Never felt so betrayed. Please…is anyone there. Im all alone
Emptysince
Got a voicemail from the county today saying someone called and expressed concern for my well being. Just what i need. I refuse to get locked up and treated like a guinea pig. Im on meds..sorry they aren’t working and therapy doesnt do shit. I hate paying someone to listen to my problems. Fuck that. Its never worked for me. Why cant life be optional? Why do we all have to sit here in so much misery? And lastly why can’t i muster up the faith in myself that i can commit suicide and not fail at it? Please help.
Is there anyone else out there that does not want to get better? Its so weird to normal people but hoping someone can relate?
Please be honest….does anyone LEGITIMATELY remember a past life?
I made it through another day at work. Its getting harder and harder to fake it. Harder and harder to be around anyone in general. They know. I cant shut the thoughts off. The meds arent working. Reached out to an old therapist to see if she would see me. Havent heard from her. Its been over 48 hours. If everyday, and if every second of everyday, is consumed of thoughts about how to destroy myself, why am i so afraid to try. I will not ‘attempt’ at this. I will succeed. When will the fear of failure go away?
I just can’t take it anymore. All of my thoughts are wrapped around self destruction. Somehow acquiring a fatal dose of heroin or fentanyl (probably the least likely but sounds the most peaceful…), hanging my self in the attic with one of the girls’ leashes, or blowing my head off with a shotgun that I have yet to acquire. I just don’t want to live any more. I don’t want to exist. I dont want to do the day to day grind. I HATE LIFE. I didn’t ask to fucking be born. I have felt like this for 26 years. I dont belong here. I’m an […]
Saw this article today. Just thought of alot of you guys. I just say “you guys” because i have no fear or wonder of what happens…i just have the fear of failing.
https://www.yahoo.com/news/happens-die-brain-keeps-working-162947048.html
I hate that i envy someone who had enough balls to take their own life. But every time it happens…its my first thought. What a brave person. I wish i could just have the balls. I know a situation will eventually give me all the balls i need. But its just crazy and pathetic to feel envy and jealous over ones success at suicide.
Im so sick of it. Rolling with the punches. I feel like a hampster on its wheel…spinning and spinning…i just want it all to stop. Every day is the same, if not worse than the one before. I dont understand why i needed to be born.
I always see people on here who say they feel alone or lonely. I just need you to know that relationships/engagements/marriages arent always the answer. Im in a marriage and have never felt more alone in my life. But he would never be my reason for suicide. The depression and self hate stems MUCH deeper than that. Just know the […]
The day i dread every effing year. After all my whole life was/is a mistake in the first place. Its coming…the day is coming and i dont want it to come this year and i can stop it. I have the power and the plan this year and ive never had that. Its the fake attention and the people suddenly noticing your existence. And the next day your gone again. Happy effing birthday. At least thats how i felt about it when i was younger…a child. Now i dont care. I just dont want to live at all. And that day is coming. I can […]
I was gone! I had peace and quiet and nothingness. No more pain,no more sound, no more feelings, no more emotions. Total black and total silence and i was at peace….
And then they woke me up…confused, lightheaded, dizzy, and most of all so fucking sad. I couldn’t remember the familiar faces in front of me…my husband and my 2 friends…it took a few minutes for everything to come back.
My one friend was giving me a chair massage and i strattled the chair back resting my head on it. Next thing i knew they were standing over me on the ground. My other friend said i […]
I feel i am incapable of happiness. I feel like at this point i dont even want happiness. After being miserable for so long i know happiness is always temporary and it all comes back to this stabbing empty pain of darkness and emptyness. I wasnt cut out for this world. I wasnt cut out to be around people. Im a mistake and a waste of life. I literally just want to die and wish i wasnt such a coward and could do it already. Like i said before…i know something will trigger it and the time will come…i cant live like this forever and […]
I am so overwhelmed with urge to commit today i just dont know what to do. And this quote comes to mind. Someone from this website shared it with me and i think it has really stuck with me.
“Killing oneself is anyway a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “he fought so hard”. And they are inclined to say about suicide that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is in fact quite wrong.”
So if you have been reading my posts ive felt this way for a very very long time but ive never felt as down and as low as i have for the last 4-5 weeks. Luckily ive found an association…unfortunately not a cure. Anyone have mirena iud?!?! Anyone have mirena iud and pre existing suicidal depression? Recipe for disaster! Fyi…no doctors warned me of this. I was on regular birth control pills for 15 years and switched to an iud immediately. 6 weeks later i was a completely different person (aside from my normal depressed /suicidal state). Crying all day, hiding in my office at […]
Always having this reoccurring theme of feeling ready to die. Pleading that it will happen. Wondering why those not ready to go or those who want to live must be taken. Feel like im not good enough to die. If i tried to take things in to my own hands id fail at killing myself just as i have at absolutely everything else in my life. Id forever be brain injured and disabled and i cant stand to know ive failed at the one and only thing i have needed for my entire existence. I shouldnt have been born in the […]
Try bringing it up with your closest friends or family. The ones you should be able to lean on. The ones who should be there for you on your darkest days. They immediately want to run from you and change the subject. Look if i have to deal with suicidal thoughts 24/7 they can listen to what i have to deal with for 2 minutes. I tried with my husband last night and this is what happened. I told him to stop changing the topic and to stop running from my daily demons and from what i deal with constantly. He listened for a few […]
Anyone ever tell you to just “snap out of it.” It infuriates me. Let me tell ya..i chose to be snapped in this misery forever!!! Nobody understands! And we are alone.
This world, this place, this “life”. Ive been ready since i was 7. And no one particular event initiated it. I am genuinely a miserable, depressed person, who has no ambition or goals, who is going no where in life. The reason i exist is for my dogs. I couldn’t hurt them and leave them wondering. I couldn’t just turn my back on them. Not when they have been through this whole shit show with me. Why was i born? What good did that serve anyone?
Ive learned in life to never count on anyone but yourself in any situation because you can only hold yourself […]