Gary

There is constant conflict between my depression and my will to live. One moment I am at high risk of falling victim to suicide, and the next moment I am rationalizing my worth as a human being. The answers I return about me are not positive. I feel dirty and really unhappy with my own life. It’s not all those around me, its me I not happy with. The dirt just wont cleanse away. Too many past haunts and mistakes. This has been a continued cycle for years in my head. My illness has successfully alienated me from everyone, including me. I don’t even want to be around me anymore. It’s a disturbing agenda to balance. I have survived vicious self-doubt. Personal self-disappointment. My whole life has been a lie. One perpetuates another in this facade. Hidden behind a lie that secrets a portion of me…. Of all I disappoint myself for not being able to be me, and being strong enough to accept it. But who am I…I cannot answer or figure out. Split and angry. I’m angry I’m this way. What me there is still a giant abyss of dark that occupies a portion of my brain. It ticks away and I’m trying to defuse it in a battle of thoughts. What self-worth I have left is becoming not enough to make reality appealing anymore. That circle never ends in my world. Old wounds open and haunt me, blame and paranoia ebb into the mixture. Isolation from the outside world becomes normal but incompatible with reality. I feel trapped with no doors to run through. So goes my daily war with little other fan fare or notoriety. Only headlines in my brain…. Destruction seems imminent.
A while back I spent time going through alcohol detox which almost lost me my career and my wife. I didn’t realize how this had become a crutch and the inflicted chaos. The numb it created and the safe harbor welcomed, but that cover up helped me corral those dark edges and thoughts. At least I realized what it was doing and stopped, and gratefully I still managed to save my marriage. Thank god for my wife, and I’m sorry for all I have put her through. I only wish I wasn’t like this but, it is me and my problem I need to deal with. The alcohol helped but, then it became a necessity every day and led to horrible work issues and exchanges with the wife. I’m glad I realized enough to stop, but those suicidal depression thoughts remain rampant in my head. It is a vicious circle that I can’t get out of.
This was just one chapter of hitting the “bottom” cycles where everything almost crashed. Those still continue to some degree; however the frequency between those bottom points is becoming more frequent and closer in duration. I try to head off the deep cycles but the intense scrutiny of me becomes coarse and extremely pointed and harsh. I tend to take aim at myself. Increasingly the strong desire to find anything to help create a safe harbor, like alcohol created, but that safe harbor that isn’t there anymore. I struggle to manage those desires too. A path I wouldn’t really like to perpetuate but appealing because I know that safe harbor is there…isolation.
I don’t want to inflict another one of these bottoms. I won’t let a huge bottom like that happen again. I just can’t. My own faults are my sentence. Unfortunately, me being gone is a strong option but being unsure keeps my mind looking for any other routes trying to escape. It never ends and a new day starts….
When I’m in my depression, darkness is my only life. If you want to call that life, I don’t, and honestly don’t know what life is. I don’t have anything to tell me what it’s supposed to be. It’s just another opinion. I can’t seem to comprehend life, or get a grip on it. Dark thoughts begin to swirl around me, and I am engulfed by despair and tears. My battered mind and soul are confused and weakened, unable to fight off dark thoughts. The only glimmer of hope is that death could finally bring the peace I so desperately seek. I’m supposed to be able to wipe these thoughts out of my mind with these drugs and ignoring them—but this is not as easy as it sounds, when suicide feels like the only option for relief. It’s seemingly a one way street I can’t get off of.
Detachment from life is all I know. I have no feelings of happiness or sadness. Disconnection with reality has left me in a zombie state of mind. Life passes me by without any recollection. The only things I believe to be real are my tears. Loneliness from the outside world is my sanctuary because within my own darkness, I am safe from the outside. Isolation is seems like my only hope to remain alive. Within that I have control, so I think, but it’s a perpetuating lie.
I need every ounce of energy I can muster to fight a battle that seems impossible to win—the battle for my life. The constant fight and resistance leaves me mortally wounded. This battle is making me very weary. My body can only take so much abuse. Desperately I seek any method of relief. I have found that marijuana provides some temporary respite from the misery, clouds of intoxication briefly numb the pain and help me somewhat settle back into this reality. It helps me stay inside my isolation circle; safe harbor from the outside. But this will also create issues. It’s just another failure of me. I just can’t stop this self-torment and it will not go away. I don’t want to use drugs, but if I don’t I’m afraid this will happen faster, or I may actually convince myself. I hate myself for the fact that I have to, and even want to use drugs to manage. It pulls me away from the world I want to be part of. I try but that side is strong enough to creep into my life and interfere with devastating outcomes I can’t inflict. I battle to keep it in check and here I go writing away my shoulder load. No one but me and my words. What is so wrong in my reality and mind? I try to hang on, but I’m getting closer to the point where that doesn’t make sense anymore either to even try. Drugs and more drugs…why. I resisted for a long time but the overwhelming situation has become a black pit in my soul. These drugs don’t seem to help any more and more drugs won’t help or change me. It is my own brain that is becoming my enemy. I’m at war now inside struggling to cope. Why just not get it over with….
Exhaustion is overwhelming and I find that listening to music extremely helpful, but that’s seen as a lock out, or at least that’s how I perceive it when I just want to indulged solitude and be in my safe harbor. Plug my ears and forget about the world around me. Go away I’m not home I’m away in my fantasy world….. Another separation from reality, but is one of my safe harbors I’ve discovered. Music helps, but is just a mask, but certainly helps me get by. Music definitely helps when the mind and body feel beaten and worn down. I bath in music to help with escape….
I have lost most of my appetite. Then I lack energy to do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I seem to spend most of my time in that circle of vicious thoughts unable to cope with the world around me. Just sitting and thinking has consumed much of my time. One thought takes me to the next, which is usually a tug back to the dark side. Self-esteem is destroyed, and increasingly I’m unable to perform the simplest of tasks, and really don’t want to even try anymore. Failures in my life compound upon each other, paving the road toward suicide thoughts. While in a depression state, nothing seems to go right; failure is the only thing I am sure of. I’m at a point where I now don’t know a good feeling from bad anymore. It is becoming hard to differentiate. Despair and frustration with me heap to more tugs and bad thoughts. Emotions and hatred for myself for what I’m now. Worthless, and a burden and feel like disappearing so my illness won’t affect my family. It’s a lie every day sometimes, having to push to become active and positive. It’s exhausting and mentally stressing. I fester with those thoughts in every hours of my life. If only anyone knew I may be in a straightjacket. I just don’t see anything positive about me. Failure and a terrible person exist. I wish it would die.
Other people cannot understand how some of us can even think of suicide. But to me it seems to be the most logical method of escaping a life that is not life. Minds and souls are destroyed and life is really not life without them. There seems to me to be no difference between life and death, since I already feel as though I’m dead inside. This is why death is not a fearful prospect for me. And, I’m so tired of entertaining death that I just wish it would happen so it would be over with. I just want some peace, somehow. It all has to end for me sometime. I just wish it would happen and I’d have no choice.
If this depressive darkness is so devastating, then why am I still alive? There is one reason I have put up with this relentless hell: I love my wife. Suicide would be like killing two people, and then lining up the rest of family for hell. I just can’t let this happen, but I hate the fact I have these thoughts.
The stress of financial hardship and the family affairs she would have to deal with on her own would become her doom. It’s my feelings for her that have stopped me from killing myself. Even if never knowing what is battling out in the dark abyss of my brain, she keeps me here. Silently not knowing what is playing through my mind. I feel guilty having these feelings. And I hate that too. I want to feel life again…but I can’t get there. I’m alone in a world of torment that has no reason and no good outcome that I can see for me. I endure this battle on my own for the most part.
Suicide might be my choice, but I also know what this will do all the others around me. I have struggled with this suicide debacle for some time, but I’m at the point where I need this to end my own torment. I just hope that when it does happen, people will step back a bit and cry tears of joy, for my torment has stopped. It is no consolation for other left behind, but my troubles are gone. And, hopefully the inflicted pain I have caused over the years for others is also gone from them too. Hopefully then they can get on with their lives. Forget about me, I was nothing. Destroy every scrap of me. I mean every scrap. Pictures and all. I prefer that no one ever has to remember me. Just let me go like smoke in the wind.
Never Was. All the kings’ men cannot save me. My kingdom was never real.

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