The sadness is a heavy weight in my chest, a deep empty feeling.
It’s better than being angry, I think, but this pain is so consuming. If I’m not actively distracting myself (and even sometimes when I am) I can just feel her absence, the loss.
I don’t want to feel this way. I’m so tired of being sad. And even worse, I think I’d be happy if my heart wasn’t broken. After ten years I finally feel like my depression is lifting, but I still feel incredibly sad anyway.
It still feels unreal, that she left. She’s my best friend- I was her best friend- and I thought we could get through anything. I thought she was willing to fight for us. I don’t know if it matters why she left, but that she could do it. That she no longer wants to be with me. I know it doesn’t have to do with me being “not good enough” but it still feels like I failed- I failed to be the person she wanted to be with, to be the person she’d always fight for. It hurts so much that she choose not to be with me, that she doesn’t think of me as family.
And we still haven’t fully separated our stuff. I don’t know if that’ll make it better, once we no longer have to see or talk to each other. Or maybe that would be worse. Part of me wants to let go of her, to push those feelings away- having the separation be final would help I’d think. But the other part of me can’t bare it- I still feel like she’s family. How can I give up on that, on her? I want her so much but I also don’t want to want her- I want to be fucking happy for once.
I am so incredibly sad that I never got to experience being with her and not being depressed, and that she never got to experience it either. I wish I had gotten the TMS sooner or that we’d have lasted just another month or two. I was so close to not being depressed and being happy with my life situation. For years I never thought it was possible, but then it seemed like it would- only to fall apart only weeks before.
I really want to have someone to share my life with, to be my best friend, to have a family with. I know, factually, that can still happen. But right now I feel so lonely and hurt. I want to move on and to find “my person”, but I know that won’t happen for a while. Who knows how long it’ll take to get over her and who knows how I’ll meet someone I want to date- I don’t exactly have much of a social life. And being sad really doesn’t help with making friends or anything more. I felt like I’d only met her out of luck, that I was so lucky to have found someone so perfect for me. I can’t imagine how I’d get so lucky again.
Great, now I’m crying- I miss her so much it feels unbearable.