falling_soup

It has been a while since my last post. I always seem to come back though. I have always used posting here as a way to let the sadness out and put it somewhere. I have carried my pain and sadness with shame for years like it doesn’t belong here and it’s embarrassing. I want to push it away somewhere and not think about it for a while. If I have a panic attack, the tears don’t stop and the emotions I have pushed down come exploding out. Yet, I do not want anyone to see me like this. I do not want to tell the person I live with because they wouldn’t understand. I just want to hide or disappear for a while, I do not want them to see the pain I am in. It just feels like the same old boring story with me. I am ashamed and too hard on myself, sure.. but I am also done feeling stuck on the same bad ride. That being said, I also hold myself back and put everyone else first. I am not OK and I am not sure if I will ever be. I am stuck in a situation that feels like my choice. I am a pathetic adult.

I stay in my current situation for all the wrong reasons. I am done guilt-tripping myself into thinking I owe them something. When I first joined this site years ago, I was an emotionally broken teenager trying to cope with not only my living situation with my mother but a bad break up with someone I still love and trying to get through high school. I think people underestimate people at such a young age for thinking they are in love or that they do not know what love is. I felt that I loved (and still love) them and us breaking up hurt. I wish I could tell them that I still love them. I wish I was still with them. I think one of my biggest regrets is not trying again with them a few years ago. I feel like maybe I am setting my expectations too high or something. I know I deserve to feel happiness and love in my life as guilty or selfish as I think that sounds, it is true. I want to be anywhere but here and yet I have stayed in it for so long because I settled. I hope that soon enough I am no longer in my current situation. I hate myself for not doing what I need to do for myself yet and be on my own. I need someone who puts the same love, time, and energy into a relationship as I do. I have held myself back for so long because I know what’s ahead is scary. I know it will be tough but I think I will be much happier once I put this part of my life behind me. I am exhausted pretending that I am at all content with what I have in my life. I have this plan that once I am done with college then my current situation can change because less of my life is up in the air. I just do not want to waste so much time I let what I still want in my life slip by. I am done worrying about someone I resent putting first.

I am done feeling so sad and angry about where I am in my life right now. I have pushed myself up a hill alone. I am not close with family, I am isolated from a lot of my friends, I have gone through some of the toughest of times alone. I want a relationship where I feel loved and like what I go through matters. I am not going to keep ignoring how I am feeling just because it is easy. I do not want to hide my panic attacks or my bad days from someone I love. I want to know someone is going to be there for me just like I will be there for them. I want to be loved. I need to feel like there is someone in my life who cares enough to see all of the ugliness. I am done screaming and crying alone. I need someone in my life who can love all of me, not just parts. I have not loved anyone as much as I loved him.

I am broken and disgusted with myself. Forget all the pain and regrets I have, I am drowning and I can’t breathe. I need some air soon or what I am fighting for may not be worth it down the road, I wish I felt supported and like there was somewhere I could turn to. I suppose I am holding my expectations of what could change or what could happen down the road to high. I am broken and pathetic. I am hurting and I want the pain to go away. I want to get out of my own skin. I wish I could stop breaking and put myself back together. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, I am done feeling broken and unfixable.

When I think about you I get sick. I feel myself wanting to crawl out of my own skin. I want to scratch myself out from the inside. I would do anything to get you out of my head and out of my heart. I hate what you have done too me. I hate that I get scared or cry because of you. I know I am safe but my mind can not escape you. I hate you so much, I hate everything you did. It has been almost 2 years since you decided you could do what you did. Since you thought you could win. You do not dare deserve a place, but fuck dude you are the one who decided to make the wound. This scar will always be here, the one I blame myself for each and everyday. I wish I could scream at you. I wish you new how much that year hurt. I hope you think twice before you manipulate and hurt someone else. I hope you think about what happened here, what you did. I feel so empty, I feel so worthless. I can not always pretend that you didn’t hurt me, that what you did to me that year didn’t suck. I exposed myself, I showed a side of myself I  only trusted you with. You have ruined me forever, you have taught me how to hold my walls up and when I think I trust, only to build up a higher and stronger one. I think about what you did too me all the time. When will wanting to go for a drive late at night or eating soft serve by the beach , going to  a lake or seeing the sunset in the mountains make me NOT think of you.

I will always blame myself, I will only wish I had never became your friend that year or let you did what you did. I hope this haunts you forever. Fuck, you know I write here, I hope you see this. I hope you know I hate you you. You hurt me, I will never forget that.

I really just want to die. I just want to stop feeling so much pain and sadness. I wish I could wash it away or wave some magic wand and not feel the intoxicating hug of my depression. I am done pretending that I can get through this or that its going to get better, I have no way of knowing the future. I think about how I could just vanish and not have to feel so ashamed or pathetic, I don’t really self harm anymore it doesn’t help get the pain to go away, I think about trying again all the time. I feel so disgusting and I just want to crawl out of my own skin. I need this all to be over.

I am not sure how much longer I will continue to push down or sit on the emotions I am struggling to keep out. I am thinking about trying again. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending it’s going to be OK or the light is at the end of the tunnel. I am done trying to pretend that this is going to get better. I can’t keep holding on to hope anymore.

wishing you could be different or a better person can be different for everyone. For me, all I want is to not be depressed. I want the terrible thoughts and the dark emotional clouds to go away. I sit and wish every moment I was gone. I wish that I could feel okay, like I was cared for. I hate that I feel I should rely on others but when others come to take all of my love away and can’t give any of it back… It stings, just a little. The emotional pain that sits and stirs around in my heart.. Some of it is never going to go away, some should get better with time, or so that is the lie I tell myself everyday. “some of the pain will go away with time, although the some of the scars are permanent not all of them will stay forever.”

I was wrong. I was very very wrong. When I love someone, when I care for someone, I care, I love, with all of my heart. Perhaps I just put too much of my love in someones hands. When it dies, when is abused and smashed to a thousand pieces, that is when the wounds become those years of scaring.

I wish I could turn around and hug the person in this room who says they love me, who says they care, who says they want me to tell them my pain. What they say is manipulative, it is fake. They abuse and manipulate my heart. All I want is the biggest hug and for them to take the tears I have and make them stop. But yet it will never happen, because all I am is a waste of space.

I sound pathetic and stupid. But this was someone I used to talk to, someone I used to tell things, the person I talked out of ending it. The person who did the same for me. The person who would be supportive when I self harmed not abused me when I did.

I thought about reaching out to an ex, someone who knew me so well. Someone who I would consider a friend. They pushed me away a long time ago when I did it to them I wish I could tell them about the pain and the hurt. I wish I could be there for them. They are an ex for a reason but I still love them.

I wish I wasn’t trapped in all of the verbal abuse, the manipulation. I wish I could be free. I want to travel, go be alone. I would rather be physically alone than mentally alone. It is too dark and cold inside my head for me to bare for much longer.

I need a break, I need to get out. If getting the terrible words, thoughts and feelings to stop depends on me getting out. I will have to soon before the terrible words, thoughts and feelings get me to end it. I will fade away faster than the blink of an eye. I will be gone like the wind blowing dust far far away. My world is slowly turning to complete darkness and silence and I am terrified.

I recently let my mental health control my college education AGAIN. I thought after the two hospitalizations and the constant risk of being homeless almost 2 years ago I would have learned my lesson. I lost my financial aid, I can’t pay rent because I am shitty at keeping a job. I am going through one of my credit cards going to collections because I fucked up how their payment process worked. I am damaged because I was raped. I have depression and I hate myself for not letting the right people in and the wrong people in. I wish I could just be some degree of a functional adult.I just sat here and cried about how I could not talk to an ex who became a really good friend and then I lost. I would love to talk to him. I thought about it, I got fucking triggered because I saw some photo of him in the city I was raped and where the rapist was moving back too really soon. I felt so ashamed. I can’t even try and fix something with someone who I really wish I could talk too. He was my first love, but he was also my best friend. I pushed him out last year, and I wish I hadn’t. I feel so pathetic because I wish I had him right now or someone I fucking felt safe with to talk to. I am sitting here, alone. BEING PATHETIC. BEING THIS WASHED UP PERSON WHO CAN NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I have considered trying to attempt  again. NO BEING A PATHETIC IDIOT AND RUNNING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. I will find a method that is successful and get me out of here quick. I need to stop being a waste of space. I need to stop being here. I can not keep trying to do this. I keep sitting here in the shitty of cycle of crashing and burning. I am done. I need to stop thinking that it gets better because somehow in my fucking universe I am continuously in one shitty situation after another.

I just want the pain to end and the tears to stop. I want the sadness to be over. I want to be gone.

I am not sure what to write or how to describe how I am feeling. why do I keep trying to cover up the scrapes with band-aids. The depression came along and then the anxiety trailed in after it. then the PTSD showed up to grab my hand. I wish I did not have to feel the way I do, I let the thoughts and the pain drown me.

I can’t think straight, all I want to do is numb the pain, all I want to do is wash it all away.

I really wish I could better describe how I am feeling right now. I probably will just sleep and continue covering up the scrapes with band-aids.

I hate that I try to be here. That I keep fighting. I go to therapy and lately or sometimes I don’t even feel like going. I feel empty and deflated. I try to move forward and make progress for others. I somehow convince myself that I am here for some of the few people that need me. I know I am worthless and I am a waste of space and it would be better for everyone if I died. People would worry less, my obligations to certain family members would stop. When I fall, I have no one to help me up. I scraped my knee and the ones who say they love me the most can’t help. I am done trying to pull myself up again and again. I have tried to kill myself 3 times last year and some of those attempts fully well could have worked. I got worried about clean up and how a roommate would feel about finding their dead roommate. I got help, I drank charcoal, I detoxed , I sat in a hospital for 2 weeks.  I got medically cleared before sitting in a psychiatric ward. I have pushed myself to move forward and live my life however that may look like, the thing is, I should of been dead when I was 13. I was partying with friends, doing drugs, cutting myself. I didn’t care after I was dumped by boyfriend or after my dad died and my mom became abusive. People think I had every right to kill myself during that time, I was bullied, I was hurting emotionally, I did not care what would happen. I wish I could pick myself up and move forward but it gets harder and harder when the sadness is constant. I feel like I can’t break free from how I feel. I just want to turn it all off and walk away from it. I do not need someone to fix me. Therapy, medicine, fuck that. I have been in treatment for my depression since I was 8. I really do not think I am fixable. Nothing I try really works. I just hate myself. I hate who I am, and I hate the situation I either put myself in or get put in. I am done crying and crying, I am done trying to cope with my anxiety and the nightmares. I am done trying to get up again alone. I am done trying to do this constant up hill battle. I need a way out and I will find one. I won’t set a date, no more dates or planning. I will do it when the time feels right, I will plan my method of course, I need something that works, consistent vomiting and a trip to the ER. I need this to work. and when I am ready to step into the darkness and let my depression win. I will. My depression is a long term illness and it will kill me. I have tried to not let it, and for all these years I have managed somehow, but now, I really don’t care.

_ Soup

Yesterday marked a year since I was sexually assaulted. Today is the aftermath of what happened a year ago. Going to the ER, calling to report the crime, the shame, the labels, people not believing my story. I feel like I am standing on the top of this hill and its cloudy. I can see the dark clouds rolling and I know its happening. The blades of grass is blowing in the wind around me, the sky is turning darker and darker. I can feel it becoming colder and the rain starts. When it rains it pours. The intrusive thoughts, the little will I have left to keep myself upright, the wind makes one big push and I fall. I fall hard. The wind is keeping me pushed down as I lay flat on my back and watch the storm go by, its cold, dark and rainy. People close to me are pushed out and a large glass cup is placed over me. They can’t see I am struggling and if they do they can’t get in. How long is the storm going to stay this time? I am not sure. The sad thoughts are like my safety blanket. Whenever things feel okay the thoughts come over and hug me tight. I am constantly depressed. When I laugh or smile, it’s like putting  a band aid over a small cut. It feels better and it can start healing, but when I feel sad its like the  band aids rip off and I am faced with the hurt all over again. The mask I put on, the adhesive falls right off when it no longer needs to be on. I am falling apart yet I am hanging on by a thread. I some people have told me that after my father died he gave me the strength that I carry everyday, I do not think that is the case and I hate that people tell me that. My therapist told me that last week, I didn’t want to tell her I did not need her to tell me that, I just sit in anger. I carry myself for whatever reason because there are some people who give a damn or who would be heart broken if I gave up. I am a push over, some would say. I think that because they care I am here for them. I hate that people say that you need too be here for yourself and no one else. I have been my own damn best friend for years. I do NOT need to be here for myself, I can be here for whatever damn reason I am here for. I hurt, and I hurt and I break and I wear down and I hate myself and I hate who I am because I think I am weak. I want to self harm. I think it has been 6 months since I last did. but I am sure I’ll break soon.

I have to put my mask on and go to work.

Until next time.

Soup.

I miss talking to you. You were my emotional band-aid. I wish I could tell you about how I feel and what happened too me. I wish that I could have you in my life again. I hate that I always pull myself away and  decide against it. I hate that I miss you, I know it is not the right thing to do or have moved on. I miss you. You were a good friend and I miss you. I loved you and I still do in some way. You could make me feel better but also hurt me the most. I just miss you. I need you to know I am sorry. No I am not wanting a relationship with you, not now , not ever. It hurts to say that.. I can’t remember why I love you sometimes. I just do love you and I do care about you and I do not want a relationship with anyone right now. I am broken. I am never going to be good enough for him or you. I lost you a long time ago, but I miss my best friend. I hate how broken I am and how un fixable I am. I feel like a worthless waste of space.

Feeling like the dark clouds above my head won’t stop coming over. The rain, the down pour, the thunder and wind, I feel like I am suffocating. The solid ground beneath me is tearing open and I am going to fall right through it. I feel so alone and  worthless. I keep waiting for things to get better and they only get worse. I feel that my dark clouds are here to stay for a while. I hate it when the  storm settles over me. It really is just a matter of time before I try again. I worked so hard I thought to never have to feel that way again. I mean I felt so numb and dull, like I just needed to find a way to get by and then somehow I could see it getting better, It just isn’t. I thought about cutting again, but it does not stop the pain like it used too. I want to fade away to darkness. The storm will sweep me away and then it will stop. The damage will be permanent but nothing anyone can rebuild from and the best part? The storm will be gone, the sun will shine and silent tears will be present.

Thanks for reading,

Soup.

Things seem so much more different. I think about you so much it hurts. I am so emotionally damaged after all these years I still think you are my band-aid. You emotionally break me down. I have not talked to you in a  year. Stop walking in and out of my life. I have been stomped on. I have more shit on my plate than thinking about the should of’s or the what if’s. Thinking about you and how I wish I could talk to you. It hurts just even thinking about it. I think about all of those reasons. The reasons why I felt so alone or why I would cut myself or why I would use drugs.. It was because I relied on the person who told me they loved me, that if we were together by our senior year you were going to propose. Everything we went through together, you are like the one ex I can not just let go. I love you and I need to let you go. You are better off without me. I write this thinking about what you would say if I told you what happened.. How you would be there, and yet… I know I lost you August 23,2012. When you  broke up with me, how empty and crushed I felt. I joined this website after … I tried to kill myself.. It was a tough breakup. People say they think I had every right to try and kill myself after what had happened. After all of the things I was dealing with at home.. You said that you still loved me last year. You had to forget me after.. You dropped out of school shortly after I went to treatment. You were the best thing that ever happened too me. When you asked me if I would go back to be with you and that we  could try again, trust me I wanted too. I did what I thought was right and I went back to the current. I guess I still am angry, and with being raped almost a year ago.. I somehow was angry that I was not married to you living off somewhere.. that somehow I got myself in this situation.. I would of never met Rory. I would of never left for Michigan. I would of had you. I would of had what I wanted, and you were my world. I remember all of the hurt and the pain. How I badly I just want to run away from all of this. Leave where I am and just be with you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I hate how much I love you sometimes. You know me so well and the way you care..  Cris.. You will always be my band-aid. You make me feel better the best but you also know how to hurt me the most.

I am sorry. I guess I just wish I could just be in a place where none of this pain I feel right now could not be. I lost that part of me that knows how to be strong. I am weak.. You know after we broke up I never thought that I would of even gotten to talk to you now. I mean I just thought it would be like any other break up and it would stop hurting. It never has stopped hurting. I just want you back. I want to leave. I want to drop everything and go back. I just need you. I need to commit to leaving him and I know that.. I can save some money.. I hate how much of my heart you take up. You were my everything.. I said that already but its true. I thought about getting “you” tattooed.. Cris you were my first love. You still are. I guess I am not sure why I am so hung up on you and why you hurt so bad.

I hate thinking about you. It brings me some of the worst sadness and also some of the greatest joy. It’s hard because I also need to remember why I can’t go back to you. I guess I am still not really sure why 100% but I have some thoughts.

I blame myself for so many things. You leaving me was your choice and I know that.

I’m sorry for my rant, I do feel a little bit better,

Thanks,

Soup.

The pain, emotionally, it has this way of creeping up on you, like a dark cloud you see in a distance on a sunny warm afternoon.  The way it’s presence can just be noticed and then dismissed. looks like it is going to rain later, I thought to myself and then shrug it off. You think you have control over what you are feeling. You think that you actually can see the first drop of rain before the storm. When it rains it pours and thunders. I try to cover my wounds with band-aids but the rain just washes them off. I always think about why I am still trying to keep going. I guess the right answer is for myself and to keep fighting, but I could care less. I am here on someone’s selfishness. I have very few people who I think would even give a slight f*ck about me giving up. I know I would make some people angry or hurt. I try to be here for them, make support system I have to keep my upright. I feel so spineless when I think about dying. The inner demons winning. The coward inside me that can not keep fighting anymore. Yet.. it feels so nice it feels like it would be the most peaceful thing.. I guess depending how I ended up..

Although I am not personally religious, I always wondered if I would see my dad when I died. I would  give anything just to spend one hour with him, tell him I miss him.. I need some comfort. I am so lost and confused. Everything is scary and dark, and I feel like there is no way out. I have been trying to climb up that ladder into the light but I like it down here. Being sad has its own comforts but it is also nice to be happy. I go for months feeling okay, or at least okay with how things are in my life and then some months are the worst. I feel like I have nothing left,  I feel lifeless and like the breath has been taking right from my mouth. I feel like I am so alone and pathetic.

I emotionally shit on myself. I let those inner demons win. I started calling my suicidal ideation/depression/anxiety my inner demons or a monster once I started self harming and my panic attacks became a regular thing. I do not think my mental illness should win, I have fought so hard to keep going and to learn to start taking care of myself. I always think that I can do this when I know I can’t. I fight for whatever it is too keep me here and I go day by day. I want to curl up in bed and sleep. My boyfriend does not understand that part of my depression. I lie in bed because it feels safe, even though it doesn’t at the same time. After the rape, being in the same bed with even my dog or yet alone by boyfriend became like the hardest thing. I wake up more tired than I did going to bed, I get most of my sleep during the afternoons/evenings when I am home alone. It somehow feels better. I always thought how it would feel too look someone I knew and tell them these things, that I was raped and how real and awful that was, how the depression and anxiety got worse. How I do not even know how I still get out of bed most days. I can think of one person who I wish I could talk to about this. The ex that brought me on this website. He broke my heart and pushed me over the edge and I will never know why he left me, but he still loves me.. we talk on and off… I still love him.. I think that perhaps it was because he was my first but then I thought perhaps it is because I think he was supposed to be my forever, and then it just wasn’t.

I miss him, a lot. He wanted me to go back to be with him and start over, and yet I crawled back to my current. I thought that being with my current would be a healthier choice, and yet.. it feels so wrong. I feel like I am settling. I almost just want to be single for a while. Be alone. I need to heal and I feel like I am not able to just being in a relationship. I want to be with someone because they are good for me. I am having the hardest time even being able to figure this all out. Why I was raped, Why I am depressed, Why I am so anxious, Why I am suicidal. There are logical answers to this but yet I feel like that answer doesn’t answer it. I need a situation in my life that is stable, I need consistency and more importantly I need to feel hope. I feel like I have left that box of hope wide open and it’s flown away. I have not seen hope in over a year. I need to feel like I am making some kind of right choices for myself. I just feel like I can’t do anything right and I hate how that feels. I hate how I always feel like I need to be in a dark place to feel okay. I guess that is the only consistent thing since I was 13… The sadness, anxiety, darkness.

if decided to read this far.. Thank you. I have been on this website for over 6 years and it still my safe place to take what I am feeling and put it out.

Love Always,

Soup

you know what? I may not be harming myself physically anymore, but emotional pain, and wounds can’t be covered up with band-aids. You try and try to pull yourself together and stop the pain. Drugs, cutting, alcohol, you can not cover up that pain, you can not stop it when it demands to be felt. Finding a way out so to speak is near impossible. The emotional storm stops sometimes and you can smell the roses. trying to tear a hole into the ground and jump, is never how it goes. The actual way out can never be easy, that’s how it should be right? Intentional or not it still hurts, the anger, the shame, the guilt, when you fall down and fade away, it is placed as your fault. The should of could of or would have, it does not matter. Pain is real, it demands to be heard, whether you like it or not. It stands on a table and yells and blurts in your face. Then the cloud comes right behind it and the rain starts falling down. Depression is your responsibility right? It is on you to find help, therapist help you once a week at 4:00p.m, they are not there when the dark becomes black and the tears set in.

Opening you emotional first aid box, and pulling out some band-aids can’t stop this bleeding. You are all alone, with it, the darkness, the pain, the loneliness, the guilt, the sadness, you have to fight this emotional demon. I hate how things feel okay, and the storm subsides only to come back bigger and badder a few days later. or even months.

Trying to cope and battle with your first aid box does not always cure the turmoil and pain. It all feels so overwhelming and scary but if you were to look at yourself in the mirror, and listen.. There is nothing happening but the internal screaming and tears, “let me out” it screams… but you splash some water on your face, smile hold back the tears, re apply your mask.

I hate how I can never just feel okay. I hate how I get so depressed I just block everyone out because I do not want to feel like I am a burden or some pest. I hate how I bottle everything up but yet if there is someone I trust I spill out everything too and then they use it to take advantage or they get scared or just unable to be in my life because I have so much baggage. Well do not worry my dear friends because I hate myself. I hate all the extra bull shit I carry around and feel like it is never going to get better, that I am always going to be like this. I hate how I can just be sad for all these years, attempt suicide on so many occasions and then you know just get put in a hospital, and then out again. It’s been over a year since I last tried, but do not worry, I will toss myself out like garbage soon enough. After I was raped and for months with the police mishandling the case, the nightmares, the shitty doctors, I have had enough. I do not care to deal with this anymore. I hate how I feel all the time and how I think I can just somehow stand up to this and be okay. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN I AM A PERMANENT FUCK UP. All the times I try to get over myself and move forward, I lately have been doing this thing where I think about people I have dated before I was raped and how boy crazy I was and how everything was so stupid and care free. I like to think about how it was when I was thin and pretty, even though when I look back how much I HATED how I looked but still always had a man and friends and I was okay with shit when I was not cutting or fighting with my mom or being stupid.

I hate how I try and  cope, coping with depression is a battle only those who suffer understand, it is the constant uphill battle. I have been a user of this site for 6 years and it is my safe haven. I have hated the reasons why I first joined this site but I have never been more grateful for finding it

if you are reading this far, thanks for reading.

Soup

If I died, I think I could benefit some people. I could go somewhere like a train track or a bridge to hide the fact that I lived with my boyfriend from some of my family when they know I died. I could give the next of kin some of my savings. I don’t have much but it’s something. People would be free from my burden, no one would have to shit on me anymore, tell me I stress them out. I feel like I will never be better. I try and fix myself again and again but the same parts and pieces break off. I am a broken record. I hate myself and how I think I can beat my depression. like somehow it is going to just be okay again.

No babe I don’t love you. You sit here and tell me how worthless I am. You get stressed out by ME. That you can not handle the financial stress because of ME, its my fault you don’t have a good job, its MY fault I can not keep a job to support us. its MY fault I am 6 years younger, that I can not be like you. All inside your head and alone. I try and tell you how I feel but I guess I need to be an adult. I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T… You can’t be here for me when I need you the most. You blame me for all your problems. I will leave you.. ALL ALONE JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT. You can’t save me from the evil inside my head, you just sit there and encourage it. My depression is always trying to beat me and you just gave it an upper hand. You don’t get it. You are not someone I want to spend forever with, if I don’t leave you soon I might just try again. It’s been a little over a year since the last time I tried to die. I want this time to work. I have such a hard time seeing myself in the long term with you. You are a toxic person. There are so many reasons why I do not love you anymore. I hope you will see them all and change yourself, or not, be alone till the day you die. I can not be that girl for you. I am not your punching bag sweetheart. I seem to be really good at jumping from one shitty situation to another.

You ALSO should stop lying, be honest, if you like to be the filthy piece of shit you are, own it. I know I have. I hate every part of me. I want to die, I want to make it messy. I want to rub my death in your fucking face because you pushed me over the ledge, I know they say you should not blame yourself for someone’s suicide but I want you to blame yourself every day. SIT IN WHAT YOU DID. DEAL WITH IT. I am so hurt, I am tired, when I left the shitty situation with my mom, you just put me into another one. You are emotionally abusive, controlling and a narcissist.

If it’s not today, it will be soon. It’s nice to live by a train.

Love Always,

Soup

I have been feeling overwhelmed with how my depression will just show up out of nowhere. Major depression with reoccurring episodes. I can only about half of the time see when an episode is coming, the closer together my panic attacks are etc. I can only cope so well with this. I lately have been feeling like I have not need my anti depressants and whatever trauma I was going through I was prepared to feel it. I know feel my suicidial thoughts come and go and they are short and intense. My sadness is ongoing but those urges or feeling to cut again last for like ten or so minutes, I feel emotionally exhausted after and then it’s a cycle. I can’t really decide how I feel about needing to start anti depressants again.. I feel like a ant trapped under a glass cup

PS: IF THIS IS GROSS, TRIGGERING OR UPSETTING I AM SORRY (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

I read the comments to the last post I wrote. Leaving him would be nice, I get all wrapped up in my head and then I somehow eventually tell myself this is good for me. I am seeing a trauma therapist, working through my sexual assault and such. She noticed that I have put my work on that aside because all I do is talk about the toxic relationship I currently am in, she gave me some ideas on how to separate my self  from him and to make things work until I can move out. The car him and I share broke down and I ended up fixing it, but I ended up missing my appointment this week. which was fine at first, however the last half of my week has been a shit show. My depression has eaten me whole again. I was feeling fine and once I relapsed and cut on the 6th, the black cloud just came up and it stared pouring, the wind blew and pushed me down. I try and manage the emotional damage the best I can, I think things are better but then I struggle to find anything. I now I just woke up not to long ago as I write this post feeling suicidal. I have not had such bad suicidal thoughts that I felt I could not control since the last time I OD on a Lithium of Gedon  (No I do not have Bipolar -depression, I just had some really shitty doctors that year, I have Major depression or Clinical Depression with reoccurring episodes, I feel okay when I can manage it by myself, therapy or medication and then I also deal with situational so when shit gets bad my pathetic brain thinks suicide is a good idea but I can go periods where I feel fine, like things are stable, I do not stay up all night or do crazy stuff when I feel good, I feel normal , whatever that can be defined as, and then when it all hits, I sleep as much as possible, and pretty much just feel like dying , my urges to self harm come back and it feels like I am starting all over again)

I have learned to manage my depression better, I can go longer periods of time with out just straight out loosing my mind, crying all the time and numb. When I feel like I have bottled it  up for too long and my anxiety disorder shows up to the party, I have panic attacks, sometimes they are small and easy to deal with and other times I am crying and doing my best to hold back tears.

I do not know why I feel so suicidal this morning, I think my boyfriend and his constant dick touching bothers me, who just NEEDS to have their hands in their pants all the damn time, he masturbates in the  shower every morning or before he gets up when he has work. It grosses me out. With all of the trauma I am still working through because of the rape when he does that I used to cry and have panic attacks, I couldn’t help it and I did not know why I was crying. I would do my best to hide the tears and not let it show It stopped bothering me and I just let that be, and now I feel like crying, I feel so emotionally deteriorated and its only 9am.  The suicidal thoughts are here again, it feels like I can not handle, yet I sit here calmly with some music on and I write this long post, if you made it this far, thank you for reading.

we fooled around a few weeks ago, he was so proud of how much he you know finished or whatever, I instantly felt like throwing up and ran to the bathroom, crying and having a full on panic attack, it was awful. The person who raped me reached out and  said his version of sorry, it made me feel alright, I talked to my therapist about it. The last day or two I felt some weird feelings towards it. I can not explain it yet but it does not sit right.

I feel like my life really just does not have a lot of meaning. I feel like I am here because I think people need me to be but I do not have much importance to people. I die, great. people move on, life moves on. I have tried to think about what people who know me would feel if I died. I think they would be okay, move on within a year, 6 months. I am easily forgettable. I feel like a lot of the times I deal with all this bullshit alone. I have a friend who is struggling and is suicidal, I feel like I help him and try to be there but I also feel like I can’t. I do not wan to tell him how shitty I am feeling, he doesn’t need that right now, he is a good friend so that’s a plus. I feel so lost. I feel like I am walking in the dark and I don’t know where the light is.

Love Always,

falling_soup

It has been a while since I posted here, I like logging on here and getting the terrible things inside my head and on this blog. Yes, I am lost thank you for noticing. I relapsed with my cutting (go me.) and doing anything I can to escape these toxic thoughts. I have been doing somewhat better, I can cope better, I do not feel like the constant urge to kill myself is around all the time. I feel more positive, but my boyfriend weighs me down, my depression, the trauma, etc. all just stupid things I thought were stupid so I would not think about them. I guess it became to much, when my boyfriend is a verbally abusive… I can not stand how he controls me. I  have friends who think I should leave him and yet I use him as this stupid crutch. I hate myself for that. I am damaged and him in my mind is what I deserve, so I settle. I think he can make me feel good but really when he says these toxic words I cry in private. He can not be with me because he is too busy hating himself  and feeling depressed. I cried on the car ride home after I dropped him off at work, I came home, I felt numb, found my blade and cut. I felt myself just wanting to do more and more. I covered a part of my arm in tattoos last year to cover up the scars I had from last attempts to cope. I just made more but around them, I hate myself, the other day we fooled around and after? I looked at him and had almost vomited, I ran to the bathroom and cried. I was sexually assaulted by a friend  so I feel fragile, my boyfriend doesn’t care and if he does he has a shitty way of showing it. I remember I used to say that my mom loved me but had a shitty way of showing it. He does the same thing, and that is why I need to get out, but the silly thing is I probably will ***** out and just not do it but continue to be in the same sad dark fucking place I always have been. I am like his fucking babysitter, I do not ever get cared for in return. I am sick of this and all of the pain but I deal with it so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining because I am choosing to stay in it or whatever. FUCK, I just wish I had some fucking strength to leave him, but I don’t. I am to drained and tired to even fight. I hate everything, I feel so empty and grossed out with myself. I fear I just continue to be abused and never do shit about it because I have no balls.

I wish I could keep my mask on. I think that he barely notices when I am hurting and is to busy inside his own head dealing with his own stuff. I do not know how much I can keep pretending that everything is alright, I mean, if I am not stable then he just can’t deal with my shit. of all the people I wish he was more understanding, I almost expected him to understand, and yet he doesn’t. I feel so enraged with sadness and anger. I want to look him in the eyes and say how can  you not see I am hurting? I feel so stupid. I am not being what he wants of me or something. I feel so useless and limp, attached and weak. I want to have the strength to get through this on my own but sometimes I wish I had his support the way I support him. I feel so empty and alone. I feel so tired and over this. I do not know what bull shit keeps stringing me along everyday or how I hold myself together, all though I feel like I am falling apart all of the time. I feel like the goals I achieve or the things I do just do not add up for him. I feel so lost and confused, I feel so stupid for feeling like I need his help. I should be tougher right?

As always,

soup