One thing i´ve always thought of is that it´s so scary when someone mentally ill and suicidal (me) falls in love. We start feeling whole again. Like we´ve got a purpose, a reason to be here and a reason to start and try.
But one thing that really scares me and hurts me inside to think of is that; what happens when the person who´s saved me leaves? What happens when the person takes away all the hope and love and beauty and rip out all the stitches they used to put in their partner together again and the broken soul is left worse than they were before.
I´ve been dealing with depression for 8 years straight and the suicidal thoughts keep coming back every now and then. I´m not gonna go deep into the details of everything that has ruined me. But I feel like a disappointment to everyone i have ever interacted with and they all end up leaving in the end and everyone treats me like shit all the time, They treat me as If i dont have any emotions, it hurts Because Im “allowing” them to treat me like that and i feel so weak Because i cant control it. And i Get very upset and hurt so fast and easily. Everything i do is always a mistake to everyone. I try my best to do nothing wrong to the one person i really love with my whole heart, but i somehow always manage to fuck that up. Im so scared that he´ll leave me, he is the only one who makes me feel good when im so depressed, he makes me forget about everything and he is the only person i really have left.
But i have fucked up so many times by either saying or doing the wrong things (even how hard i try not to) and i know that he will leave me eventually, and i know that things will get so much worse for me If he leaves, the suicidal thoughts will get ten times worse than they already are if he leaves. I wanna end my life before he decides to leave me, because im not able to go through much more pain, and i dont have any purpose to live besides him. I´m just really hurt tbh and the thought of suicide is the only thought that makes me smile atm, and i want to find a painless way out of this world