My wife wants in. She’s afraid all the time I’m going to kill myself. She’s right. I don’t know how to let her in. I’m a prisoner of myself. I want to be free. Let me out.
I have been angry before. I’ve even had rage before. Never before tonight have I had the urge to hurt someone else. I held it down long enough to quickly escape to the shower where I released my rage on my face and the wall. I’m out now, I have two black eyes, a sore jaw, and multiple busted knuckles. It temporarily satisfied the monster inside me..I don’t know when it will come out again….
You’re on all sides. Speaking to me. Watching me. Breathing in my ears. I can feel you. I can hear you. You’re telling me I am not worth a shit. I believe you. I am not. Imminent fear. Impending doom. My heart beating through my chest, the inability to catch my breath. I want out. I am weary of this, I am weary of doctors, I am just weary. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I am collapsing. Free me. Through death. Slit my throat, jump from a high bridge to an unforgiving surface below, overdose. Free me. You’re inviting me to freedom through death. I just want out.
Failure is only noticed when it affects other people. Instead of pointing out my failures, why can’t people just let me fade into obscurity? Leave me alone, leave me to my own devices, leave me with a knife, a gun or anti freeze, arsenic, SOMETHING! Don’t point out my failures. Even the ones that affect other people. Leave me be. Leave me alone with my thoughts, alone to conjure up methods to try. Hell I’m such a failure I can’t even kill myself correctly. I’ve tried 10 times at least. I’ve overdosed on everything I have access to. I mean major overdose.
There are lots of people in this world that are physically worse off than I am physically. The only positive thing I can say, is I am glad I do not have to endure their pain, and I am sorry they hurt.
I have neuropathy, arthritis throughout my body from my feet( in the words of the Podiatrist “you have more arthritis than a 90 year old”) to my back, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis in the lumbar and thoracic spine, bulging discs. Back to my feet. I have a subtalar coalition. Fancy words for fused joints. This was not done surgically. This is as a result of other deformities that caused me to walk wrong over many years resulting in the joints fusing together. It hurts like hell.
Most people that know me and my collective issues all say the same thing, “get on disability”. Yeah, well I’ve been trying for 3 years. I am up for a hearing now, but it wont be until January, with a decision not expected for up to 6 months following.
No wonder I am depressed, no wonder I would rather cease to exist than to burden my family any longer.
All my life I’ve been taught to suppress my emotions. Boys don’t cry. Men don’t cry. Suck it up. Be tough. How do I suppress the emotions of being molested by my sister? Am I supposed to suck it up and be tough and “do what your sister tells you” when she’s using a 5 year old boy for her twisted sadistic pleasure? Was I supposed to be tough? If that wasn’t bad enough, to be punished for it by my parents at the hand of religious fundamentalism. Emotions. Can we start with anger? My father. The tough one. The one that verbally, physically, and mentally abused me. Yelled at me for spilling milk. Yelled at me for getting grease on the seatbelt of his brand new econo box Pontiac. Yelled at me for bad grades in school while completely ignoring the bullies at the perrochial school I attended. Constant criticism no matter what I did. Yelled at me every time I acted out, starved for his attention, driving me to a place of seeking his approval for so long and never getting it I finally just stopped caring. I don’t give a wet fart in the wind about him anymore. He yelled at my mother nearly constantly. Not a spirited discussion between two adults. I mean beligerant name calling, throwing things at her and us, slamming doors, punching holes in the wall, and watching him hold my assailant sister against the wall while drawing his fist back for lights out. He was very controlling, condescending, and critical of everything and everyone except the people he liked and the ideas he gave them. Every dime my mom spent he knew about. She had a job contributing to the household’s finances yet she got 10$ a week spending money while he spent 10$ a day between morning coffee at Denny’s, vending machine snacks, and cigarettes. Yeah. I’d say I’ve got some anger. How does someone punish a 5 or 6 year old boy for following the instructions I was given by him? Knowing what prompted my sister to use me like that, why were we not immediately withdrawn from that school? He blames the administration of the school for not searching lockers. I blame him. Immediate withdraw with extreme prejudice or continue subjecting a 6 year old boy to the jeering and bullying of her fellow classmates who not only prompted the whole thing, but encouraged it while it was happening. Yeah, I’ve got anger issues.
How did dear old dad deal with this family issue? Police? No. Backyard justice? No. Following the advice of a far right wing fundamentalist? Right. At 6 years old I was confined to my room for 30 days. Meals were served in my room. No school. No weekend activities except for church. No friends. No toys. No books to read except the Bible. No video games. Absolutely nothing to occupy a 6 year old boy’s hands and mind except an archaic book with little relevance to me then or now.
There’s peace in apathy. I just don’t give a flying flip anymore.
Caring hurts. Apathy allows an existence barely ambivalent to everything and everyone.
He would spank me over the smallest infraction. Spilled milk. Spanking. Not up for church on time. Spanking. Expressing my opinion. Spanking. Not just a pop on the butt to make a point. I’m talking a belt or wooden paddle, not just once or twice but multiple occasions of more than 10 swats. One time I brought home some seriously bad grades, and a lot of them. I think there were 17-20 below average scores. I got two whippings for every F and one for every D. All the while ignoring what I’d told them about the nightmares I had about my sister assaulting me. That wasn’t important. It had already been dealt with. If shoving it under the rug so the family doesn’t see our dirty laundry flapping in the wind, then yes it was dealt with. If sending me to a so called counselor, who was really a crooked backhanded fundamentalist who later claimed that not only did I entice my sister to molest me for a year or more, but I enjoyed it and encouraged it! More psychological abuse. Yeah I got anger problems, and we’re just getting started.
Life. Aka torment. Death. Escape, silence, peace. Aka better than torment. God. A puppet master who has us all on strings, bringing about calamity or blessing according to his sick, twisted, self serving will. Failure. My life is riddled with it. My life as a whole defines it. Purpose. We have none. See above. Don't really care anyway. Get me out. I need to escape this torment. The voices tell me I'm weak and worthless. An utter waste of existence and a gross disappointment to everyone that knows me or claims to love me. The voices are there constantly. Running me down. Confirming everything they tell me everyday through my sorry excuse of an existence. Failure. That's what the voices say. I'm a failure at marriage, at parenting, at working, at life in general. You are so pathetic, you fail at failing. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. They chant. Over and over and over. Not just a failure, a miserable failure. Please I just want out. Out of this world, out of this life, out of this torment, out of this pain. You're looking over my shoulder, waiting to criticize whatever I do. I see you from the corner of my eye. When I turn to see you, you hide. I know who you are. I know why you show up. You think it's funny, but it fucking scares me. You're not alone. I've seen others. A dark shadow. A persona of someone I knew once. You're flighty, just showing up when I'm vulnerable and pushing me to the edge of sanity. One of these days, I'm going to break. I can't do this anymore.