(Sry if it’s long)
I seriously have no idea what to do. I’m a huge procrastinator when it comes to homework, but I usually get a grip and get it done at some point. Tonight is different. I have a ton of stuff to do and i don’t feel like doing it at all. The stress of all of my classes is literally making me cry, but I can’t drop them or go into lower ones because my parents won’t let me and I have plans to go to college. At least I thought I did, but lately I just want to quit school. I’m sick of everything about it, and I don’t learn anything important. I care about my grades (straight A’s) and want to succeed but idk if I can at this point. I have no idea what to do (like I said earlier) and the teachers aren’t helpful when it comes to extending due dates. Should I just give up? Please reply with some advice, I’ve considered suicide this is getting so bad. I feel stuck and worthless, with no hope of getting better. I’ve just recently gotten over my depression, but this is making it come back.
Well I did it. I made my parents cry again. This has been happening a lot recently. Tonight it was a math problem. I know, don’t say anything, I know. I was trying to complete a math ws, of course I didn’t understand any of it, so I go downstairs to ask for help. My dad begins to explain something in a way that I didn’t comprehend well, and I went off. Anxiety and depression took over, causing me to have a severe breakdown and run to the bathroom to cry. I’ve been in here for an hour now listening to my parents cry and talk about me. I just can’t stop hurting people, and it’s hurting myself. I’m not planning on suicide, because I know I would cause everyone too much of my unbearable pain; however, I don’t know how much longer I can sacrifice my own happiness in order to prolong it in others. :—
I am slowly falling apart, having peices of my life ripped out of my hands and showed into an inaccessible part of me. There are times where I feel sad. There are times where I feel lonely. There are times where I feel empty….the list goes on and on. I’ve tried to drop subtle hints to my parents that I’m not ok, but they just don’t get it. They don’t understand that I feel physical pain when they yell at me. That I feel like a waste of space and a complete mistake when they talk about me behind my back. They don’t understand that I feel like I am hurting them. When this happens, it causes me to become emotional which usually ends in a complete sob session in my bedroom. My bedroom is the only place I feel safe, so I usually lock the door so I can enjoy some alone time. Today my mom yelled at me to unlock the door and let her in so she could “talk to me.” I told her I want to be alone, that I need time to think. “That’s bullshit” she yelled “let me in before I ground you for a year.” I sighed, and slowly opened the door. My mom told me if I lock my door again she’ll take the lock out. I just feel awful, and I’m currently sitting on my bed wishing I could die. I feel lost. No one understands me or pays attention to any clues of depression I drop towards them. My anxiety makes it even worse, but of course, my friends and family don’t believe in mental illnesses. Big whoop. Friends? Who am I kidding? My “friends” are just a small group of 2 or 3 people who somehow tolerate all of my problems. Most of my school hates me. I’ve never had a boyfriend, although I do have a crush on one guy who probably doesn’t even know I exist. Does anyone even care about me anymore???? I am so sorry, I just realized how long this is. Yep, I just wanted to write a simple paragraph and ended up basically giving you my life story. Wow, I really do mess everything up.
I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle the constant stress, the overwhelming feelings of depression and anxiety, the unbelievable sense of failure. My friends and family don’t listen to or believe my cries for help. Help. Something that seems reassuring, something that seems within my grasp, yet I know I’ll never get it. I’ll always struggle, always be a burden. I’m sorry I give people grief and sadness when they see me, I’m sorry I can’t be perfect, I’m sorry I rant out my problems to people who already have enough of their own. I’m sorry I’m alive…
I used to be happy. I used to be full of joy. I used to be bursting with life. What happened? What made me feel this way, living with so much hate and emptiness? I’m an average person with nice friends, a caring family, and an endless amount of love in their heart, right? Wrong. That’s what people think about me, that’s what people believe that I am. Sadly, they don’t know the real me. In reality, I’m a wreck. I have had depression for a month, suffer from anxiety attacks, and lack motivation, not to mention the constant emptiness I feel. I recently started self-harm, cutting my knuckles and hands. Hope for me seems lost. According to my parents, nothing I ever do or say is right, and they constantly point out my failures. One night I got upset and actually admitted to cutting myself. They began to cry and told me to go upstairs to my room. I haven’t come out since, worried about what they’ll say to me when I do. My “friends” constantly reject me, or completely forget I’m in the room with them. School makes my life even more miserable, giving me huge amounts of homework and projects that trigger my anxiety attacks. Every night I cry myself to sleep, dreading having to survive another day of it tomorrow. I’ve never considered suicide before, and I don’t think I ever will, but I’m beginning to feel like a waste of space. I’m like a peice of glass with a crack down the middle, just waiting to shatter into a million pieces……. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it really means a lot to me to know that people care. : /