Im at some kind of a vacation in NI n I need something to do. I know no one here n I’m not even sure why I’m here in the first place. Any suggestions?
"Keep your nose out of trouble, and no trouble will come to you"
i was about to write about my potential suicide and back story but after about three sentences i got disturbed. i already collected the photos and notes i wanted to take with me but after a lot of conversation I lost my “mood” and now i don’t know what to do with my self. i was in a way exited to be relived of my pain.
I’ve been considering suicide for a long time now. at least once a week id think about it and its pros v.s. cons and sometimes every day and night for many weeks at a time and here is my summary:
you’ll be out of your misery
you’ll never have the chance to feel better
you will hurt the people that care about you
i do not want to die. i want to feel happy and be with people around me that make me happy and be able to make people around me happy. i don’t know what to do with myself now and i feel so blank. now i’m just waiting for my next mental breakdown. hopefully it will be my last. but thanks to that person, I get to live another day.
I wrote a post earlier asking for metal music suggestions and was satisfied with the suggestions I received. I’ll leave the link on the bottom.
My favorate music genres are:
metal (Black is my favorate but all is enjoyable)
Rock (gunsengunsen(that’s what I call Guns N’ Roses for the laughs), highly suspect is new but good and Pink Floyd Perl jam etc)
Jazz (Chet Baker fav, also songs like monks dream- take 8, in your own sweet way, take five and so on)
and one more genre that I don’t quite know what is called ( Cigarettes after sex, Korey Dane, Beck) but it’s like calm music with whispering or so
Anyways, back to the point. I’d like to revive more nice suggestions and of course I’d give good recommendations ( at least I’ll think they’ll be good, really just depends) back to you.
My my least fav genres r music such as :
Rap ( I used to listen to Eminem as a child n he’s cool, i especially dislike Icelandic rap(i live in Iceland n at work it’s ok the radio all day long))
Dubstep ( even tho I really enjoy Korns “the path of totality” album)
Dance club idk ( you get the point)
i like the band ratatat tho, even tho I don’t know what genre they’re considered to be
those are just not my cup of tea but who am I to judge, Most people I know or know of have the opposite taste of mine so I never really have anyone to share my music with
i didn’t make this post to whine about music I don’t like but really I’m open to all suggestions as I said above, even if my least fav genres I could still find enjoyable music (from my point of view of course)
feel free to share your music, honestly I’m open to even the unlikeliest of opinions
here is some music I like if anyone would like to take a look, or take a listen whatever. I’ll go from soft(top) and leave the heavy stuff for the bottom.
Not sure if all the artist are right but it’s according to my saved Spotify songs
Chet Baker – I fall in love to easily
Bill Evans – Gary’s theme
Dexter Gordon – I guess I’ll hang by tears out to dry
Brad Mehldau – when it rains
—whisper genre (please tell me in comments if you know the name thanks)—
Alex turner – it’s hard to get around the wind
Korey Dane – fade into you
Foals – Spanish Sahara
The Maccabees – toothpaste kisses
—Rock (childhood fav genre)—
Dire straits – Sultans of swing
The doors – la woman ( the song and album
david Bowie ( pretty much everything)
Highly suspect ( rather new)
incubus – make yourself + morning view (albums
and so many more
— Metal ( delicious )—
Antigama – empty paths (album(ear rape))
Naglfar – harves (easy going Black Metal)
Avenged sevenfold (cliche but my childhood favorate)
Sólstafir – nón (this band is the only good thing about Iceland from what I believe)
Hellyeah – moth
And so, so, so many more
I meant to keep this post short but I just couldn’t stop myself.
Can’t wait for your suggestions may they be many.
thank you for your time
https://suicideproject.org/2017/07/metaldetector/ the link I promised
P.s. I was gonna say something else but I forgot
I often ask myself what am I doing and why am I doing it. “What” is easy but I’ve never had an aswere for “why”, doesn’t matter how deeply I try to think about it.
After waking up I go to work; wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, long jacket, a worn out pare of vans shoes, and my facial mask. I smile at the customers and my coworkers even chatting and laughing. I zone out a lot, forgetting the subject and creating my own in my head wishing I was at home in my shower with my lights off and my music playing loudly enaugh to hurt my ears, giving me a headache strong enaugh for me to not be able to think about my problems.
I look and act as if everything is okay. People often ask me how I feel and how my life is going and I keep telling them that everything is going great. I don’t want to tell the truth because I don’t want anyone to be involved with my messed up life. Sometimes I even get angry at people for talking to me to much or asking me anything like how are you and how was you’re weekend etc. but I play it cool n desperately try to change the subject as smoothly as I can. I hate when people ask about my personal life because I just want to keep it to my self.
I sometimes feel as if I’m insane for that I often thing about simply killing the person standing nearby me even if they don’t interact with me at all. Knowing that I will never fulfill those thoughts. I feel allot of rage and sorrow lying beneath my skin, just a scratch away from filling my vault and spilling all my feeling out of my head and into the real world.
Often when I’m getting a just a little bit straighter, small things like even a fly flying by my face or me failing to tie my shoes in the first try get me extremely furious and I just loose it, kicking my shoes away or punching the wall in anger. I often think of suicide as a path I’m willing to take but I’m never brave enaugh to complete it. Maybe i just don’t want to die after all and all of this is just my head playing some silly games on me. Even tho it looks like a clear exit, I always seem to stand in my own way.
I’m in a place where I want to both stay and leave. My head is full of suicidal thought I’ve never had before. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety several years ago; got meditation, some what therapy, and support from most of them who know about my illness.
I’ve had bad times where I feel worthless and unappreciated but never have I ever had these terrafying suicidal hought running through my mind so rapidly. I’m under a lot of pressure with all the changes that I’ve made this past years, quitting school, changing jobs and moving in with my partner. It’s still a few months until my 19th birthday but the changes are stressing the hell out of me. And the movement is just to fast for me to cope with. To fast.
Me and my partner have been moving around rapidly for reasons such as expensive rent and bad noisy neighbors. Few months ago they were temporarily unemployed so I had to work my but off with 13 hour shifts 4-7days a week surrounded with terrable co-workers, managers, and even customers For about 4 months. Now we’re in a different flat with cheaper rent for we share it with a couple of other roommates. No space.
We are also both dealing with our own inner demons supporting each other as best we can. Our relationship is a mess at the moment and the time we spend goes with them telling me how bad I am and how I do everything wrong and how I never learn of my mistakes. and even more often me trying me doing what I can to at least try to communicate with them while they don’t even seem to notice my existence. The anger and hatred thrown in my face have I got used to and even feels good in a strange but yet so satisfying way. Mean while the silence is terrifying. Feeling like hell most of the time but in between having moments that feel like heaven on earth. “And I’m— feeling good”
we both want our way out but we are stuck with each other, both having no place to go and no money to afford it. No education for better salary. Not enaugh salary for education. Not willing to give up not willing to hold on.
Right now they are laying right besides me, sleeping with their clothes on, on top of the bedsheets. Looking so precious and peaceful and beautiful. I tryed to wake them up to get them sleep dressed and to lay the right way in bed so they can rest properly but all I get in return is roars n angry moans.
Crying in our bed, crying on the balcony having a smoke, crying in the shower. Crying in the bus. Crying at work. How long until it’s to long. Can’t let go, can’t hold on.
I’m young. But time moves fast. What if I’ll be stuck like this forever. I’ve had these suicidal feelings running though my head for some weeks now knowing it’s way to early for decisions. I’ve studdied methods and their possible consequences online which lead me to this site. First I just read others experiences and problems and now I’m finally confident enough to write about my own small problem.
I just wanted to share my feeling to someone. I don’t feel confident sharing it with my few friends, family or even my significant other for how things are bad enaugh already.
i know it’s not much but I believe it feels better knowing that someone has a clue of what’s going on in my small head.
thank you for reading,
p.s. sorry if I wasted you’re time.
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