heh, I feel like I have used that title before. lol. Anyway, I have been feeling a little fucked up, and I use this place as a crutch, a place to feel safe and whatever while I am emotionally drowning. I am getting frustrated with sometimes, “how well” I hide my depression. I can remember for years I would be so happy to my friends and those I cared about. I would always brush it off with an I am tired or something silly. I recall feeling so alone that I felt like I needed to tell someone who fucked up I was feeling. I would self harm to show everyone how shitty I was feeling about myself that week or however long I had been at it. People would call me an attention whore or would tell the school what I was doing and blah blah. I would hide my cuts, lie about them and so forth. I remember when I first started attempting I would just do it like it was nothing, I could of cared less, in fact I think I attempted in front of a friend once at school, she proceeded to yell and scream that I had just taken a bunch of pills (even though she was in my face saying I was too big of a ***** to try) she was a bully in retrospect. I think I would go to treatment once I verbally told someone I wanted to die. No one thought I was depressed when my mom was trying to get the school to pay for all my bills because she thought the bullying was the problem. The school said that she was the problem. Now to be fair it was a combination of both things, I could be getting yelled at the night before by my mother and then get trash thrown at me the next day by other students. I think that I was happy, but I wasn’t, I had some friends who cared and some sleezy on and off boyfriend who I thought cared.. Anyway, I then went to all kinds of parties or did drugs with my friends and cut myself, was bulimic and did whatever the fuck I wanted. Once I went to treatment and the whole school thought I died and that if I died it would of been funny, I was on medication most of the time, but I wasn’t happy. I can point fingers and blame it on my situation, but I am always unhappy. I can show the world I am happy and people see me as functional. Now a days I am lazy, you can tell if I am depressed or not. I think that I do not care about anything, if I am sad I will show I am sad. I have gotten the apartment I live with my boyfriend messy as fuck, if I am not working or in school I am a sad sack of shit. I feel so sad, I know I disappoint him, I could clean this entire apartment and have dinner made and he would come home and he wouldn’t be hungry, barely notice the clean place, eat something else later and then stay up till 3 am. while being on his computer. I can not help him. I know he struggles too but I just do not feel like my advice or things I say make him happy. I think about leaving him all the time, he could care less. I could be over reacting here but I think I am right. I know he is miserable, he lies about how happy he is in this “relationship”. I am kinda feeling guilty because of how much I think about my ex boyfriend. I think about being anywhere but here a lot of the time. I tried to get myself feeling like I was committed when I got his name tattooed on me, but it is silly because we would break up and I would totally get it covered. I thought about the other day what would I do if I had my ex boyfriend tattooed on me. I told myself I wouldn’t cover it up, I loved him and he holds this nice place in my heart. He was something else… I worry that I can not be with my current boyfriend because he does not want to be with me and the only reason he did not kick me out when I was able to live on my own and why we now share a apartment together is because I make his life easier. I guess now that I am not working and not in school and that I do not cook or clean that his life is hell with me.
I get so mixed up in this, I feel like I really do not know what I want. I have commitment issues and I am fucked up. I hate myself so much. I just do not need any of this. I want to sit in a empty room, alone. I need to figure the fuck out what I want. Who am I? I feel like I have turned into this monster, I have no fucking life but sitting and being sad. I need to just get out of my head. I feel all kinds of stupid.