foxinthesnow
I don’t want to be here. How did I end up here. I wake up every morning in pain, that I ended up here in this predicament. Why did you do this to me? I asked “God” to please don’t hurt me anymore. I have no way of surviving as in severe depression. I have such a hard, hard time even leaving the apartment. I can see the sky is blue today, I see the Cascades out my window. But I can’t move or go anywhere, completely paralyzed. So scared that I won’t make it , knowing deeply that I won’t make it. I […]
My body has been completely suppressed by depression and I cannot move around much except for in my bed. Body is weighed down, suppressed. Haven’t drank or eaten much at all. I haven’t been able to take care of myself, which is making things worse for me. I can’t do much around the apartment anymore. Learned of more devastating things recently. I always knew, I suspected. I cannot go on, cannot survive.
I quietly said goodbye to my little darlings. I never said goodbye to them before. I had told them I would take care of them forever, but I can’t. I can’t live for them. I don’t care for myself anymore, I stopped doing my treatments, I haven’t been eating much. I can barely get out of bed today. last night. Tears can’t stop. SO much I want to say , I can’t . it hurts too much. Instead of being able to heal in some way, I’ve been devastated again and again. No healing. I know deeply what lies ahead
I can’t function anymore. can’t get out of bed. Can’t no longer. Soon, i know i must. i cant.
My dogs, my angels with fur instead of wings; I was supposed to take care of them forever.
I don’t know what to do with them. I love them so, so much. They will be lost without me. I need them to be loved and to be safe. I got to go, though, I can’t stay.
My things, took a lot of effort, energy, money, back and forth traveling to get them all here. I don’t have any money to send them back to my family. Want them to have my things. Baby clothes, his school things, memories. Mean so much to me. I brought […]
For the last week and a half since his father blatantly tried to bully and manipulate me without an ounce of compassion, without any regard for what I have endured— I’ve been in pieces, unable to pick myself up. I’ve been in tears all the time since, unable to function. Instead of focusing on practical matters, I’ve been shattered to a point of no return. I needed to write, but couldn’t. So much to say but unable, because it hurts too much inside. Just want to tell him how I really feel, address what he said, but a person capable of this is without feeling, […]
Simple it will be. No more cruelty or uncaring. They can’t hurt me anymore.
Words can’t describe how I feel anymore, to know they are trying to hurt me even more. Evil is the only way to describe what I read the other night. I’ve been pushed too much. They want me to die. I want these monsters out of my life.
Tonight I received confirmation that I will not be able to survive
I moved across the country, shipped all my things, everything that meant something to me. It was extremely expensive. It was a journey back and forth, it wasn’t easy. I shipped all my things. There is no way I can afford to send anything back to where it belongs, to my family, when I’ve gone. I’ve been stranded here, and now has received confirmation tonight that I will have to die. I will not be able to cope or afford to go anywhere. I did my best in this life and have been put in an impossible situation. I never imagined in a million […]
A lot of haunting dreams now when I go to sleep, and when I wake, I remember the reality of my situation. Scared and alone without hope. I will not last much longer here.
Alaska. One of the many reasons why I came here.
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/The-Wailin-Jennys-The-Parting-Glass.mp3
I’ve decided not to stay.
Cannot face this world alone. Cannot face these very trying times alone.
I thought I had escaped. But have been put in a much worser place, soon without a home.
Pushed off the cliff, further and further into hopelessness, abyss. I was once soft to a heart turned black, a dead heart.
Today I thought of Duke of Marmalade. I hope he’s okay.
I’ve decided not to stay.
I will not last much longer in this toxic home.
He will be better there with her than with me.
He will be happier in California.
I’m so sorry. I love you so much, my beautiful boy.
She doesn’t know, but I will send him there.
Pain would be unbearable for everyone that loves me, that loves us.
I’m so sorry.
Then me and my angels will leave this place forever.
Left with nothing. Lost all of everything, all of my resources, stranded here.
I cannot bear to be treated so badly.
How long is the wait?
Can someone please tell me.
I keep in my heart our bond always.
I stopped being spiritual a long time ago. I became logical.
I feel so bad for my dogs, they don’t deserve to be dealing with this toxic place.
I love them so, so much.
Why did the bad people have to come and make our lives even worser than it already were?
There’s only one answer. I was never meant to be here. I was not meant for anything good, and anyone close to me, will be hurt by the bad people as well. Like my son, innocent in this. Like my mom, selfless. Like my dogs, helpless.
I wish […]
All our belongings, things that mean a lot to me. Our whole life. Photos, memories, everything. Baby clothes. I don’t know how these things will get back to my family.
I’m so sorry S & S. I love you with all my heart, and wish to hold you forever.