Im not sure what I am anymore. My flame is out yet again. I’ve wasted my vacation doing nothing. Soon back to a job that drains me of all energy to work on my own life. The people I’ve recently tried to turn into my new closest friends while sacrificing another one in the process still seems so distant. Maybe natural since they have their kids. But I can’t help feeling lonelier than ever before… What a mess…
Last few weeks I’ve allowed myself to cross borders I’ve never crossed before. I’ve really pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I opened myself up a bit to some new people, one of which a quite interesting girl. I left myself in a vulnerable position, and d**n if I didn’t pay the price for it… Everything I seem to do now just worsens the situation and I’m pushed further back into isolation and I feel more lonely and misunderstood than ever before. Being so close to some actual real human contact and having it taken away so close to the finish line. […]
I really thought I was finished with these feelings. I thought I was finally doing good. People say I now have the dreamjob. I thought it was myself. But now I’m realizing how it’s locking me into a position with no ability to escape when I feel like shit.
Not sure what I wanna do with this life. It’s so pointless… Now I’m gonna start making money, but instead I have no time to spend that money on the things I like. The things that require time…
And on top of lack of time. I also miss a girl. This is gonna be a long winter…
“You have so many friends now, you’ve started a good new life for yourself down here.”
Little did he know, my father, that most of these so called friends wouldn’t even think of me unless I was standing there right in front of them. Maybe that’s normal when starting over in a new place, but after more than 5 years I don’t feel I’ve accomplished much at all. I’m merely a shadow.
I recognize this feeling inside from my old life. The hopelessness. The sorrow of not being, enough.
I started a new education about a year ago, I was on the edge of taking my own life […]