so yesterday I tried to kill myself… it first started off with my having an emotional rage; I was yelling, cussing, crying, and screaming. Then did I go in my room and started cutting myself repeativley… in patterns. When I was about to go deep to where I can cut a tendon my sister walks in the room and sees my with blood everywhere, she tries to get the knife from me, but we just fought over it… later that night me and my boyfriend broke up because he was still talking to his ex… something inside of me just died and I was in complete tears… I knew I didn’t want to live anymore so I took a bunch of pain killers… I started to feel a little sick and I was feeling regret, so I tried my best to throw them up and I did… just the thought and feeling right now that I could’ve been dead is just aching in my heart.
So I have been cutting lately again and have gone back into deep depression. I actually want help this time, so I want to see a therapist. I asked my mom if I could and she just asked “Why?” and I said “Just to have someone to talk to.” What else can I say to convince her, but without her knowing I cut again.
The thing about religion
You have to act perfect
Go to their youth groups
Pray all the time
What’s the downs about religion?
Oh I’ll tell you
You get judged all the time
Stared at rudely
Being called the “devil”
Just because I stated my thoughts
They say they won’t judge you
But they do
I would think of religion as of something I would feel comfortable having
But I guess I was wrong
A bunch of hypocrites, can I say?
Not even they can stop me now
Boy, Iâ€™ll be flying overhead
Their heavy words canâ€™t bring me down
Boy I’ve been raised from the dead
No one even knows how hard life was
I don’t even think about it now because
I’ve finally found you
Oh, sing it to me
American dreams came true somehow
I swore I’d chase until I was dead
I heard the streets were paved with gold
That’s what my father said
I am a over thinker
Usually at night all of my problems run to my head and hit me like a freight train
I can’t do anything about it because everyone is asleep
I can’t cry because they will hear me
I can’t scream either
Literally all I can do is lay there all numb bottling up my thoughts
Later it leads to me over thinking things that arn’t even true
That my mind is just making up
And I’m believing it
I start to get fusturated, mad, sad, wanting to hurt someone
But instead I hurt myself
I grab the sharp edge and press it against my coarse skin
Soon the blood starts coming
And the pain goes away
Then it leads to regret
Why did I do it again?!
I was suppose to quit!
I’m so stupid.
Then the cycle repeats.
I’ve been cutting since 7th grade. In 7th grade is when I first got bullied, some girl called me ugly, I told her off, she got her friends to go kick my ass blah blah blah. I dropped out half the year and decided homeschooling would be better for me, but no. It got worse, it lead to cyber bullying. I went back in 8th grade thinking it would actually be better since new people will come in, it was actually way worse than the year before. Rumors went around and what not. I left half that year also. During that summer, I made a great friend. I’ve known him basically since 1st grade, but we never really talked ever before that. He started gaining feelings for me, I gained feelings for him. He made me happy. Confident. He made other people’s opinions about me not matter anymore. But of course I didn’t want to date him because I thought it would ruin our friendship. He left me for about 6 months, I finally got the guts to talk to him again on New Years. We apologized to Each other. Oh wait don’t let me forget how those 6 months were. All 3 of my dogs died, my grandpa died, I lost my sisters respect, I got abused, bullied, and had to deal with all of that by myself. Anyways, we recently became friends again. More than friends, we’ve been dating for almost a month now. I love him and all, but I just don’t feel love. It’s different than it was before. Last night all of his friends confessed to me that they all hate me, I said to myself “Why should I stay anymore?” I cut like a week before that because I was upset than ever. I also just cut 2 hours ago, because I felt worthless. So, I of course always want to be with him and hang out with him all the time. He has a girl bestfriend which is the problem. Let me just fucking say, SHE USES HIM. Yes he is rich, no I don’t like him for his money, I like him for everything other than that. I hate the fact that he is rich. It sickens me. I feel like he likes her more than he likes his girlfriend. So this little **** decides to put me on blast last night and brings all of her friends into it. I was bullied to the max. I took a bunch of pills and passed out to try to forget about it. It’s still stuck in my head and rotting there. I’d also like to mention how whenever me and my boyfriend do hang out he just wants to do sexual things. I feel like that’s all he wants out of me. I don’t know what to do. I tried to stay clean. I was clean for a year. But now everything just turned to chaos.
I’m not really wanted here at my home, my town, or my school. People even say it to me. Everyone seems to be strait up with me. Like “No one even likes you here, just leave already.” “If you take all of your medication and die no one would even care.” I mean like, I ignore them. But I can see why they don’t like me, I don’t even like me. Haha. I’m ugly, I’m too quiet, I never talk, I’m weird, I stare too much, I try to be smart in school (but get judged for it), my whole life revolves around my dead dog. Like I’m a total freak! Anyways, last night was another big freight train. Literally, a whole post was about me, a couple people actually backed me up. But others just made fun of me and told me to kill myself (of course). I’m basically used to all of this now. My normal days consist of: Waking up, getting yelled at for being late because I couldn’t wake up (insomnia), going to school, having everyone give me a dirty look, have a couple say a few mean things, get yelled at and embarrassed in class, go home, lay in bed, cry my eyes out for about 20 mins, try to find whatever is sharp enough to pierce through my skin (since my parents took away everything I had to harm myself), cut myself, take some pills and pass out. My family doesn’t talk to me much, when they do they always yell and me and call me some mean names, my brother abuses me so I try not to go outside my room much. This town is just full of a bunch of stuck up preppy bitches, and meth heads. Everyone here is judgmental and they don’t care about anyone, but themselves. Oh here I go blabbing on and on and on, I’m really just wanting to express my feelings here. Anyways I’ll continue, well I’m only 15, diagnosed with depression, schizophrenia, and bi-polar. It has tooken over my life, I’m trying to get better. Ive been to counseling, therapy, mental hostpitals, and rehab; it’s all a joke. None of it actually works. My medication calms me down a bit, but not much. I don’t want to be selfish and just take my life away just like that, even though that’s what it might come to I if I don’t change soon. My first attempt at suicide was when my bestfriend passed away last year. She was my everything, I looked forward to her everyday, to hug her, kiss her, snuggle with her, and just tell her I love her more than anything. She was 14, she was my twin (even though she’s a dog, we were still born the same day, year, an hour.) I basically took pain killers, started throwing up uncontrollably, and was carried away to the hostpital, got my stomach pumped, sent to a mental institute. After that, everyone knew the real me. Everyday day I have a fake smile on my face so people won’t bother me, everyday I feel like I’m suffering. I know there’s more out there that have worse life’s, but it’s just so hard not to tell everyone what’s going on. I mean like I don’t want to bottle it all up. Please help me.