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falling_soup

I discovered this website after i attempted to kill my self from a OD on pills.. i am a depressed, empty, alone and sad person everyday all i think about is death and sometimes its okay to cry and letting go can be the hardest thing to do because we can not seem to find away out.

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Is there a point?

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

 

I don’t see a point of me being here. What is the point of trying when no one loves you ( I am not saying that I need to rely on someone to be here I am saying that it would be nice to be heard) I honeslty don’t care anymore. It really is all a matter of time before I am gone. No one sees me hurting. I am usually very vocal and speak my mind, I guess it’s not enough. Everyone is blind and doesn’t need to care. They only care about themselves. I don’t want to be the center of attention I just need someone to see the pain that I feel. I want to give up. I have my suicide date but it doesn’t seem soon enough, I am trying to keep going but when everyone seems to leave you and hate on you there really is no point.

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The demons..

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

Question: If no one is here to save me from the demons, and supposedly I can’t rely on others am I all alone?

I have fought the monster in my head called depression for so long. I am sorry that people have tried to save me and that it wasn’t enough. I am trying to restrain myself from the pills that sit next to me on the table. All of those medications that tried to make me better, THEY DID NOT WORK. The depression has worsened, I fake a smile and try to be anyone but the fucked up, messed up, person I am. I seem to never to do whats right, I am always doing the “wrong thing” and people frown upon me. What is wrong with me? I have a lot of love to give underneath all the hurt that sits inside me. I am trying to keep my head above water, I am done trying to keep going. The fact of  the matter is I don’t care anymore. I have given up on what is right. I am done trying to ask for help and then not be listened to. If I am such a bother– I will end it today. I will end it on my terms. Trying to please others? I am done thinking that I need to make others happy before myself. I have tried and tried but it never seems to be enough for anyone. I am sorry that I have let you all down. I have tried and tried to be someone I am not, I am breaking at the seams.

Should I be let go? Should I be forgotten?

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The Ugly Duckling

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

 

I am the ugly duckling. I seem to always be the odd one out. My mother never seems to approve of the friends I do make and what ever choices I do make are “Stupid” and not “Rational” because I am a teenager. I think that it is okay to make the decisions that I learn lessons from. I am safe and I don’t make the decisions that are unsafe. (most of the time) I seem to be a “good girl” because I don’t do drugs or drink or what ever people define as a “teen at risk”. I don’t judge people I try to be as open as I can. I don’t think that I am too bad to be honest. Teachers and adults say they would be my friend if I was a teen. Teens at school couldn’t give to fucks. People always seem to look the other way when I am around. That they do not need to be around. I am nothing. I usually have no one to sit with at lunch or be in a social group for a project in class, but that’s not what hurts the most. Being alone is what hurts the most. I am always the one who has to suck it up while others get more than enough help. I am always the last of the picking. I seem to be the one that everyone thinks is okay. The one who is doing good and is doing whats right. Looking okay for others or being gone and having it to late? Should I tell someone who only cares about there legal stand point or not wanting to be responsible for my death and being sent away until I am 18? I want people to support me and not think its a crisis that requires a huge deal. I want to know that someone knows I am hurting, that I have a breaking point like everyone else. I try to be normal the best I can but that doesn’t seem to be good enough. Well I have to go and please someone else so I do not get my ass kicked out of the house for being  “rude” I want to make myself happy not someone else. I am not trying to be selfish but yes I would like to make myself happy for once and not have to put someone else first but I guess that is life. Do I have to grow up some more? can I actually act like my age and not someone twice my age!

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I have said it all to many times before

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

 

I have yet to say that I have found a plan and that it will work. I am sorry that I have said goodbye to many times and then not actually do anything about it, I am such a “wuss”. I feel like I can’t ever follow through with things and that I can’t seem to get it together these days..

  • NO I am not selfish for wanting to die
  • NO I am not trying to get attention or trying to get people to feel sorry for me because I am “sick”
  • I am always going to be broken, I can’t seem to get fixed
  • No one is going to see that I am hurting because it will be to late
  • Question is, will I ever be able to do it?
  • I want to die yet it seems that I never will be able to with my own hands.
  • I say goodbye to many times and yet it all seems so annoying (No one wants some “suicidal freak”)

 

What is wrong with me? How come I can’t ever do what I want for myself?  Suicide date: May 11th 2015

I have tried all to many times and yet its like I can never get myself to do it. I am going to be counting down the days. No one seems to see that I am hurting so badly that I want to take my own life. Well, Here’s to the good and the bad days my friends <3 I am going to stay clean from cutting the best I can, I will end it all soon. I am going to say goodbye on my terms. I don’t need to stay for others, I am not selfish for doing what I want. Not that anyone seems to care about what I have to say, I feel that I should still be able to voice what it is  that sits on my shoulders every day while I walk around pretending it’s “okay”  I will write my final goodbyes as  the day gets closer <3 XO Falling_Soup

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Some day I will be able to..

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

Some day I will be able to:

  • Be free
  • Live on my own
  • Be who I want to be
  • Live far away from my mom
  • Be happy?

Let’s be real, I will never be happy. I can never be free because I am trapped to my mentally ill mother. I am all alone. My stomach is in knots and I can’t seem to stop the anxiety and the emotions that come with the thought of killing myself. I will never be able to “stomach” the situation that for the last 16 years I have been put through. My life is never going to change. I am trying to do the best I can but what really is the “best”? I never seem to be doing the right thing because everything I do is “wrong” and it isn’t the right answer. I haven’t really been myself or even happy for that matter. I am sorry that no one is able to “fix me”. I am never going to be who anyone wants me to be. I am always going to the piece of shit, lower then “worm sweat” (what ever the fuck that means) I am sad. no wait that would be an understatement. I have depression a sickness that will never be cured. I am giving up. I am a lost cause and I am afraid that I will never be able to be saved. Goodbye <3 XOX, Falling_Soup  I am d-o-n-e.

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Mabye its best this way…

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

I can not keep doing this anymore and I know that I have tried and tried to keep fighting, yet when I do fight it’s never enough. I hate being shit on by teachers and by my own mother. The one who “loves you the most” doesn’t and well.. If people continue to do this to me (the making me feel terrible and the shit on) I am and WILL give up. I am going to cut and try to soothe the pain. The fact is, I do not know how to cope anymore..  I am done thinking that I can keep doing this because I can’t.  I don’t want to be here anymore  </3

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IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

I am all alone and no one really seems to care at this point. NO i am not an attention seeker and NO i do not want to be helped if you don’t care and you feel like its the “right thing to do” I have had it with people putting pitty on me. I do not believe that I should be looked upon as a “mentally ill person” I am fucked up just fucked up and I will never get better. I am going to try and attempt today. I’m sorry that no one seems to comment or notice. I just need help and people can’t see that so I am no saying goodbye. I really have nothing to loose. I have no one who cares or even loves me. THE LIES ARE OVER. I am done trying and I am done trying to think that it will get better when it really isn’t and if I keep going it’s going to continue being the same old bull shit that continues to keep me in the suicidal state that I am. I am done wanting to be sad. I just want to be dead and happy. I can’t do any harm anymore. I not be a burden anymore. I am done trying to please others or please myself . xo falling_soup

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Anywhere but here

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

 

I feel that the end is near and I am ready to give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. What is the point when I am not happy and I don’t even care anymore. I still love you. I want you back and I need you now. I wish you would come back and be here with me once again and make the pain go away. I have had it with everyone shitting on me and making me worse than I already do. I am counting the pills and getting a blade. I am ready to go if even I don’t want to have me here.

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To Be Honest, I am not going to lie

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

I don’t know any more. I don’t think that my time here is going to be much longer. I feel that I have done my journey, its all over for me. I miss my ex and the true love that we actually had together and how pure that love actually was to me. It was so clear and considering the time and effort that was spent on everything. The love we had for each other was something that I probably will never have again. I still love him and that love will always be with me <3 *sorry if this post makes no sense, I am just ranting*

xo Falling_Soup

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I now know what I want

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

 

I want to hurt myself. I want to cut and watch myself bleed. I want to take the pills and slowly die. I have had it with the suffering and sadness I put myself through everyday. Its all over for me now.. I don’t know when or how but it will happen and when that time comes I will let you all know <3 I am sorry that I am just another lost cause…

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Knots

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

Let me begin to say that my stomach is in knots. Just the thought of killing myself makes me want to throw up, yet all I think about is killing myself. The fact that I will never be happy and “normal” (if you must use that word) again frightens me. I want to get better so badly and yet I am still the same person who won’t ever do well in life, I am always going to be the person I  have always been. A monster, a monster is the best way to put it because I scare everyone and my sadness and feelings I have of being alone make me hide in shame. I grow bigger and bigger from the souls I have hurt and I will never be what everyone wants me to be. I will never be remembered and I will be a lost cause. I am on this path all alone. Tonight is the night.. Some one help me

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WHYYYYY I don’t know anymore.

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

why is that I am always that last kid to be picked for gym of for a group project the teacher has to put me into a group and everyone has to hate on me because they were happy with their friends before I showed up.. I am always such a burden to everyone. Even my mom says that I am a burden. So why am  I still here if no one gives a damn about me? and being  the last pick of the bunch or the “thing” that no one wants. I am the ugly duckling and no one really gives a damn. I mean its like I am always going to be alone and that’s that. I don’t understand why I am all alone and no one seems to notice my screams or my cries. I don’t want to be here any more and I am better off gone if I do say so myself. Cutting is one way of coping but I the fact of the matter is.. people don’t even care about my mental health and I could have a whole arm covered with cuts and no one would seem to notice? I mean even if they did they would just want to chain me to a hospital bed and make me feel even worse about myself and tell me that I am no good or that “rotten thing” that always is bringing things down. I mean I am pretty much trying to fight the urges and the sadness all on my own because when I do try and speak up for myself? no one believes me! It’s like I am a attention seeker and that I am perfectly fine. well let me be clear I WANT TO DIE, can’t anyone see that? I mean I have tried and tried to be someone I am not to please others but what good does that do? I mean people don’t see me. NO ONE sees me with the pain and suffering that I have to carry with me every day. So tell me what is the point of me being here when no one will ever see that I just want to be normal and that I have a battle that apparently no one knows nothing about.  I really don’t know anymore what to do or how to find my way around. I am stuck in this rut and I am left to hang dry.  Well my mom says that I have it better then nine tenths of the world  and that I should be lucky to have a mom like her. I am being verbally abused by her with the blaming that I tire her out and that I am this monster of  a daughter. If everyone views me as a bother and someone that they don’t want to be around? then why am I still here……

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Feeling alone.. I don’t know how much longer I will be here

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

let me first say hello to those who know me and know that I am well..

I know that I haven’t posted here in a while but I feel it is in need for me to post.. I am here because well I have not found that reason yet and well I do not plan on it. My story is complex and no one seems to understand that it will never get better for me. I know that it had been a long road for me and I have been fighting for so long to keep on going and well I think that my fight is over. I have been fighting for 6 years now and the challenges seem to have become out of my reach to tackle. I have seen the monster inside me (depression) grow and grow and now I do not wish to fight it any longer. I have become suicidal once again and now that I have been watching the feelings grow and the urges to cut or kill myself are causing me nothing but grief and pain. I feel that this is the end of my journey fighting because let me be very clear.. I have been caused to much pain and well I refuse to believe that it is going to get better. In the end and looking back I see that I have been strong and have been fighting the monster but at this point it has taken over me. I have been strong for way to long and it seems that no one would really ever care to see that I have left. People can sat or do what ever they can to keep me here but they are only doing it too spare their feelings and the pressure and stress of dealing with a lost cause like me or another suicide.. so In the end of all of this madness and at the end of the day I a still the same depressed, f-ed up person you used to know.. I haven’t changed I do no think that anyone will ever be able to save me from the darkness that has eaten me alive.

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My thoughts

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

these thoughts are there they sit there like glue and don’t want too go away. I am sick and tired of living. I want too do anything too just fade away…. I puke so I can get rid of the sadness and the pain…. I  enjoy  every little bit of it  & watching my self  get more broken apart..  I am over all of this shit and the lies and the hurt I am done with it all. I am still working on a date that will be more solid. I have a few methods but all in all I am just waiting too see if things will ever change for me. I have a basic  idea of how long I have  too come up with a date but until then I am still here trying too give it my best shot and keep on fighting. nothing in my life is working for me any more.

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Lack of color.

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

is it time for me too go yet? can I fade away too black and disappear? I am a lack of color. I have no reason too stay everything is just black and white too me. sometimes there are hints of color but mostly there are very short and if not rare. I am sinking in to a deep dark whole of emptiness. I am sick and tired of fighting this battle. Not a single day goes by were I wish I could die…. there are those who love and care about me and that is whats keeping me here by a thread… I am done with it all really… I hate the fact how I just feel so empty and alone. I feel so hurt and torn apart. no one is truly alone but sometimes the pain and suffering that we can go through just mentally can be mind boggling. I do take out my depression physically as well as the mental part. I have gone a full week of binging and purging. No real desire for exercise like crazy but the thought of being able too just wash away all the pain and emotions when I binge and purge is soothing. the bulimia is slowly taking over me. Its not at an extreme point I am only binging and purging every chance I get (which is usually during meals) I binge during that meal, right after the meal I purge and sometimes I like too go in secrete and stuff my face I like the feeling of getting rid of it all the pain I have and the sadness…. it lasts for a little and then its until the next time I eat… I am slipping away slowly and don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.

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Falling apart

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

Recently I have been eating just like everyone else but making myself vomit after I have been doing this for the past week. I am developing bulimia… I can’t eat  now with out wanting or needing too throw up. I noticed tonight at dinner that I was starting off lightly on the food and towards the end I was stuffing my face and then going to the bathroom right after. This afternoon before lunch I stuffed my face with food and then throwing up shortly after. I haven’t been cutting but instead throwing up. I do not like how every time I eat all I think about is wanting too throw up after. I have always been self conscious about my body but nothing too serious… now I am turning to  an eating disorder and I am afraid of what will happen too me…. I started this on christmas eve after I ate a huge meal and liked being able too eat and then simply get rid of it…  I know whats going too happen too me but I just can’t help but not care…

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Right now…

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

Right now I would love too give up. I would love to fade away. I am done trying I am sick of living. I am not happy, I am sick of always having too grow up and be mature. I do my best too be a kid and have fun…. I’m not really that fun. I take things seriously half the time. I come on here and unwind a little bit of me is gone no more pretending like nothings wrong and I have too act okay. People who know me well enough can see right through me but most of the time I’m shut down and put on auto mode. With the smile on my face that everybody believes. I am done trying really… I need too keep going because making it is important I realize that but there is too much crap going on that making me want too push threw it all is challenging. It’s only a matter of time before I fade too black I’m no were too be found.

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Taking a deep breath…

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

I need too really clear my  head of the thoughts of suicide that are running threw my head. I had a plan too go when I got home and the only reason I am staying here is because I am still in love with my ex boyfriend and he said he was coming too visit me and even though he hasn’t told me when I am still going too hold on until that happens I am sick of being in this unhappy relationship with the guy I am with now. with him I do not feel happy I feel very invisible and he does not like too call me or even talk too me period, he is always sick because he has Muscular Dystrophy (I get it he is sick and there is nothing he can do but I would like a phone call every now and then not too be invisible and pushed around when I see him) I am sick of his crap… the only problem is I do not know how too break up with him with out hurting him. I hurt him the last time and I am afraid of getting bullied at school for breaking up with him. I get bullied enough and that is the last thing I really need right now I know I need too listen too my self and so whats right but I am so sick of everything I am not happy in my life. I want out, I want too give up, and I want too die. I have a new plan… After I see my ex boyfriend and things are still the same in my life and I am unhappy then I am gone. gone for good.

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Hitting my head against the wall.

by falling_soup
written by falling_soup

I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall and I feel like I just cant keep doing this anymore… I am running on the little reasons that I have. I am done trying.. my depression has held me back for a long time…I do not want too keep fighting this battle anymore….

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