel like a complete outcast of everybody. My boyfriend and I are so much alike, but so different. Heâ€™s so outgoing and fun. Iâ€™m the one that sits back and watches people. I donâ€™t get involved in anything. It just doesnâ€™t interest me that much. Someone always gets mad/angry/pissed off at me. Then if one person is that way towards me then so is everyone else. Tension. Itâ€™s just around me lately. Even today. Nothing so horrible has happened today. Yet, when my boyfriend came over for a while he still asked if I was ok. I donâ€™t know how to hide it and itâ€™s driving me even more insane because thatâ€™s not like me. Iâ€™m not like me. I donâ€™t know whatâ€™s going on.
a serge to connect rushes through me
a time bomb with no clock showing
chains holding me down
my lips locked together
my heart trying to jump away from me too
my hand just out of reach for a loaded gun
out of reach like everything else in life
leave me with the waste
itâ€™s the wrong time to be so cruel
iâ€™ll just die here slowly
itâ€™s ok though because i canâ€™t eat anything
too weakÂ to struggling anymore
let me die hereÂ slowely like i always thought i would
leave me with more of nothing
Not that I want to be dead, really. I want to be saved. Loved, maybe? Not feel completely alone on this earth. I know there is people off much worse than I, which makes me feel guilty about the way I look at my own life. People without anything really. I have a pretty good job and my family hasn’t completely fallen apart. Slowly it’s fading, but then again, what doesn’t? My “best friend” refuses to talk to me anymore. It’s been a really long time. I don’t think she will forget about anything and I don’t think she will be my friend again even after school starts. I don’t get to talk to anybody else so now she is gone so is every one else. I don’t know who I will end up talking to at school or if I will at all. I don’t mind being alone. But, I don’t want to be alone in public, really. It’s not that I’m scared. I just don’t want to be a complete reject even more so than I am now. I don’t have much of a life other than the one that is always stuck inside me. I don’t really know how to express myself/my feelings. I am just locked in my world with a few people I care about. I can make up anything I wish. I get carried away and lost in this world I call my own. I forget to go to reality and it’s uncontrollable. When I go the the real world I am just cold and alone. My body is numb and my heart is out of my chest. I find myself holding my breath more and more. Maybe I can hold it long enough to be dead. I never do and I know that I can’t. Today I was working on something and noticed my whole hand was all red and it was dripping down. I didn’t feel a thing. I was just lost. I never slowed down on what I was doing. I never felt it at all. It didn’t bother me. I liked the idea. “Maybe I can cut myself and bleed to death?” Is all I could think about it. A few moments my dad said something and helped me clean it up. I was like in some trance, though. I hardly noticed what I was doing. I was just out of it. Normally when I go totally out of it like that I am alone. My dad kept asking me if I was okay because he said I was white and stuff. I’m not sure what I said but it was such an odd feeling. I’m not sure where this all is going. I don’t really know what to say. I just feel so alone. I long for this one guy I know I can’t have. It hurts to think about him. I think about him all the time, though. I don’t get it. We have dated before over two years ago. Shouldn’t I be over him? I hate I want him so much and that I always think of him. He is the reason I haven’t killed myself so far. I have bee able to at least text him. I told him everything. He listened and remebered things I don’t even remeber saying to anyone. He has always been there. I know I should have just never spoke to him after the breakup… but I did. And I’m here to day, over two years later still thinking about him. Every little thing replays through my mind over and over again. I am so happy. Then I realize It’s not real… I get all sad and depressed again and start to cry. I hide this from most people. I just stay quiet and think that if I am quiet then they wont notice. Sometimes people ask if I’m okay. I say I’m fine, of course. They caught me. I wasn’t alright. I get nervous when I realize why they asked. It takes me a while to recover a lot of the time. Only when I am thinking about him though. I hate to be recognized like this. I hate to be caught off guard. I don’t want anyone to see the real me. I mean I do want them to know the real me, but I don’t, you know? I don’t want to be all seen all depressed because then it gets other people down and then there is no one to take your mind of of it in any way at all. Even if my mind is off of it/ him for a short time it allows me to be just me for a little while. It feels good and lets me grab some air. Then I can go to my world and think of good things that happened and make some things up and just fantasize. I can get my hope up before it crashes. When I can’t talk to him I want to go get a pistol and some bullets, or a razor. Whichever may be fine with me. To me, there about the same. But over the counter drugs didn’t work so I’m thinking I will try something different this time. Maybe just find a strong rope or something. It is so hard to do any of this. It’s also so hard to not do this. Because I don’t really want it. I just want to not be so alone. I want just one person to care for me as much as I care for him. I didn’t think it was so much to ask but I guess it is. I should just forget about it all. Forget about him. Forget everything. If only it was that easy. To have someone love you the same as you love them. So many people in this world I can’ not even meet. I can’t take my mind off of him. I’ve tried but when I have nothing else then I start to write about him like I am now. He is the one person that understands me the most. H knows pretty much how I feel about him. He flirts back and it hurts so much though. I can’t stand it. So many mixed emotions about him are here. I am the last person he would go to for anything and he is the first person I run to for anything. I have to go, but that is the only reason I am stopping because I could go on forever about this. No one cares anyways. I just have to get a little out of my head and some place else for now.
i feel so lost. my mind is lost in memories of him. im trying to lock my tears inside like my shattered heart. i cant seem to find anything good anymore. i smile but it isnt the same as it once was. it isnt real. it isnt me. i dont know who i am anymore. i still have my life i am just treating it different(as someone told me). i dont want to treat it this way. full of anger, hatred, sadness, envy and tears. i want the friends i had. but i burn everything that is anything to me. i run to the wrong person too many times. ive waited so long for these feelings of him go away. ive tried to push him out of my life. but i feel miserable when i cant even talk to him. i try to get the people that cared back but you cant get the same thing when you have burned everything. instead i just make things worse. i dont trust anyone. ill tell people/ strangers how i feel but it dosnt do any good. i still want to cut myself or kill myself at the end of the day. i go to sleep thinking about him and i pray that i never wake up after i finally fall asleep. i always wake up. it hasnt failed me yet. i wake up disappointed that i am still here. knowing i can not have him. it is my nightmare when he leaves, even in my dreams. sometimes he stays and we have the best times ever and other times i wake up crying and grasping the sheets wishing that once i know i open my eyes he will be there to protect me and assure me that everything is alright. he isnt. he isnt there. he will never be there. i dont know what i did to keep him so far away. God, my stomach is so weak these days. i hardly eat and i am always trying to stay bzy so maybe i wont think about him for a while but it never works. he is always there haunting my mind. his voice in my ear. his face in every person i see. so close. i think he is there. he isnt. he isnt there. he never is. i hate him because i am the last person ever that he would want to be with in any way. it drives me insane being friends and never seeing him at all in person. my mom or other family or anyone can hug me and i dont want to hug them back because i am wishing is was him. i am afraid i wont let go if i get too caught up in him. he isnt even here anymore. why do i care so much for him. it dose not make sence. what is so good about him, anyways. (well i could name so much stuff but i dont really want to because i would proly start crying again and i just stopped sorta) i dont know how much longer i can wait. i know i need to move on. ive tried to convence myself that i need to move on. i keep telling myself that i do. but i doubt myself so much about it. i doubt myself about everything these days. i am completly lost without him. like right now i am just rambling and none of it makes sence to me. it makes sence to me in my head but i write it and it dosent even look like it is coming from myself. i seem more like a stranger. i am a stranger. im a stranger to everyone including myself. i dont know who i am anymore. i used to think i had some things figured out but now i have no clue. who am i? what am i suppose to do? live life? there isnt any definition of living life. you cant open anything and there is the answer. write your own life story. who cares? who would care? people say live life, be happy, be yourself. what if you chose to be yourself? what if im not who you expect? what if im not all of this. why do you expect so much of what i am not. why cant people accept who i am and what i feel isnt a choice? you dont have to agree with it. im just saying accept it. get over it and accept it. stop making me feel like i should pretend to be this and that. but the way it is will continue and ill live with it. ill just get over it in my own ways. im not a really emotional person as far as people can tell. so wrong they are. they have no idea what goes on inside. they see someone who just dosnt talk a lot. they have no clue. ive overdosed, cut myself and have had many thoughts of suicide and cutting myself more. they say im a pretty and that they like me but i dont think they mean it. if they ment it then why would they never be around? i am all alone with myself and no one here to care. i feel like i am tied up in a trunk of a car. the air getting thinner and left with old memories that torment me. no one to find me because i am already lost. unfound and forgotten……
I’m 17 to start off with. My parents are divorced and my mom remarried. I am depressed. I don’t really “cut” or anything. Though, I don’t stop from letting an accident happen if it would hurt and make it bleed out. I could most of the time, but I just don’t. I kind of just get really relaxed when something like that happens. It’s proly not good, but oh well. I have ODed once not too long ago and was sick for like four days. I didn’t think of anything though I did feel like shit. It was my fault I did though. I thought about getting the drug out of my stomach befor it could start to work but I couldn’t make myself do it. My parents are alright. I mean, they take care of me and stuff. I never get to actually do and thing and there always putting me down. I’ve got to the point of where I stop listing when they start. I get in trouble for it all the time now because they are always doing it. I fake smiles and laughts for them; but for what? Sometimes I fool myself. I lie to myself and try to get away from reality. Sometimes it works, most of the time it dosn’t. But at least I try, right? I’m not sure. Hell, I’m not sure of much these days. I hate to say it but my depression did start because of a guy. It was over a year ago. I still rember it so clearly though. Sometimes it’s like it just happened a day ago. On the day it came I was expecting it. It didn’t make it any easier. Noone let me forget it either. People still mention him and myself. I got to where I am pretty kool about it. Recently(yesterday and to day), my heart beats so fast when they mention us. My breathing is shollow though. My head light. My vision not seeing what is right in frount of myself. I go off to other places with him in my mind. Dreams I have of us together. Our past. The way he talks to me. Sometimes we talk like we are together even though were not. I am crazy about him!! We never see eachother in person. I tell him everything though. I feel so guilty because of it. He is everything I want/need and more. We can actually talk and he actually listens!(wierd but good, right? I don’t know). I have a boyfriend though. I’ve known him a while but we never actually got to hang out or anything befor. But after like five years we are together now. We still never get to see eachother really. There is always something going on or something like that. I really like him a lot. I don’t want to lose him. At the same time I am wanting to be with this other guy. I have a hard time even thinking of saying that I love my boyfriend because I do love this other guy. I keep thinking that it eill get better and my boyfriend and I will be close like this other guy and myself. We just don’t seem to be getting any chances even though we try to be together and stuff. It just don’t work out most of the time. It sucks. I don’t want to lose him. I’ve told him that I do like this other guy a lot. So I have no clue where to go from this point. I’m on the edge and ready to jump at the first thing that goes wrong. I’m waiting for something and I don’t know what. It scares me. I don’t want it to end soÂ badly at the least. I don’t want to hurt him. He said that he just wants me to be happy and not to stay with him just so that I won’t hurt him. I don’t want to do that at all. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to be without him. I feel so wrong loving two people. With one and wanting to be with another. He is great! I don’t know how to explain any of this right. I don’t know what to do. I know what I should do but I’m not sure how to do so. It feels so wrong!! I am so scared!! Of what exactly I am scared of I’m not sure really…. =/
I’m not sure how to end this so I’m just going to stop it here. There is so much left out. It’s proly all pointless anyways.
“They say hatred is an underestimated emotion…but so is love, and yet that gets tossed around carelessly…”
I’m not so sure how to describe it really…
Last night was one of those wierd nights when you just lay down and pass out… I dreamed of what my family was doing and stuff. Just everyday things like around the house. This was in the morning. But it was like from a video point of view I was looking through. The video went into the next room and automatically I was back to regular view. My eyes were closed so it was black with the sence of light from the morning sun through the window. [This is prety normal, right? I think maybe it is so far.] I rember going to bed but thats all I rember prety much. I rember me thinking of my boyfriend right befor I fell asleep; and that’s it. When I woke up my eyes were still closed. There was somebody familiar beside that I could feel behind me. One of his hands was wrapped around my waist. He was kissing my shoulder and face so softly. I just layed there motionless enjoying the moment. I knew who it was. It didn’t bother me at all. It was nice and so sweet. It was a great feeling. I smiled and opened my eyes turnning my head towards him. I was enjoying every moment of it and didn’t want it to end. We kissed and it was so soft and meaning. Both of us smiling at eachother, our faces so close and being wrapped in his arms…. I loved every moment of it!!!!!!
Something was wrong though… I woke up and found myself smiling like in my dream. My face was glowing, I could feel it! So bright and full of happyness! That hasn’t happened in a long time… It was a REAL smile… I felt great even though I knew it was not real! But, there was still a problem with this… It wasn’t my boyfriend. Yet, I was so happy here even me knowing this.
I could feel the sun from my dreams on my face. The light bouncing off of our faces. How right it felt! It felt so right! “You will know what is right when you fell it. You will just know it.” that’s what people say about things, right? Well, THIS felt so right.
But, it wasn’t my boyfriend though! Could this still be right? Or is it so wrong? Something can’t be right!!
Every time I would fall right back to sleep from being so tired. And every time, I would go back to that dream. And every time I would enjoy it even more. I would wake myself up time after time and it would continue. I thought that maybe eventually, I wouldn’t dream at all, or it would change. It never did.
It was (still is!!) driving me insane!!!!!!
I feel SO guilty
I know it was just a dream
I don’t control my dream, do I?
Dose this mean something? I mean, I don’t really think much of my dreams, but this one was so diffrent…
This person is real… He was my ex. We still txt eachother and it’s great. He done make me smile for real and thats hard for anyone to do. I’m not understanding this. I don’t know what to think of it…
Day after day in this dream I would wake up next to him and it felt so unreal but real!! I love it!! There was no pressure and no worries. I was happy…
I can’t forget it. Why not?!!!?!
Life Is A Prison by Puff Life is a prison, Oh God let me out. No one to listen, To hear when you shout. Climb the walls of insanity, Ride the waves of despair. If you fall it don’t matter, There’s no one to care. Used to wish for a window, To see birds, trees and sky, But you’re better without one – Stops you aiming too high. Watching freedom is painful, For those locked away. Seeing joy, love and happiness, Another price that you pay. Strong is good, weak is bad. Be it false, be it true. Your mind makes the choice, And enforces it too. Cell walls built by society, With rules to adhere. If you breach the acceptable, You had better beware. Hide the pain, carry on, Routine is the key. Don’t let on that you’re not, What you’re pretending to be. Lock it all up inside you, How badly that bodes. Look out for that one day, When it all just explodes. Leaving naught but a shell, Base functionality too. But killing all else, That was uniquely you. So how do you grow, With a timebomb inside? Or how to defuse it, Without destroying its ride? You can’t.
Nothing is ever good enough. Not for my either of my dads nor my mom. My biological dad only wants to see me when it’s his turn so that my mom can’t. I go… I’m not so sure why. I know he is just using me. Then he trys to bribe me by saying we are going shoping or do something “fun”. Sure, Why not? What do I else do I have to lose. I stay with my mom just to get cussed out and shit. I can do something perfect and she still acts all sarcastic about it like it’s my first step as a lil baby. She never means what she actually saysÂ unless it’s putting me down some more. Always putting me down and shit. She tells me to “get a life!!!” ect…. Well, Don’t I have to be able to get out first? I would think so.Â I’m like on house arrest or something. Everybody is the same way. Nothing isÂ ever good enough! Why don’t some of the people always complaining DO something if there so unhappy about it. Do it for yourself since you want it so much.
On the reality part of this…. I will continue to try to make them happy. I will put my thoughts away untill the night where noone can see me but God. I will fake smiles and laughts like I have done for quite a few years now. I will do these things because I think it is just habbit at this point. I will continue to be locked in my cage and chained down. I will keep control in the daylight and have a complete breakdown in the night so I will be able to make it through another damn day.
Suicide sounds like such an easy way out of it all. Everything just stopping. I believe in hevan and hell; I don’t know which I would end up in if I were to suicide, but then again if I were able to do so then I guess it wouldn’t really matter. Either way It would be some kind of relief for me. For all the people who just don’t care. For all fo those that don’t want me here anymore. And so what if they are glad I am dead. It dosn’t matter to me. There is always going to be somebody that they have to put up with.
I’m going to go now because it is pointless anyways and I’m not sure if it even makes any sence
I’m not too sure why I am posting on here right now. I mean, this is a “suicide” website. For the first tim in a long time I do not want to suicide. I am content about myself. I wouldn’t say happy, I am far from that right now. But I am not feeling… selfish in any way. I am worried about my brother (which isn’t really m brother. he is family friend. we both have a mom and dad, but we call eachothers mom and dad as we would our own. wierd,Â i know. we all get along that good though. it’s just like extedned family. we share like everything and treat eachother like brother and sister.). Anyways, he is all depressed lately and stuff. He hasn’t ate in a prety long time. I don’t know what to do. He has never been like this befor. I am sooooo worried about him. If he keeps this up he may become suicidal or start abusing drugs like I did not oo long ago. We are alike in a lot of ways. I look at him and see the same thing happening to him as what happened to me. I don’t want him to be like me: at least not in that way. It worries me so much. I can’t seem to say anything right to him. I am lost. I’ve said everything I can think of. I know I can’t make all of his pain go away, but isn’t there something that can be done…. I am affraid he will end up like me, which won’t be good at all. I want him to be happy. I’m not saying all the time because we all have our days where were not, but he needs to be himself again. The crazy fun-loving brother pain that I know he is. I just hope he will get through it much better than me. I know he can, he is a strong person. This just isn’t like him to be like this. And it dosn’t help that the person that did this keeps comming back just to make things worse and go away again.
I just fellt that I had to get that out there
I love my brother so much
left alone again. why am i not use to this yet?! i mean, i should be by now. i dodn’t even know this person too well. what was so wrong with it? why did he thing it was so worng? to actually talk to someone. i have a bofriend. he has a girlfriend. i can sorta understand, and i respect his choice of not wanting to talk to me anymore. it just dosn’t make sence to me though. every single time i get to actually talk to somebody and feel comfortable about it. my life changes. it makes me happy to be able to do that. just to talk to a decent guy that can get what your trying to say without really saying it all. maybe THAT IS the problem though. maybe thats why he feels like it is “wrong”. he should be able to tell these things to his girlfriend. i mean, i’m sure he trust her; like i trust my boyfriend, i should be able to tell my boyfriend everything. yet… we don’t… we can tell strangers these things but we can’t tell the people we proly should tell. none of this makes sence! i’m, personally, tired of it. we tell people these things and they always leave. so what?! so
what?! what if we tell people things just to get other things off our mind and they understand. thats IS our prob. we don’t tell the people around us these things because we don’t want them to leave. dose it make sence?! all the people we tell something important to end up leaving…. gone…. so what happenes now?
a serge to connect rushes through me
a time bomb with no clock showing
chains holding me down
my lips locked together
my heart trying to jump away from me too
my hand just out of reach for a loaded gun
out of reach like everything else in life
leave me with the waste
it’s the wrong time to be so cruel
i’ll just die here slowly
it’s ok though because i can’t eat anything
too weakÂ to struggling anymore
let me die hereÂ slowely like i always thought i would
leave me with more of nothing
So the drugs have worn off. My stomach still gets nautiated when I move too much and I have a really bad head ache after I eat. But I am acting more like myself now. Faking smiles and laughts as usual. Well, untill everybody goes to bed anyways. Now I am back to thinking of ways to kill myself without it looking like I did it or pin anyone else on killing me. I don’t want to hurt anyone :/
I almost broke up with my boyfriend today. Ha never even texted me. I’m tired of always being the one to text first. He can be so sweet. And when we are together it’s perfect to me. Even when I do something embarrassing it’s ok. At least thats what I think. We never get to see eachother. I miss him so much! Though I feel like we are strangers. If I broke up with him, I would have noone else to care. He dosn’t even seem to care when we do actually get to talk. After a while I don’t even want to talk to him anymore because I get mad and want to break up with him. I am scared to do it though. I don’t want to be alone. Selfishness maybe? I don’t know. Is it wrong to want somebody? If I leave him then I don’t think I would have anything to hold me back from suicide.
I want to live, I do. I want to live for tomorrow though. Not for today. I don’t like today. I don’t like my thoughts now/today. I know what is now. I don’t want the same thing day after day. Yet, thats what I get. I do the same thing every day. Every single day is exactly the same. I am too scared to change it maybe. I don’t know. Dose it matter? Proly not. I can’t breath! Back off of my life for a second. Look back at everything. What have I done? Nothing. Nothing worth anything. I can’t find anything I have done good.
The things I do around the house or anything is never good enough for anyone anyplace. Never. By now I should expect to get nothing back. It shouldn’t bother me. Why dose it bother me? It dosn’t make sence. My life don’t make sence. I want so badly to shoot myself right now. I know where the gun is. I know where the bullet is. It wouldn’t be so hard. It’s just a small trigher to pull. I could do it.
I already know I am not good enough for anyone, anything. I don’t have my furture planned out like everybody else around me dose. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to be myself; muchless how to make it in this world. The friends I once had use to say (behind my back) that I was going to end up with noone. Be the quiet one who only went out if I needed to. There would be noone there. They wern’t joking. They would act like they were joking when I was around, but I knew the truth. I’m not that stupid. They think they all have it all together. They think I have it all together too; just they don’t know how all together I am not. I wouldn’t be so suicidal if I did. They don’t know this though. And I would never tell them this either. Like they would listen anyways. There not my friends anymore. Sure, they may see my mom every now and then and tell her to they said hi but nothing more. Not even a stupid text, ever. They didn’t tell her that for me. They could care less if i did die. As would I.
Noone believes me when I say the truth anyways. I tell my parents to their faces and they laugh it off and say things like I would never do that (suicide). I am this happy girl who has everything/everyone she needs and wants. I smile and laugh like a “normal” person, I am happy!!!!!! Wrong. If just one person would look a little closer… Look past my act. Look into my smile. See how hard I am trying to make it look real. Look into my eyes and see the tears and pain there. It’s all on the surface. Why can’t anyone see? Are they blind? Am I invisible? Am I even exising because I don’t know.
This world could go on; will go on without me. I just want to be dead. I can’t get my mind off of it. I keep thinking of ways I could make it happen. It’s making me go insane!
I can’t get help from anyone I know. Noone I know will listen, much less help. they don’t know I have a prob. and they wont untill it’s too late.
I don’t want to live any longer!!
No friends. No family who cares. What’s left? What’s left to live for?
Take me away, God. Let me escape for once. I am ready. I am not scared to be dead…..
Thursday I ODed. It’s now Monday and I still feel like shit. My parents think it’s some kind of “bug” or something. I just let them think that. I want to tell them so maybe I can get some help… But I can’t bring myself to it. Maybe I should have gone to the hospital. I don’t know. I just still feel like shit. I don’t know much of anything these days. No, I never “had my life together” but then it didn’t matter. I was too young to be thinkng of that so it didn’t matter. I can’t wake up from this.Â I haven’t been able to keep anything down at all. It dosn’t seem like this is my life. I don’t know what possesed me to doing this. I have a boyfriend thats good to me. The best friend I have is my ex. My ex is also the only one who knows I ODed. My boyfriend has no clue. I was going to tell him, but I guess he was too busy. It’s alright. I am having a hard time writing this. It hurts so much to move and it hurts so much to be still. I don’t know what to do. I am sick and tired of doing nothing. I want to be able to eat whatever I wish. I want to play with my puppy. She looks so pitiful playing with herself while I have to hang over or be curled up on whichever floor I land. She is patient with me though. I know, a patiend puppy dog. I am, in a way, jealous of a dog. Ugh, wierd. Never thought of it this way. Playing all the time, sleeping, eating whenever they want. No work or anything. It seems great. Hmm. I don’t know where this is leading or if it leads anyplace at all so I will just stop rambling for now. It’s proly pointless anyways. I can’t even understand what I’m writing.
P.S. I don’t think it helped at all to OD so please don’t make yourself go through with it because it realllllly sucks and it’s not worth it
Please just don’t
I am such an idiot! I see that something is finally going right, then I screw it up! I hate myself. This isn’t me. It’s not who I am. It’s wrong. I know it is wrong. I feel so guilty! Why did I do this? I know what the outcome will be. I have this small doubt still. Somehow It will work out. What if it dosn’t?! What if I lose the few people I have just because I had to say a few things like that?! I know how wrong it is. How wrong I am to do so. What the hellÂ is wrong with me?! I knew I could never actually go through with it. Now i think to myself that if I can push away, I can kill myself and noone will care. No real tears at a funural. Always six feet away from people. It’s just a small triger. I would be able to pull it. Sure, my hands may shake, I would be scared, my eyes would water. If I missed, maybe I could still have the strength to get it right the next time. Finish myself off. It would hurt, but It could be over. I seem so selfish, I know. This is what I would do if I lost those people. I seem to burn everything I love. Nothing seems right. My bofriend is too good for me. He dosn’t deserve me, he deserves someone much better then that/me. I am faithful to him…. in a way. I know I could and willÂ never cheat on him.Â Â Â Â
This past weekend I got a call from one of my friends(well, was my friend, but we have grown appart a long time ago) boyfriend to see If I wanted to go skating with him, that he was trying to get a bunch of people together to hang out becaues his girlfriend was hanging out with a couple of friends(all girl thing I guess). We never really spoke or anything. When he did speak, it would be about him and me. It was wierd, and made me kind of uncomfortable. I never really knew why. His girlfriend and him had been going out for a long time. They argued and stuff knid of a lot, but I was never around so I didn’t think anything of it. I stayed away because it seemed like he always looked at me diffrently than everybody else. I’m not one to start trouble. I hate fights. As far as I knew they were still going out and stuff then. I’m still not too sure. Yesterday, I texted him because since school has been out noone from school has even talked to me, and my boyfriend didn’t answer his phone. We got to talking about normal things. I took something for a head ache. It was p.m. so I thought I would just fall asleep like I normally do. I didn’t. He asked if I wanted to know a secret. I said “sure”. What else was I suppose to say? He told me something and I told him that I was going to pretend he was lieing. (it’s not as bad as your proly thinking, but i’m not telling you anyways). On, and on, blah, blah. He started asking wierd questions and I wasn’t use to that. I was a little druged I guess though I didn’t OD. Ok, I’m shuting up about this. What I’m trying to say is it got out of hand and I said some things I reallyÂ shouldn’t have. I don’t know what came over me. I rember what I thought after I read the text this morning to make sure I didn’t say antything stupid. I don’t know. He dosn’t have a girlfriend anymore though and I am worried I will totally mess things up with my boyfriend. I can’t even tell IfÂ I’m making sence with all of this shit. I can’t get either one of them off my mind right now. I only want… NEED one person. I need my boyfriend. I’m happy with him. He seems happy with me. He is everything to me. How can the other person cause so much complication in my mind? As if there isn’t enough things racing in my mind already. I just realized I am crying. I am scared… lost… confused? I know what I should do. I don’t have friends really. Can we be friends? Am I wrong to want to be friends? I’m not even sure if thats what he was wanting to be more than friends or just friends. I am such a mess. I feel like I’m about to commit suicide though I know I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. That just makes me angry and mad at myself even more. Maybe I will just cut myself. That will take my mind off of things for a bit I hope. This isn’t the only reason I want to kill myself by the way. I could go on and on about my fucked up life. I know I could be worse off. There are plenty of people on this website that is worse off than me. I haven’t even started to name the things in my life that I could take my life for. Give people satifaction of me being gone forever.
I can’t take this anymore. I want to give up!
I have to go now or I may never finish
noone will proly read this and actually care anyways, so is’s a waste of time almost
A couple days agoÂ I started to write one thing on here. I thought that it would get it out of my mind for a bit. Before I knew it, five hours had gone by and I had no clue. The house could have burned down and I would have never known. I realized I was also no place close to finishing it. It made me realize how caught up in my thoughts I am. How much of the world have I missed? I mean, I can’t possibly see it all, but what has been going on?!!?!
I am almost 18. According to my parents and the people I use to hang out with, I am worthless. My mom says she needs me, but nothing I ever do/can do is ever good enough. My dad is always nagging on me. One of my sisters is moved out and has a prety good life. My younger sister is so caught up in herself and always gets her way. I can’t stand it. She thinks she has life all figured out and that she is so much better than the rest of the world, especially me. Always cutting me down in everything she dose/says. I keep quite and people wounder why. I tell them I’m shy because I use to be. But now, I’m not so shy. And how wrong I know this is, I still do nothing about it. Everyone seems so happy, so why mess with it? I’m the messed up one in my family. Noone cares. I tell them straight up and noone aknolages it. There always mad at me for something that they shouldn’t be mad at me for. I don’t understand it. Am I just there punching bag? They release all their anger on me like a hurricane. What did I do? What did I not do? I can try my hardest and it’s still never good enough. I’m still never good enough. I’ve told them I’m suicidal time again and again. They take it as a joke and laugh it off. I play along. Of corse, I don’t think I’m strong enough to actually do it thought. My hands shake. I am afraid I will miss and end up in the hospital. Maybe they would realize then. But it dosn’t matter, I don’t want to be there to be herd. I don’t see how I could also because I make up excuses for me not to. What could happen tomorrow? Maybe if I wait, I can still be dead without actually killing myself. And, I do have a boyfriend. He has already lost his mom. I don’t want to hurt him like that. I can’t hurt him like that. We never get to see eachother, but maybe he dose care. And then there is my ex. Yes, I do still talk to him and he talk to me. I’m not always sure it’s the best idea, but it makes me a little less suicidal. I can tell him anything I please, but sometimes I just blow it off. He may not know what to say, but it’s somehow… alright. I love them both and would do anything either one of them needed. I also miss them both so much. They seem to be the only two people that may actually give a shit about me enough. I’m almost sure that it wasn’t for them that I would be six feet under. There wouldn’t be anyone else that would care, so I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone. I’m not affraid to die. I just don’t want to hurt either one of them.