Lately my aunts been telling me i do or did things yeti have no memory of it, the other day she finally lost it and said i was just fucked up in the head and said she had to walk oug to resist beating the shit out of me. Thats all i remember but i woke up in the middke of the night my arm hurting and by the looks of it i stabbed myself with scissors. The next day i noticed the skin around it turning green, is that bruising from the impact or should i be worried, idk i just didnt know where else to ask.
Im over it over everything im always either angry, crying or numb i cant go a day without drinking i dnt want too being sober makes it harder to face the fact that im worthless and have every reason to kill myself i try to talk myself out of it but each time i feel like im closer im just so tired of crying and hurting all the time things dnt get any better. 21 years and they only get worseim not sure how much longer i can take this or if i want to try anymore. Its time i accepted that soon il end up killing myself. No one will miss me but i really hate the idea that once im dead all of a sudden my pain will matter to ppl.
Is it possible for this sadness to break my body, every breath i take hurts like theirs something broken in my chest that spreads down to my arms and leg. This neverending tiredness that makes every step painful like the next movement is the one that will make my body crumble.
Im 21 years old yet i still feel like such a useless child, that same little girl whose father wanted her aborted, whose mother sdespite this got back together with said father and stood by while he both physically and emotionally abused me. He eventually kicked me out after finding out i had been raped saying that i deserved it and was better of dead. I struggeled to find a new place to stay the night most nights, if i couldnt find a place id sleep in a stall at hyvee or a walmart. While homeless i became addicted to meth. Id spend everyday high i felt like i needed it to keep going to forget and feel happy. I befriended other meth users and dealers, sold for them to keep myself high, during that time i came close to being raped again, by one of those dealers
yet i still couldnt quit spent 3 years trying. Ive finally managed to get myself sober by moving to another state but all i wana do is run out and find some it cant be that hard to find. Not being highis awful i have flashbacks, night terrors and all these feeling i cant block the past out sober qnd it makes me want to die. I want my mom back i want parents who love me i want to mean something to someone. I dont want to feel jealous or sad everytime someone talks about their family. Idnt want to be this needy i dnt want to be this freak who sees things that arent there, who hides away becuase she cnt handle the real world sober i dnt even know whats going on with me anymore i just feel like giving up