I’ve been really bad this last week binge eating a lot and I feel so awful I gained three pounds I need to not eat at all next week to make up for it. I wont eat anyway I have exams…
Alayna
Alayna
I won't go into the whole story but For years I have been living in hell My mother tells me on a daily basis that she hates me. She wishes she had gotten me aborted. I am bullied at school and then at home I get emotionally abused. I have been dealing with depression for 4 years and i have tried to kill myself twice...I wish I could try again. . . . BTW how do I work the fucking comments thing?
My friends tell me I have an eating disorder…I told them they where full of shit…but they aren’t I’m not stupid I know that not eating is killing me but I cant eat…it makes me feel sick even thinking about it…Maybe being skinny will make my mom love me again…
I long to take my last breathe… but compared to before things have been better.
All my life I am left alone never friends with anyone for more than a year at most, they always leave…my family, i wouldnt even know where to start, they don’t love me they told me so
I keep expecting to wake up one morning and find everyone i love gone, telling me they never want to see me again, and I dont think I could handle it…not now when I need them most.
I wonder if I should just end it –Take my last breathe– before they hurt me first…
but I can’t…and that is what hurts the most…
I try and I try but nothing change  It is a constant cuticle of tears,cutting, and lie  I can’t escape no matter how hard I try  I feel so lost and confused I don’t know hat to do. I am scared help me
Drastic Actions
I’d heard countless stories on the news about how kids my age had tragically taken their own lives. Nobody had ever noticed the warning signs they said, the parents thought that their sweet daughter was perfect, that she had no problems, when in reality she had more problems than most. I never understood why no one had ever noticed the signs or, if someone did, why they hadn’t cared enough to tell someone. I always thought that if I felt this way my family would notice; my friends would tell someone, my teachers would be worried about a change in my behavior and say something. It turns out I was wrong because halfway through my freshman year I reached that point, I tried a very permanent solution to a short term problem.
“I hate you!â€
“You don’t deserve love!â€
“Get out!â€
Years of pain hadn’t ended like I had hoped. It hadn’t ended with a reconciliation, it had ended with a soul-crushing pain and almost more heartbreak than I could bear forbidden from being in my house and branded a horrible daughter. My suspicions had been proven correct, and despite my certainty that my mother really did hate me, it came as a cold hard blow to my heart. Eventually, she apologized but she hadn’t meant it – I could tell by the looks she gave me, the way she sounded angry at even the mention of my name. From then on, all of my time was spent in my room; dark and cold as I preferred it – the only light in the room coming from a crappy, dim desk lamp that had once belonged to my great-grandmother. I spent my time writing, writing and thinking; thinking about my life, or lack thereof. I wrote everything I could think of, but mostly about how I no longer wished to live if it meant that the person that I once thought loved me the most, now hated me, I wrote about how it was too much to bear on my own. I needed help whether I realized it or not. Secrets weren’t optional anymore they were necessary.
The depression had only gotten worse as the years passed, but my mother telling me that she hated me was the breaking point, and when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see the happy go lucky girl I once was and still wanted to be. I saw a dark and bitter girl eyes devoid of the sparkle of young life who hated everything about herself, there had to be something wrong with me that made me so repulsive that not even my mother loved me, I just couldn’t figure out what it was and nothing I did made a difference.
There was nothing I could do to stop the feeling of soul-crushing hurt and at times it made me feel even more alone than I already was. The descent to darkness was slow, so slow that people hardly even noticed. Isolation was normal for me even before my depression set in, I liked being alone, I wasn’t popular at school so most days I was just left alone to my misery. I had become isolated from everything and everyone as much as I could and the only people who had started to notice where the people in my small group of friends. They where on high alert after they had coerced me and found out what had happened with my mother, but I didn’t care because they didn’t matter anymore, nothing did. They where just people now not friends, I didn’t have friends, just people I had no other choice but to socialized with as I went through the motions of everyday life. Days passed and I became more and more desperate for a way out of the black hole that my life was becoming.
I eventually worked up the nerve to at least try to get out of the dark abyss of that was my mind, the dark abyss that had caused me to do things I never thought I would do, the abyss that had made me have to hurt myself just to feel. I got painkillers from my purse and told my family that I didn’t feel well, they left me well enough alone whether or not I was sick but it was a necessary precaution I was like a leper on the best of days so being sick just made me a leper with the flu, even more abhorrent. I sat on my bed trying to force myself to take the pills and do what I desperately wanted to do. I wanted it more than I thought possible but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and that was what made it hurt the most. The fact that I was too much of a coward only fueled what I did next. I texted Libby, or Liaby as I liked to call her hoping that maybe her words would give me courage for whatever happened, turns out they did, just not how I expected. We texted for a couple of minutes before I got tired of avoiding the problem. I told her not to bother texting anymore and then I went to take the pills. My phone rang. I should have known the minute I pushed send that my plans wouldn’t succeed, it was Libby, I hadn’t thought she would have time to reply before the deed was done but I answered anyway hoping she hadn’t realized my intentions, “Layni you okay? Your text got me worried. Whats wrong?†I wasn’t okay but I had to make her think I was. Tearfully I replied, “I’m, I’m fine. I can’t talk to you now, don’t call back.†She called back, of course- I don’t know why I believed she wouldn’t. I read the texts she sent me, “ALAYNA ANSWER!†“What’s wrong?†“I’ll call your mo
\m!â€. This was the breaking point, my secret being exposed, and I finally replied- “Don’t call my mom, I’ll tell you.â€
I broke when I heard her voice, the tears started coming and there was nothing I could do to stop them, crying silently I waited for her to ask me once again what was wrong because I couldn’t bring myself to speak first. She finally spoke and I told her everything. I told her things I had never told anyone before. Looking back I’m glad I did. Secrets aren’t good for the soul, they rip you apart and cause drastic actions, actions that can’t be reversed. We talked for hours and as we talked I felt the enormous weight I had been carrying lessen. The pills lay forgotten on the floor. Her parting words gave me the strength to carry on, “We will help you just come to school tomorrow. I won’t leave you Alayna, just promise that you will be here tomorrow.†I promised.
My friends already knew; Libby had contacted them and my phone hadn’t stopped vibrating since I had sluggishly got out of bed that morning. Rachel who next to Libby knew the most about my problems didn’t believe I wouldn’t try again like the others, and maybe she was right. She wasn’t as innocent as the rest, she knew that I might have meant what I said, but if I didn’t get help it wouldn’t matter. She took things into her own hands and told the counselor. I was furious at first but I realized that I would have done the same thing if I were in her position.
I spent a majority of that day in the counseling office. It wasn’t fun and I sat there refusing to speak about anything of importance for a majority of the time but it brought things into perspective. I hadn’t realized how much my decision would have hurt the ones that I loved, a lot more people cared than I realized. I’m not completely okay and I don’t think I ever will be, I that was one of the darkest periods of my life and I couldn’t walk away from it the same person I was before. I was changed, more insecure, I trusted less and I don’t think that feeling will ever leave me, but I rarely feel as horrible as I did that night. Although I don’t believe that the pain and animosity between me and my mother will ever vanish, to many things have been said that can’t be taken back, but maybe eventually we can be in the same room as each other without shouting the whole time because despite what I say I can’t bring myself to truly hate her the way she hates me.
Reflection Essay i wrote for a class…
I find myself wishing I wasn’t born.
I find myself widhing that someone would look at me and see the pain i am because I cant bring myself to tell them.
I want everyone to realize I am not the bitchy sarcastic person they think I am, I use it to hide..
Why do bad things happen to those so young and full of life, Why do they come in and stomp the joy out of us killing all hope, love and joy.
The day get worse despite the promise of “It gets Better”.
My heart and soul aches and I don’t know what to do…
Currently we are studying the cold war in my history class, I think about how a war was never really fought. I realize that the fight between my heart and my brain is like the cold war except I am the only casualty my body and soul take a beating every day while my mind battles what my heart desperately wants…the sweet relief of death…the adrenaline caused by the blade and the worry that I will soon be caught…
The small criss cross across my wrist
Nobody notices
Nobody cares
The small criss cross across my wrist
I want the the relief
I need the relief
Of the small criss cross across my wrist
This past month has been so many things; horrendous, miserable, cloudy with a chance of shit, amazing and terrible at the same time.
I attempted to make amends with my mother…she at the first opportunity sent me home said goodbye and drove off.
I tried to help a child in need but was chased away by an overprotective foster parent.
I made an effort to fit in and went to a part, somebody slipped something into my non-alcoholic drink and I ended up vomiting all over the front lawn
I found a boy…A boy who seemed to like me for me scars and all. I remember the first night we shared together, he took me to a cabin, alone laying on the floor with a fire roaring in the grate. we are sharing secrets, I decide to tell him my biggest secret and instead of being disgusted he politely ask to see my scars. he looks at them for a moment, and then he starts kissing them starting at my wrist working his way up to my neck, He whispers in my ear, “They are beautiful.” Things heat up and before I know what is happening I am underneath him clothes discarded haphazardly around the room in our attempts to get closer together,,,We go home the next day and he leaves.
He didnt  call back…He left me… and then a week later he says he is sorry apologizes begs to come back and I let him I foolishly let him in because he is the only good thing that has happened to me in weeks. He has already caused me more tears than he is worth and my friends say I can do better but I dont think I can I dont think i could do better because I am ugly and fat and stupid and mean…
I dont think I can handle another month like this…
I’m unhappy, more than unhappy actually. I don’t know whats wrong with me I have nothing left to live for and if I could I would drop dead right now. I know there are people that love me but the one person I want to love me doesn’t. The women who knew me before I knew myself, the women who carried me for nine months hates me, and I cant do a damn thing about it. Today I realized that I have become just like her. i am mean and I say things to people just to hurt them. I can’t stop myself and it tears me apart… if anyone want to give me some cyanide I would be most grateful (although you probably wont get your cyanide back).
I haven’t been eating, or sleeping properly. I introvert randomly. I’m changing and I don’t want to, my sleep patterns are irregular, on days that i actually sleep I sleep for at least 14 hours other days though I get o-2 hours. I’ts not healthy. I eat once a day. I find myself wanting to cut in the middle of the day but I can’t. I go into the stall hoping for a release but I can’t break the skin I try and I could just fine a couple of nights ago. I’m slowly losing my mind…I am happy immediately with my friends but as soon as they leave I am depressed again…
Ever since the incident a week ago I haven’t been normal. My dad got mad at me today for no reason. He broke a plate, I was so scared that he was going to hurt me…again…I know I need to get out but I have no where to go.
I made a break through though, at the time of his freak out I was video chatting with some friends and I told them what he did. The little voice in my head was wrong, they didn’t judge me or anything. I felt better afterwards.
School is the only place I truly feel safe, I love it there…
How do I write a letter to a teacher without sounding like I am suicidal (which I am). How do I tell her about my life in one page so that she can get to know me? Why is god shitting on my life!?!? I have no idea what to do this time. I have no idea waht to do most of the time. I need someone but teachers don’t have the best track record. Because verytime I tell a teacher something in confidence it somehow gets back to my mother! Why am I even writing this? I am just falling apart, my life is falling apart!
Sorry I just ranted a bit…
I’m just so lost…
My meds aren’t helping anymore, and neither are the pills…
The razor is all that keeps me going lately….
I feel my worst when I am alone. The think is is that I don’t want to be near people, I want to be alone. It’s bad for me to isolate myself , I learned that the hard way. I came so close to ending it this last week. I abused pills for the first time and it made the pain go away for awhile. I’ve had the week from hell but somehow I keep going, somehow I act like I am okay.
The razor blade in my pocket makes me feel safe. The people at school make me feel safe. A hig from my grandmother makes me feel safe. All of these things make me feel safe-why can’t I face them- why can’t I tell my teacher what my father did to me, why cant I tell the truth to my grandmother, why cant I face the blade and kick the habit…I got myself into a compromising situation yesterday. we where playing keep away with my friends shoe I had it and her boyfriend backed me into a corner. I felt trapped, I flashed back to that night and freaked out crying hugging my knees, he backed off, my friends where worried they tried to talk to me, I ran like I always do, again I couldn’t face the people that make me feel safe. I left and sliced my wrist with my ever present razor, again I couldn’t face my demons and stop myself.
He hit me. Just once he hit me. I cant forget it and I cant stop myself from flinching everytime a man/boy gets near me to fast. My life has been hell for the last 3 days and I feel so scared all of the time. I’m scared to leave my bed, I’m scared to argue with him, scared that if he gets angry I am going to get hurt…
should I report him?
I said things where better and I thought they where. I was wrong though. just hours after my last post all hell broke loose. My dad went crazy he got mad at me and he threw me on my bed and was shaking me and hitting me and I screamed that I hated him. he grabbed me and dragged me head first off my bed and slammed me to the floor. He saw my mom at the store and he told me that she didn’t want me. Nobody wants me anymore… My family has abandoned me…and I don’t know what to do.
The only reason I am awake is because I woke up crying….I tried the pain relievers and they didn’t work…I was only out for half an hour…I’m lost and alone
The days get shorter and the darkness gets longer, but somehow I find myself feeling better than I have in weeks. I applied for a writing program and got an unpaid internship. Somehow I know something is going to go wrong and I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t want to handle it. I will overcome that bridge when I come to it. For now though I am going to act like I’m somewhat okay and keep living.
I’m scared of moving on and letting this temporary time of peace go…
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
Every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
All of these questions’ such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Oh woah, oh woah…
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
But what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, oh woah
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
So shake him off
The lyrics to Shake It Out redone by The cast of Glee
I was so ready to eat the berries. But then I got a text from a friend inviting me over next weekend, I realized that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t do it because I was weak. I couldn’t make myself do what I know everyone secretly wants me to do and it is killing me. I tried talking to the counselor but everytime I go in there I end up talking a about something else. she can’t help me because twice I was a coward.