Warning: It’s a long one, and there is swearing. I’m going to tell you about a toxic relationship I have and can’t let go of. I’m a bit dumb and generally need to make my own mistakes so I am not looking for advice. I’ll post a summary at the end.
I had my first serious relationship in high-school and I fell in love hard. I know it is cheesy and predictable. There isn’t anything quite like it if you are lucky. I was, at least I thought I was? We dated for 4 years and had some rough times and some perfect ones.
But as time went on things got worse, and we would break up and get back together constantly. He was depressed but didn’t tell me. Instead, I became his emotional punching bag. And a warm body to fuck. Which left lasting emotional damage and mistrust, to be honest. I honestly thought that if I loved him enough, it would be okay that we would be okay? But I was wrong. I lived every day after feeling like I hadn’t been enough, and I still think that way.
The decline happened gradually over one and a half horrible years. My mom was abusing me physically and emotionally at home while my peers bullied me at school. I felt unsafe and unloved everywhere I had no one except him. I thought that since he loved me, we could weather our storms together.
In the end, I chose to leave. I had developed a severe eating disorder that I still struggle with and a drug and alcohol habit. I felt so alone. I still do. I wanted to die, but I couldn’t live with myself if I left my family behind with unanswered questions. I knew it would devastate them. So instead? I drove 200km on the highway and mixed drugs and alcohol until I passed out, hoping that it would just happen by chance. I recklessly endangered myself wishing that the choice wouldn’t be mine and it would just all be over. I spent 3 fucking years of my life like that. But I pulled myself out, cleaned up, met someone and, went to school.
But if I am honest, I haven’t loved anyone else or felt joy like that since. I built meaningful relationships and cared for people but never loved or felt love like that again. I dulled myself with drugs and alcohol, and now I can’t feel as much. Or maybe I was scared to open myself up to that kind of pain.
Now here is the real fucking stupid part. We are talking. It’s not bright or healthy, and I know it’s going to end in disaster. And there are some particular issues:
- He is best friends with his ex, a girl he has been dating on and off since we broke up.
- He lives far
- we both have different neurological disorders that make communicating hard.
But I can’t help but think that if it works, we could be so happy. But I’m also incredibly uncomfortable and know how unrealistic it is. The thought of success or failure is so anxiety-inducing that I can’t sleep. I honestly don’t know what I want but I know I have always wanted him.
TLDR: I got back with HS bf I had a rocky relationship with. Even though I know it’s doomed to fail because of a few reasons, and I can’t sleep thinking about it, I can’t help but risk it.